The path ahead...

When I run the dog it is on this road. The road that is not straight. The first time I saw this sign I laughed because this is the story of my life. I have an idea that if we all had a road sign that reflected their life's journey, it would look a lot like this. This isn't the prayer of the Psalmist though...he usually asks God to show him the straight path. PS. 27:11 Teach me your way , O Lord; leas me in a straight path because of my oppressors. The one proverb we all know so well... trust in the Lord with all your hearts, don't lean on your own understanding...in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. 3:5-6.
Straight...not crooked!
The thing about warning signs is that I have never seen a sign that warns us that the road will be straight for a while. Why...because we can see it. This warning is up so that we will be aware that the road does not keep going on in a straight line, we have to be alert, we have to slow down or we will end up in lovely ditches.
I think we pray for the straight but in reality we walk on the crooked. Trust in him and in all the crooked paths we walk...He makes it straight. I can't see around the bend, I have no idea the direction...He does so I keep walking. If we could make it straight...we would not slow down. Since the path we walk is crooked yet He makes it straight because we are following Him...we go as fast or as slow as He does. How do we follow...Love God fiercely...treat others the way we want to be treated.
I think it is as straight as that.

Everyday people...Thank you

I had my hair done on Saturday. I was nervous about it all week because no matter how mature I want to be about the way I look, I am very insecure how I appear. Who-ever handles those scissors...can make or break me for awhile. Day in and day out these ladies make a difference...one of those profound how you view life differences. This is uniquely female...for the most part. Sitting with her as she did her thing makes me realize how profoundly thankful I am for her expertise. She cut, colored and helped me walk out with a bit more enthusiasm. Powerful lady in an everyday job.
Another is a man who welcomes me to church every Sunday morning. He remembers my name and looks me in the eye, shakes my hand and gives me a bulletin. Simple...but you know, it calms my anxiety about coming to church in the first place. He makes a difference every Sunday.
These are just two...there are many who faithfully do a good work. Thank you.

Loosing my temper

Mocha....you should already know that it was 'the dog'. Her best buddy is gone to Thailand and she has tolerated us/me. I have fed her, run her, pet her...yesterday she decided out of the blue to pee on her bed as we prepared to go to bed. Oh, I lost it. I yelled at her, yelled at her again and banged some doors really hard. This of course helps nothing...she ran into the corner behind a chair and stayed there maybe all night. I did not care where she slept but I did not want her near me for any reason at all. I asked Nick if he would sleep upstairs just so that she would not whine at the door.
When I get mad at this dog...she goes to Nick. This is huge...she does not usually like Nick. Nick is her litter-mate...Nick is competition all the time for everything, attention, bones, food...whatever. When I am angry at her...Nick is her best friend.
I am still mad at the dog...I am tired of taking care of her and tired of her being so weird all the time. Scott being gone does not help...and now that he will be working away when he comes back the care of this dog falls back on me. I knew this before, I just thought I would eventually like the dog. I guess I tolerate her as she does me, but she always seems to want more.
I think my fundamental problem with dogs is that they are so needy. They need love, attention...I don't like needy. I like cats...they need nothing. We get along great.
I don't think there is a deep truth here to observe. I usually feel bad when I yell, I didn't this time. I feel a bit bad at not even acknowledging her today... this will pass. I will pet her again, feed her and even run her. Scott would be really mad if I didn't...and I need him and love him.
Dogs....Mocha...Sheesh already.

Chosen too or fallen into...

I am beginning to prepare for my Family Psychology class for seniors here at Lynden Christian. What I want to accomplish and what ends up being accomplished has been different every single time I teach this class. This is what I love about this class. The dynamics of the students interaction make each class unique. I do enjoy this...This class, this semester is again different, I will have 32 students my biggest class every. We try to understand who we have become from our families and who we want to be in our relationships in the future. The first few weeks we concentrate on "Who am I".
I am 46 years old and I still am confused by that question.
Who am I? I know I am loved...I know that I have roles...I know that I have a calling/vocation...I know that I have gifts/talents...I know that I have strengths/weaknesses...I know where I am going...I know where I am from...Is this the whole picture?
What I am beginning to wonder is...what is it that others see? I am assuming like me you make judgments about people, and not always bad. I enjoy talking to people, putting the puzzle of their interests and giftedness together and figuring out their calling. I have never really had that opportunity of choosing a vocation, it has kind of just happened. I fell into teaching, I never really chose it. In fact, I was studying to be a nurse until I realized that blood makes me nauseous and sick people make me impatient. I then got my BA in cross-cultural communication and Bible so I could go overseas as a missionary and now have a MA in servant leadership so I could be an administrator at school, both of which I am not doing. BUT...I am teaching cross-culturally in the US.
I wonder how many of us have become what we set out to be...
Who am I anyway...is it what I do, where I am going, where I have come from, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend ? What I have endured and enjoyed, what value, what I loath. The answer is Yes...I am.
Now in the second half of my life...I am wondering if rather then falling into, I can choose. And if I could...what would that be? Have you chosen too or fallen into....is it a good place for you?

