Fighting

I have found something strange over the years...no one really talks about the fights they have with their spouses. It's like talking about how much money you make, it is just taboo.
I think we need to talk about our fights more often for the simple reason that we need to know that our marriage isn't the only one that has rough spots. We need to know that there is something normal about fighting, or maybe the way we fight needs some outside referee's. I think we don't talk about things like this because appearance is so important. We don't want to look foolish, or petty, or less then perfect especially in a most significant relationship.
I propose we talk more about our fights...bearing each others burdens and all. So in the end,we realize we are not alone, marriage is hard work but worth the humbling.
Scott and I will have only been married 7 years this August. We have fought a lot. I think it is because he is really stubborn, I know that I am. The first two years were ...well, awful. He had been single for 40 years and I came into our marriage with a but load of baggage. I remember him going to marriage counseling by himself because I was too stubborn to go with him...another story. Many issues ...many issues but 7 years later we are much stronger and better, but we still fight.
We had another one this week and over the same issue...I need to trust him with parenting. It has been 7 years and I am still thinking he needs my help to parent Nick and Mijo. I somehow in the grand scheme of things need to protect these children from this new parent who has just come into the family. Nick does not even remember Curtiss so that excuse doesn't work anymore. These children have always been ours to him but for a long time they have been just mine. This week after another fight I asked him if I was wrong for butting in yet again in his attempt to get Nick to do his chores. He said...yes, you are wrong. I knew I was but this time when he asked me if I thought I was wrong instead of deflecting or yes-butting...I said emphatically ...Absolutely. He rolled over and went to sleep...I sat there and thought maybe, maybe we have come to the end of one of the cycles.
The next day I was talking to Nick about doing his chores etc. and I said" Nick, please do your stinking chores so that your Dad won't have to yell at you the rest of the summer". He looked at me and said "what if he only has to talk to me sternly", no wonder he gets in trouble.
It is hard to be completely wrong when you think you should always be right...what arrogance on my part. Humbling to loose so rightly.

So sorry

I realize as I lay in bed last night that the list of unravels was pretty insignificant comparatively...I was feeling bit sorry for my self but would not say it in so many words so I waxed eloquent when in reality I think I was whining. So I am sorry, I am very grateful just a bit overwhelmed...this too shall pass. Thank you for your understanding....

Unraveling

We all have had it happen... there is loose string on a favorite sweater and you pull on it thinking it is just an aberrant string needing to be trimmed. You commence to pull it out and find out only too late that you have started the unraveling of a wonderful sweater. It is a kind of a strange thing to experience...there is something kind of fun about the unraveling but at the same time you know there is no way to get it back to the way it was and the sweater has lost its sweater-ness. These past few days as I sit in various places in the house I feel like this horse accident was the start of the pulling. I am sure it is the view from the wheelchair that inhibits perspective but still I am unsettled. It is the little things ...the little strings that by themselves are OK but when they follow the big pull...I feel like I am being unwound.

My camera was broken by the horse...I can't replace it at this time but ...
Our lawn mower broke down completely can't be fixed its too old...has to be replaced.
Every one needs to go and see the dentist...
The dog continues to be ill with only a large vet visit to help her.
The downstairs rooms need to be done this summer to give the kids their own space but ...

I think under any other circumstances I would take this in stride as a normal part of living here in the US...its just that is it all happening right now. The horse trip...pun intended...unraveled me in the out-of -the -blue kind of way. I am a bit jumpy to the uncertainty of it all. I wait now for the " WHAT NOW".
But...and there is always a but... I think that this is normal when accidents happen. When I have some distance from the moment I will see the bigger picture. Maybe not...but the view from standing will have to be better then the view from the wheelchair.

Once upon a time

Not too many years ago we went on a road/camping trip south through OR, CA , NV, AZ and UT and had a ball. I looked at the kids yesterday in their final performance of 'Honk' and realized that amazingly they are much bigger, older and even more wonderful. Mijo was assistant director and Nick was the turkey in this summer theater group.

I really enjoy being their mom and these past few weeks as they have had to serve me hand a foot...not a complaint, not a one.

Once upon a time I also did everything for these two...now they do so much for me. I don't want to think about them going their own way not too far in the future. Will I be ready for their absence?

I will cross that bridge when I get there...now, I enjoy the collected moments.

Mobility

I moved all the toiletries to the bathroom from my bedside. I washed my face at the sink and I now use the toilet rather then the commode. I eat at the table, watched a movie in the living room and made myself a cup of coffee. The X-Rays last week did not show vast amounts of improvement but my body is getting stronger and at times I think I should be able to get up and walk around as if nothing happened at all. We went to Sonics yesterday for an outing and I am able to get into our SUV with no problems at all.....MOBILITY means freedom even if it is limited to wheelchair boundaries. WOOT WOOT !!!!!!!

I also get frustrated quicker, loose my patience and wonder how to fill my days. I have been wondering lately what I am supposed to learn from this other then horses are unpredictable and crazy. I have experienced so much through the love of others that the lesson of community has been imprinted forever on my soul. A friend the other day also made me realize that I can relax in the search of meaning...sometimes you just love God in the middle of it all even if there seems to be no over-arching lesson.

So I'm crazy woman in the wheelchair for the next few weeks...hopefully when and if you come by for a visit you won't encounter the impatient, cranky, wacko that seems to come to the surface a bit more often.

