Grief's work and Grief works

On the way to the Mbua, we went and visited Nduga's who lived in Wamena. This lady being hugged by Scott had just lost her son to AIDS. She hugged and wept on every one of us. We held her, hugged her and passed her on to the next set of arms. A few days later she arrived in the Mbua and the minute she walked off the airplane, a group of ladies surrounded her and sat on a rock near the airplane and just wept.

Every time I saw her in the next several days she was weeping and being held. She embodies what grief feels like.

A friend of mine the other day said that I was dealing with grief. The loss of health, the loss of mobility, the loss of what may have been and for what may come. I know grief, she has been my companion for many many years. She comes to me like this lady did and holds on to me and weeps. I don't do this often but there are times when I stop and count, not my blessing but my losses.

She (grief) has walked with me in the boarding school of Sentani, the immigration to the States, the leaving of my parents back to Papua, the death of my mother, the death of Curtiss, being homeless, loosing two well-loves jobs, leaving Papua... loosing my health. She has whispered on many nights and graced many mornings with her melancholy. She hangs on to every hope and shadows every prayer. Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted. Grief isn't wrong or right...grief is. We did not want to hang on to this lady, she was dirty, she smelled, she did not speak our language...but we did.

Grief's work is an on-going choice to hang on or let go. Grief works to change our perspective on the temporary and set our eyes on the eternal. Loss lingers and deepens our joy. Though weeping may endure for the night, joy comes in the morning. There is nothing quick, easy or gentle about grief...she invades your space, overwhelms your senses and hangs on for dear life. She embodies all that is broken and lost and missing. But...and again I walk with her in company...I become something new from what I have lost. I am humbled by my loss, long for what is eternal, more gentle with others, have a deeper understanding of what matters...and sad. But...I will be comforted and the arms will surround me, I will be passed from arm to arm, I will have time to sit and weep...I will get up again and go forward.

And may you to be comforted in your grief as it works in you and through you.

This I know, she has come and found all of us.

Ambiguous

Nothing is quite as clear as an xray...you know all black and white,until it isn't clear enough. The spine doctor let me know today that since I am still in pain, my left leg hurts when I walk, when I lay down on my back...I feel it in my legs etc. I need an MRI to be sure but he thinks that maybe my spine has narrowed since the accident and I may need surgery.

Sitting in the parking lot after the appointment I wondered how to feel. Scared, overwhelmed, angry, sorry for myself...ambiguous. It's all good until you hear different. Before today, I was sure the news would be good news. Something like...Wow, Heidi I am amazed at how amazing your amazing spine is amazingly healed. Maybe not to that degree but close. Like tomatoes from the garden... they don't come only when you need them, they come all at once in great abundance. I thought good news would just continue to pour in about this accident that occurred 3 months ago. Money would cover all expenses, bones would completely heal and my spine would just be strong and handle the crushing.

So dear readers...today I am not doing real well. No matter how I feel it doesn't take make my back better. If I am mad, sad, happy, joyful, overwhelmed...my spine is. So I am ambiguous...but I am sure things will clear up sooner then later and the sharp edges will poke through the ambivalence and I will be hurting.

The audacity of the request

I don't ask for much...I need to ask for more. In this past mess of medical bills etc. someone asked one of my Doctors to forgive my debt to them. I was a bit taken back that 1. he would assume to ask for me 2. that he would ask for such an audacious thing. Long story short, the debt was not forgiven but halved. This gave me pause. Can things really be that simple? Just ask? I am always taken back by those who do...you know, the people who ask you to do this, take you there, give you money, use your stuff. I am always so surprised by the request that I usually say yes when I really wanted to say no. I am so impressed with the audacity to ask. I may even talk to the hospital and see what they can do about the money I owe them :).

We are supposed to ask, I think. I know God invites our requests all the time. I think we need to make the requests Big and Bold but not in the Santa Clause kind of way. There are boundaries to requests not only on the human side but also in the heavenly side of things. We don't get because we don't ask...interesting Bible verse! SO what are you asking for lately?
I asked the school to forgive my first two months tuition until we get some financial control over the bills? I haven't heard yet how they will respond, but I asked.