Mijo's voice

My daughter has been singing on key since she was a little child. I was always amazed to hear her sing the minor keys in songs she had just heard. She sings all the time and when given freedom to belt out a tune...watch out because she will belt. Her voice is a quiet voice though...not one of those that echos through the auditorium. Her voice is warm and clear and does not mimic the raspy, breathless, nasally pop sound that seems so popular. I have been very careful to not praise too much...seem to have picked this up from my mom. Maybe I did not have anything that was worthy of report but my Mom never told me what I was good at. I still have no idea what would have merited praise from her but I never received it. Her motto was...let others praise you and not yourself. This is all well and good...I don't think she realized that she was part of the 'other' camp and she was allowed too. So I don't want to be like my Mom in that regard...yesterday while Mijo was practising a song she will be singing in competition next week I told her...Mijo, you have a beautiful voice. I love the sound of its warmth and clarity. You really sing well and I think you should pursue some lessons to hone that talent.
Mijo looked at me as if I had told her she had won a million dollars. Had I really never told her? Really? It seems I am sparing in my compliments. This I need to change.
My daughter has a beautiful beautiful voice.

Face of Evil

When in Bali, we saw a typical tourist rendition of a Hindu dance of good verses evil. This was the representation of evil. Let's say...the face of evil:

Big face, long teeth, long fingernails...blond hair, OK maybe not the blond hair but you get the picture. This week the face of evil looks a lot like the aftermath of the earthquake in Haiti, not too long ago the tsunami in Asia. This morning they were interviewing a Doctor in Haiti, in the back ground you could hear a screaming child. Heart wrenching sounds from desperate pain in a hellish situation. We also hear that Haiti somehow deserves this because they have sold their collective soul to Satan. I think it is a bit scary to attribute overt worship of Satan and covert worship of Satan (the god money that the west worships) as reasons for wanton and indiscriminate destruction. Is this the wrath of God at work or is it the face of evil at play? What we know of the enemy...indiscriminate destruction of people who are already poor just because one can... plays itself out in every catastrophe where death and anguish are the result. Where is God in all of this pain...meticulously using one fallen corrupt nation to help another. Where is God in all of this...no matter how bad bad is...there is still good when people pour out their love for the broken just because they are broken. Where is God...is us. The world groans waiting in expectation to become less a violent representation of evil and more the redeemed work of Creation. What a day that will be...

10 minutes will do

10 minutes....Scotty called from Thailand last night at 10 and we talked for our allotted 10 minutes. What can you say in ten minutes...not much but enough. The whole; "How was the trip", "What is it like there", "How warm are you", "When can you sleep"...When we talk again, we will talk about feelings and issues and situations. Distance creates a barrier and time defines content.

The other morning I woke up early and realized that I had slept all night without aide. I was refreshed and so grateful. I prayed a prayer of thankfulness that in all the things I need to say and pray about, it is the small details that make my relationship with God real.

Scott and I are limited by time and distance but those ten minutes every other day make our relationship dynamic rather then static. We can continue our dialogue of marriage rather then wait 3 weeks and start again. Because of those ten minutes...I am not alone in this.

Same with my relationship with God...distance nor time is limited but then, somehow it is. Some encouragement to you if at this time if you and He seem far away...10 minutes will do.

24 years

My mother died 24 years ago...a lifetime. In this picture only two are left and we are both getting older. It was only 6 months after this picture that Mom left her sickly body and got a new one. This was my wedding day in Pyramid, Papua..Indonesia. My Mom had worked so hard to get everything ready for this big day. She and my Dad had only met Curtiss 2 weeks before. I was so young then, so was she. So much loss since that day.

This past week a young wife lost her husband to a farming accident. Mijo commented how similar it was to our situation 10 years ago when Curtiss went to work and fell off a roof. How easily those emotions come back, the sharpness of the loss, the loneliness of the nights. God has restored so much and given me my wonderful Scott and many women who have stepped in for a moment to mother me along. But, I wonder what would I have been like if my Mom had walked these days with me. Would I be more gentle and kind? Would I be less cynical and more trusting? Would I have an easier relationship with God?

Would we be a closer family?

That day in January was such a traumatic day for us all; the phone calls, the long plane ride, the empty house, the broken father. I wanted to ask a friend of mine the other day what it was like to have a mother at this age. But she does not know otherwise...I envy her ignorance.

I hope I am like my Mom in some way...that is some way she lingers not only in our memories but in our experiences. I can't help but feel how different I would be...better I think.

resolution revolution

I make them every year...resolutions that is. I keep them mostly...I usually define myself by categories of resolutions; physical, mental, relational and spiritual. Under these heading I proceed to overwhelm myself with the minutia of details on what I want to accomplish. My theory is make as many resolutions as possible so that I will accomplish at least some of them. I like the idea that I still want to change, have goals I still want to achieve. This year I have decided to have resolutions all year long. I started the day after Christmas rather then on New Years day and so far I accomplished a weeks worth of resolutions.
Physically...cut out refined sugar as much as possible. Check
Spiritually...Start reading through the Bible in a year. Check
Mental...turn off the TV when nothing is on...rather then flip through the channels hoping something will come on. Check
Relational...talk to people other then my immediate family. Not yet.
Also in the 'not yet' category.. start a quilt, write more emails to family, call family members more, get out of my house...

But more important then things to check off though I must say that is tons of fun :)...I want to be positive. period. I don't want to gauge my negative perspective by saying I am just realistic...I can be realistic about being positive. I know it is contagious...I know I like to hang around people who are...I know it makes a huge difference in mental, physical, spiritual and relational health. One thing will make all these resolutions possible...being positive.

My mom use to tell me that her mom use to tell her that there are two kinds of people in the world, those that build and those that tear down. I want to be a Builder. Positive Builder of 2010. PBOT...So ahead in these blogs may the revolution begin.