Dwelling in the shadow

Shade has been of great importance these last few days. Hitting the 100 degree mark in the PNW is not only unusual it is brutal, most of us don't have AC. Why would we have AC when normal high temperature are in the 70-80's. There are drastic measure, like moving to the basement to sleep, closing up the house so that the coolness of the night stays as long as possible, turning every fan on high all day..etc. Finding shade is key to keeping cool.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of
the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, " He is my refuge, and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust". Ps. 91:1

For me, the weather is the least of my worries because life is brutal.
I have a friend who can't produce blood platelets and they don't know why. Another is battling cancer, another can't find a job...How do we walk in the shade, find the shelter we need to rest from life's brutal heat?
How do I find shade with mounting bills in hand and a crushed vertebrae? We look at each other and think...well their need for shade is so much more extreme then mine...I'll stay out here in the sun. But that's the beauty, the shadow is big enough for all of us no matter the brutality we live with. As we dwell...we rest, find refuge and find the fortress...we just dwell. Going back to the question...how do we dwell?
How do you?

Bless be the ties that bind....

Fairmont Hot Springs in beautiful BC, Canada a rag tag assortment of people came together from Australia, Netherlands, France , Canada and the US. Our common denominator is that all our parents are siblings...we are the vanderbijl tribe. The tribe from Canada were our hosts and as all 80 or so of us who gathered were given a most excellent gift...the time to get to know each other and to connect. They had us organized in activities but loose enough to just sit and chat (for me that was the only activity I could do). I have always known my family from a distance but to have them gather in one place, to plunge so completely in this gene pool was refreshing and comforting. There are the people who are related to me and if I call them up in the middle of the night to tell them I have landed in their country and need a place to stay...they will come just because I am kin. I love that...not because I would but because I can.
As a whole we see the familiarities and muse at the choices our parents made to conributee so completely into where we have all ended up. We see how our parents are aging and we wonder together what we will do. We amuse ourselves watching the next generation tumble and fall and wonder and grow. We make plans to go to Australia because that lost tribe of vanderbijls are just so cool...and not only because we have never met them but they have such a great accent. We dream about our visit to the Netherlands and think how fun to listen to the language and land of our heritage. We kick ourlseves that we haven't driven to Calgary more often to say hello to that amazing Verhoeff/vanderbijl clan of giant hearted people.
Now there are faces to names, stories to families, memories shared...ties that bind that make us so blessed.

Testing God

And Satan took him up...hey, throw yourself off... no worries your angels will catch you. Jesus said....don't test God. This verse he quoted was taken from Exodus 17 where the Israelites one more time complained at a moment of crisis. You see they were in a place where they could not see a way out and the first thing out of their mouth was " Is the Lord among us or not". Don't test the Lord as you did at Massah...don't.

My faith is insipid. Yesterday we heard that maybe the insurance company of the school would not come through on our behalf...it does not look encouraging. So as I peruse the bills one more time what do I think..."Is the Lord among us or not?" My anxiety level reaches shrill and panicky and I look around and begin to wonder if God is anywhere. He will leave us, He left us...we will wander homeless in Bellingham bankrupt and penniless. Satan whispers....hey throw yourself off, it's hopeless Heidi...was He ever there...ever?

Don't test God...like you did at Massah...like you do very time there is a crisis. You forget what was done, is being done and will be done...just don't do it. So in this journey through a sort of wilderness, I/we walk into another mountain precipice. Before I launch out in fear, I'll step back and realize He hasn't brought us this far to let us go or toy with us in the falling...He is among us.

Old Woman Walking

It is pure joy to be shuffling around the house...I am walking on the treadmill at 2 miles an hour and most the time I can walk without aide from one piece of furniture to another. The spine doctor told me to do as much as I can to strengthen my muscles in the back because that would be the only thing that would help. Looking at the x-ray and the disc sitting there all crushed i get a sick feeling at the pit of my stomach at what could have been. I cooked supper last night and got a list of projects that need to be done around the house. My reign as functioning adult is nearly complete, I don't know for sure if the kids are that excited about that now that I can check their progress. When I am still I can almost pretend nothing has happened but in every movement I am reminded at how far I am from where I was. I am not discouraged...I still am grateful because I am an old woman walking and not a poor woman in a wheelchair.