What if they say no...what if what we asked to happen does not. What if we don't heal, don't get the raise, don't get married, have a child, get that job, stop that addiction, get happy and the million other audacious requests? Does the relationship hinge on the request being granted? When you say no to a request does that change the relationship you have with that person? It can, but should it?

I want to be a person who asks extravagantly not only with my heavenly Father but with others. But in the same audacity be OK with the no's, maybe's and not right now's. You see, just because I ask doesn't mean it will be granted, but I need to ask anyway.

A different Pattern along the same

Father in Heaven...

The Holy Other, the One who is not common or earthy or time bound or moody or distant or silent. The Holy Other: creator, sustainer, healer, provider, jealous, redeemer, savior and friend..The One who isn't us, limited in time, energy and interest. Who isn't distracted by the moment, the silly or the useless.

Your Kingdom Come

Make thin the thick walls of what seems real. The wall of anxiety that threatens trust. The walls of fear that unhinge our faith. The walls of culture the influence our perspective. Make thin the space between what is heaven and plant it here on earth. Help us see your perspective on our earthly reality, your spirit invade our earthly space. Shift our perspective to see your work in the daily routine, in conversations, in interactions. Help us, help others see you. Your Kingdom here already..pushing through the darkness, bringing order to chaos, hope in despair, encouragement in the afraid, healing the sick, freedom from addictions, beauty in ashes, comfort in grief.
Heavens influence in earthy endeavors.

Give us this day our bread

Help us taste the food and savor the gardens plenty. Help us eat enough but not too much. To eat so that this body is nourished so it can heal wounds, fight diseases, mend bones, provide energy, see, taste, feel, listen to this world we live in. So we can use this body to your glory...

Forgive our debts...

You give us all that we need to build bridges to the people in our life. We have built walls, teach us how to take down each brick. Un-build the walls and make the bridges. The moments we think revenge, the slips of bile that explode out of our mouth that kills reputations, slanders personalities. Help us put the brinks we want to throw into a a path we can walk on. However long the road, however high the wall help us begin today.

Lead us not...

It is easy to sleep with the enemy who knows what entices and attracts, distracts and destroys. The sin that so easily entangles because it isn't hated. The greed, the envy, the pride, the sloth, the avarice, the rage. Help us see, lead us to the place where we have been tied up and extricate ..do the surgery..cut us off...make us aware. Deliver us from the footholds he has stood on...his intent.

For you are what is powerful, what is right, what make beauty beautiful, what makes good..what is true. Amen

A charity case

Have you ever been? A charity case, that is. Aren't we all?
Dear friends of mine are putting on a fund raiser for me this coming September. I am a charity case but somehow that isn't a place I really want to be. If we pulled the phrase apart it would mean that in our case specifically we need some charity, love, attention, benevolence. Walking this bumpy path these past months since the 23rd of May I have been wrapped up in the love, attention, benevolence of family and friends...why when it involves money do I squirm. Not having medical insurance has made this accident much more then just a physical healing but still...a fund raiser for my medical bills? I have become a charity case and it is so terribly humbling. Being short on funds for tuition, bills etc has become a reality and in the absence of our ship finally coming in we are in for some lean months/years. What if the ship was in the form of benevolence...charity from a community who cares? Why am I so uncomfortable, so embarrassed at the idea of being in this position?
I don't know how to say thank you enough...how do you ever repay such kindness?

7th inning stretch

I have always thought that baseball games run too long. I keep telling Scott that they need to end in the 5th inning or at the very latest the 7th but the 9th....it just makes for a long and very tedious event. Nothing exciting happens until the end anyway so cut it off sooner and get it over quicker. As you can tell I am not that big a fan of baseball games but there is merit in the suggestion. Nice of them to let us all stretch during or after the 7th inning. I really don't know because I have stretched many times before the 7th inning and will have left viewing the game even before that 7th marker.
We have hit seven years in our marriage. It really does not seem that long compared to my peers who are nearing their 20th or 25th even. I feel we have packed a lot in theses 7 to count for more. We don't have an itch as much as we need a stretch. It seems unlike a baseball game the action has been non-stop since we have said 'I do' that at the moment we need an 'OK already'. Our start was a bit shaky and to be honest I knew we would last due to the stubborn streak of my husband but I did not think we would have a good lasting...I remember him telling me that he wasn't leaving so we could have a bad marriage or a good marriage but we were having a marriage until one of us died...it was up to us. He was hoping for a good one since he has waited 40 years to get married.
So we are at our seventh inning stretch and good news...we are getting to the place where we have a good marriage. We could use some less turbulent times but maybe that is what has made us forge something worth-while. I have no idea what will transpire in the years ahead, good or bad. I hope for good times to out weigh the bad but I am confident in the companion I joined 7 years ago. We are at least looking forward and not so much inward...not working so hard to get along that we get along quite well. I am so grateful for Scott's tenacity and God's grace...Now, lets just get back to the game.