Then they left

Dad and Elf left this morning... so sad to see them leave. I told them the other day how much I would miss them realizing that wherever they go they are missed by someone. They are just those kind of people...loved and always missed because wherever they go they leave in their wake people who they have blessed. They embody the hands and feet of Jesus and their gentle and kind hands will be sorely sorely missed.
This journey of dependence has humbled me not only because I am so dependent but that whose who have served me have done so so graciously and wholeheartedly...how could I ever repay such kindness.

Target on the back

This isn't a target...it is the dome in our capitol but it looks like a target.
Someone asked me the other day if I was mad at God. I'm not mad...a bit confused but not mad. I'm going to talk a bit about how I think about events like this. Some think that God being sovereign means that God controls everything. I don't believe He controls everything in the sense that we are the puppets under the puppets masters control. Good and bad things happen to us but when the bad happens we so desperately want to figure out why. I don't know if we go through as much scrutiny when good things happen. Do I think I was spared ...absolutely. I also know those who weren't. It is so confusing to try and figure out the why...I'm trying to stay in the what now.
We also know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose. I can already see some of the good...I am grateful.
Why in all the trail rides that LC has taken all these years, with all sorts of teachers skilled and unskilled, did I get the privilege of being booted off? Why in all the years of having insurance and nothing happen did the one time we did not have insurance something happen? I don't know...and won't ever...I just need to know...what do I do now?

Why didn't you have insurance

Of all the questions people may want to ask but never do is why we don't have medical insurance. Those of you who live in countries that believe that health care should not be an option may not understand how amazingly expensive any medical care is and why everyone in their right mind gets insurance.
We have always had insurance until this year. We have never used any insurance that we have ever paid for out of pocket but we have always been insured. Most people get their insurance from the companies they work for but because I am not full time at LC and Scott's company opted not to give this benefit we have paid all our insurance...until this year.
When we went with MAF last year to Papua, we let go of the insurance we had to go under the care of MAF's. In letting go, coming back we would have to start all over getting insurance and staying on with MAF's was way out of financial range. I also expected to work a lot more hours at LC but when we came back that was not to be true. Scott has worked consistently but has not had the turn-around work he usually gets every year...all this to say, financially we have not been able to get an insurance we could afford. Which brings us to this point where everything you don't want to happens happens when you don't have insurance.
To say that this is scary is an understatement...the hospital bill came in today and we haven't even received the doctor's bill yet. You know how bills come and you have 30 days to pay it off, the hospital wants its money in 2 weeks. Please don't misunderstant they deserve to be paid and we will attempt at a payment plan or get a line of credit from the bank...something. We are responsible for the service rendered...it is all so overwhelming. I am numb at the mountain ahead...please pray that we have wisdom on how to proceed.
I wanted you to know we were not being careless with this...

Still here...

You know when you wake up in the morning, right before you know you have to get up, and you lie there just enjoying the moment. I get to still lie there. As the mornings come and go and the home wakes up around me the only thing that pulls me into a sitting position is how badly do I need to go the the bathroom. Using the facility which is a handy little commode pulled close to the bed entails pain and that wakes me up quicker then any cup of coffee ever has. Talking about coffee, can't really go through withdrawal headaches if you are on pain meds...I no longer need my AM cup of coffee!!!! Unfortunately there is no medication to get the bladder to stop expanding.
When I am still on my back I don't feel any pain. Maybe a twinge here and there but nothing intense. When I move I am reminded of why I am in bed all day long.
I have made some great strides in the Independence of things...I can get on the commode and off on my own. I am getting to be a wiz at moving to the wheelchair and back and I think I can be in the wheel chair for about an hour, maybe hour and a half without having to get back to bed. The next big deal will be getting in the bathtub and having a real shower/bath.
This week I will get some xrays and see where I am progressing. This will be encouraging I am sure. We are sorta moving into a routine of sorts in the family...I really wish some free time for Scott, my companion in good and bad times. Mijo and Nick have a drama to work on for the next two weeks so they won't feel like their summer is just taking care of Ma.
I'll be here figuring it out or at least trying to.

Nursing assistant

I can't remember a time when I have been so dependent on everyone for everything. Going to the bathroom, moving, getting clean, eating...and the list goes on and on.

Elfrieda, my Dad's wife and my wonderful friend, has been my nurse these past few days. She is a nurse and when we were in Irian Jaya growing up I wanted to grow up and be a nurse just like her. She gently gives me back my dignity my helping with all the things that we do in the privacy of the bathroom. As she washes me clean from the days perspiration and helps me into some clean clothes I realize that she is in her tenderness doing a Holy thing. It may be doing things to the least of these that please God but I think it is also doing the least of things. Like washing the feet of the disciples...unless you are willing to do these kind of things...you won't know what it means to lead.

In the hospital the nurses assistance are the ones who do all the dirty work..clean the bedpans etc. Being on the receiving end ... I think it is holy work. There is something about giving dignity to the hurting that is a Great work. Jesus is called the Healer, maybe I understand Him better as the Nurses Assistant. He doesn't just come and diagnose..he comes and cleans me up.

I could never be as kind or patient as Elfrieda when it comes to serving the sick...but my goodness I can be patient, kind and tender in the places He has called me to serve/lead.

Her tenderness to me changes the whole day for me...it really is that simple.