Being necessary

Needing to be wanted...wanting to be needed. One thing about Papua that I have missed is that being there whatever talent you have or consider having is needed somewhere. Here in the US...most the time you do what you are good at or what you are certified to do. We stay in our fields of expertise, this is especially true in education.
I just got a list of the needs at HIS for the coming year...it was like a shopping list of what we could do in our fields of expertise but also in the realms of what we could do if needed.
At LC I am there but if I wasn't there would be another just as qualified. We have lines of people waiting to fill our positions when in Papua you could be the only one able to do what is so desperately needed. Being necessary is such a wonderful feeling.
There is a danger though in loving that feeling and that is feeling like you are the only one who can fulfill all those needs. Being expendable in the realm of the employed hopefully makes you work hard enough to be necessary. If you are the only who can do whatever it is to be done ... maybe you then don't work as hard and begin to feel that you are too necessary to be replaced.
It is a conundrum... I just miss being necessary in all realms of what I can do.

2 AM....musings

I don't know if you know this but around 1 -3 AM your body is at its lowest for a certain chemical that helps the body deal with traumatic stress. I wake up at this time every night with pain and anxiety. I did not know about this physical aspect of my body till I talked to the Doctor. There is this gland near the kidney that produces I don't know something that makes the stress of a trauma do-able. Amazing what the body can do but man would it be nice if it did not ebb at the darkest time of the night.
I wake up slowly usually because there is pain and then I can't sleep for about an hour or hour and half. My mind seems to work really well then and while I pray through all my fears and pray for others in their fears and then I gently fall back to sleep. Pain is a weird thing...we desperately need pain to warn us and guide us. At the same time we hate every minute it is doing its job. I am reminded that if I did not have pain I would not have any use for my limbs because I would be paralyzed. I would sleep well...I just wouldn't feel at all.
I have this image constantly in my mind surrounding the accident. The horse keeps landing and breaking me and the image haunts me. Maybe my mind is dealing with the trauma in real time like dreams deal with life in sleep time but it is disturbing.
I am on the mend and it will take as much time as it will take. I will loose all the hard work I did prior to accident but I will heal. I am praying that as my body heals so will my mind. I am praying that at 2 AM I will keep praying and not sink into fear that edges ever closer. I will work at not being so myopic and look beyond the limitations of my circumstances. I pray this will be a chapter in my life that will end soon with all the lessons learned.
Thank you for being a part of my journey. Writing it down helps define my thoughts...this is helpful.

Sequim away ...

Our wonderful friends invited us to come away with them to Sequim, a little town far enough away to feel like a vacation. It was quick, wonderful and refreshing. Thank you Tom and Dawn, I felt almost normal.

This has been one of those weeks where everything seems to be too much. 1/3 of this summer is gone without much of anything done...well, except the whole body healing and everything. The view from the wheelchair is limited and somehow the grand story of it all is lost in the mundane of getting around the house without scraping the walls and doors with the wheels. The family is a blur of activities around me as I watch from the center. It may all change tomorrow and I will be able to walk again but in my mind I am fuming at the stupidity of it all.
Getting phone calls from the hospital about the bills, waiting forever on the insurance report from the school, ARGH.......I want, wish, hope, desire, long..........oh well.

On the side of the mountain on Hurricane Ridge was the remnant of the snow melt shaped like a heart. You can see it in the picture above. Scott pushed me up and over patches of snow to get to this look-out and there for all to see was this text message from God. Remember, I have been looking for the meaning in all of this and have yet to see the good in it all...but maybe all I need to know is that I am loved no matter what. Loved...not only by the Almighty but by so many more. I can't forget the outpouring not too many weeks ago and even the gift of seeing this heart given by friends. I will not forget...and this will encourage me.