Rough Patches

On our trip to Sequim we took a drive up Hurricane Ridge. It is pretty amazing to see all the Olympic mountains from the comfort of your car. A lazy man's way/or a blessing for the handicapped way to see what would normally take a looooooong hike. From the parking lot you can walk a bit to an overlook to look at the the straights...from one direction the Olympics, from another the Ocean...It is Grand. I was in the wheelchair at this time and Scott, wanting me to see the other view pushed me up a hill on the way over. Around the corner there in the middle of the path was a huge snow patch. No big deal when you are using your feet...a big deal when you are on wheels. Scott never to be hindered looked ahead to see if and when we cross this rough patch if there was one farther up maybe a bit more rough. This patch was it...he turned me around and began to drag me with my feet straight up in the air over the snow. In my fear of falling out of the wheelchair I was giggling so hard at the awkwardness of it all. In my most fearful stretch I suddenly felt strong arms holding me stable...our host Tom had come around just in time to see if we needed any help. With two strong men struggling to haul me over the snow I was able to see the view and the patch of snow that looked like a heart.

I think you know where I am going with this...it is even a saying I am sure you have used or heard. "I'm going through a rough patch at the moment". Another phrase has struck me as well, 'the joy of the Lord is our strength'. What I think this means...there are moments in every day where joy bubbles through the patches. For me it isn't something I initiate or muster if I think hard enough...joy is when the space between heaven and earth becomes a bit thin by moments outside my doing. I am becoming aware of these thinning moments because I know they will come; it is a hummingbird in the feeder, Mocha my dog being a goof-ball, a round full moon gliding through the night sky, flowers that won't stop growing, a good meal, a good conversation, chores getting done. I begin to see that if something is good and brings a measure of joy or peace it is like those strong arms of Tom helping me over the patches while Scott pulls me through.

We can be the joy of the Lord in others rough patches...bringing hope, peace, comfort, humor and everything that makes the journey do-able. Joy bubbles and maybe joy looks a lot like you.

Being a favorite

I was on the phone with someone the other day and they said nonchalantly...you are one of my favorite people. That phrase always stops me in my tracks because I am a woman who has no favorites. I am not talking about people....I don't have a favorite anything; movie, drink, supper, color, place, ice-cream etc. This drives my daughter crazy who has favorite everything. But to be a favorite person...wow, that makes my whole day. I wonder how one becomes a favorite. As parents we are warned against having favorites and as a teacher the warning is valid but not do-able. We all have people, friends, students who connect with us in a different ways. I like to be with some students more then I like to be with others but I work really hard at making sure no-one knows who so that I can treat everyone with the same respect.
I sometimes wonder if God has favorites. He chose Israel. He loved Jacob but hated Esau...David was a man after his own heart but did not have the same to say about Saul or even Solomon. He heals some but not others. Some get an easy ride in life while others suffer. Jesus chose three out of the twelve to be spend more time with...maybe they were his favorite. This makes us uncomfortable, what if I am not a favorite of God. What if I am one of the many in the crowd that followed Jesus but were never named or taken aside for special treatment. Like one of the 5000 who experienced the blessing of eating but was never part of the relationship. Even as I write this I am uncomfortable...am I a favorite?
Maybe...maybe if God is our favorite, we are His. I am not saying favorite god amongst all the others we have...like a flavor of ice cream. Mijo and Nick are my favorite children, I have no other. I love other children and think them wonderful but no one will grab my heart ever the way these children of mine will. Is it the same with God...or is that the same with me. He is God, I have no other.
Don't you want to be His favorite...are we already? If we all are then no one is...Does it matter?
That's what I am thinking about this AM....