falling away

"Lack of interest", he said. That's what she said for the reason she left the marriage. She no longer wanted to work at staying in. Marriage is such a tentative thing at the best of times, easily fractured at the worst. Having been married to two different men I can see that more then not, love is a choice not a feeling. It is the same with our relationship with God I think...but with Him, it is a long distance relationship bolstered by letters and 'phone-prayer' calls. Long-distance relationships are fraught with temptations and longing, sadness and anticipation, frustration and contentment. A relationship built on trust and covenant where the One will never waver but the other will always wonder.

"Lack of interest", she said. My heart hurts for my friend who heard this from his wife. A 16 year relationship just fizzled away like pin hole leak in tire. Aware that there is something wrong but after a while letting it go because it is just such a hassle to stop and fix the leak...

Both relationships take effort and attention, a lack of either brings devastating consequences.

Looking up...

Houses in San Fran are beautiful even underneath. I glanced up on a walk through these neighborhood only to be delighted at this workmanship and creative touch. If I looked at instead of up...would have missed the details.

I have been out of sorts in every regard. We are in a building project in our house which creates chaos and chaos immobilizes me. I can't seem to figure out how to look up rather then at.

I can only see what is and not what can be. I only see getting older not getting wiser. I only see my children growing up not launching out. I only see the dryness of my soul not the wilderness of transition. I see the mess not the opportunity for change. I see half my life finished not half still to come.

My perspective needs to change but I can't seem to tilt my neck...reminds me what God called his children...a stiff-necked people. A people to stubborn to change their perspective...am I those people?

Two meanings

Driving down to San Fran for an exciting wonderful dash away, we drove past this painted proclamation. I snapped a picture just because this seems to be my mantra lately. Literally, I don't need to buy so much of what I buy. I do think as those of us who live in a too much society we have too much of everything. I am trying to simplify but it is a process of incremental steps rather then giant steps. I want to get rid of everything except the basics but somehow what I get rid of is quickly replaced. I want to have a moving sale but not really move :). The more I live in our too much society the less I want to have.

I also Don't Buy what many are telling me. There is an arrogance maybe in thinking that people don't have the wisdom to tell me anything, but there seems to be little wisdom out there. Ironic though as I "tell" what I think others should "buy". Again in our too much society we all believe that because we think, feel and want something to be true...it is. So much of what we think is based on cultural tradition rather then biblical tradition. TRUTH in its subversive reality is framed too often in our Western culturally tradition and we will fight for the frame but not the truth. The TRUTH sets people free, cultural framework by definition encloses.

What amazes me about Jesus is how subversive He is in every culturally framework. Think about where His story travels and how much freedom follows until the messengers bring in their cultural framework. I think the truth that is supposed to set us free has been so polluted by Western culture we don't see where one ends and truth begins. Our American framework that rewards power, achievement, wealth, youth, good looks, independence, leisure...Don't Buy It !

The desire to be safe, secure, soft and silly...this being the code of conduct for many of our youth...Don't Buy It ! These are traps and there is no freedom.

I want freedom but not framed in the political mumbo jumbo of American patriotism and our inalienable rights...I want the TRUTH to set me free from all of this and into the Blessed are the poor in Spirit, Blessed are those who hunger and search for righteousness...

Strange day away

Yesterday, we went to sprinkle Scott's parents ashes near Mt. Rainer. A long drive down then up and then over. We gathered, Scott and siblings scattered and we went and had a picnic. Suffice it to say, much more simpler then a funeral, much less emotional...ashes to ashes and dust to dust.

Driving down we discussed the changes in funerals and cremations etc. I have decided that when I die, Mijo will take my ashes and use it as fertilizer for a beautiful tree. I first asked that she take my ashes and sprinkle them on my Mom's grave there in Papua, but planting a tree in her yard or Nick's would be simpler and much more efficient. This got us to wondering the reasoning's behind a grave and the burying of the dead. Our culture is beginning to change its ways about what and where to put the dead, I wonder if this is a reflection of something changing in our cultural mind set. Is there an inherent cultural or even religious value in gathering and burying the dead? Are we supposed to honor the dead in that way or in any way?

Suffice it to say, a morbid conversation but a curious cultural reality. The more primitive a culture the more elaborate it seems the dying and burying and/or burning process. The more important the person in life, the more extravagant his death. I think of lady Diana, Ronald Reagan etc. How would God want us to view this transition time...

It was a strange day in either case but being together as a family, in a car all day long...that was great.

If you don't now maybe you should...

Scott was at drill this weekend so before he goes down to Tacoma for the week we met half way for supper. Since he is coming from drill he has his uniform on ...I am such a sucker for a man in uniform. I really hate being apart from him and when he has drill the length of time between is that much longer. So meeting him for supper breaks up the distance if for a few moments. We timed it perfectly, as I got off the highway coming south, he got off the highway coming north and we drove into the parking lot at the same time. I was so proud to be on his arm walking into the restaurant. Then something strange happened as we waited. Two older men at different times came up to him, shook his hand and thanked him. " Thank you for serving sir", they said. Scott quietly responded, "You are welcome". We didn't talk about it during supper...I don't know if we will...

I lost my first husband in an accident, I often think about what I would do if I lost my second. He may have to go to Afghanistan or Iraq, that is what th National Guard do at the moment. He would be gone for 18 months in a place where being killed can be a part of the job description. A soldier...I have trouble going there, would I be so grateful that he served at that time?

Maybe more of us should say' thank you' to the men/women in the service. It makes a difference...

Loyalty

My post on the world cup. Spain has officially won and to be honest with you I fell asleep in the second half. I am supposed to want the Dutch to win since that is my heritage but secretly I wanted the Spanish to win because they seemed to play nicer. Now since they have won, I am a fan of Spain. Don't tell my Dad...

I have many loyal fans in this house. Nick is a Colts fan and has been fan of Spain for a long time. He is very loyal to these teams. Scott is a Washington Redskins fan for NFL, English fan for soccer and Washington/Notre Dame for college football. Loyal through loss and wins and more losses. Me, I have no loyalty. I go for the winners all the time. Every year I see who has the best season and they become my team. Why not...why do I have to be loyal to something that does not matter?

The men in my family think this is awful...that I would so easily leave a team for another just because they are winning. Why Not? It is just a game, it really does not matter and my lack of loyalty does not reflect on my loyalty to what does matter.

I love winners...in games. I love to win in games. What else in life can you really try your hardest and get the reward. Nothing else really has that pay back. You can try your hardest at being healthy but that does not mean you will never get sick. You can try your hardest at work but you will not always get that promotion. You can love your most consistent but that does not mean your family will not disappoint you. Even in our faith, we are to run to win the prize but that isn't because we have come in first...we are supposed to come in last ! In games...the one who plays the best wins and it is so much fun.

Do not misunderstand...for me a game is a game. I really don't think competition is a fruit of the Spirit. I know many many disagree with me, especially those who have devoted themselves to playing a sport and getting really good at it. Some make too much of what is simply a gift of organized play. From the World cup, to the Olympics, to the LC football game this fall here in little Lynden...may the best man win and I will route for you. NOW...if my kid is playing...he/she is my loyalty.

Jesus in Butte

We stopped in Butte, Montana for a break on our way to Yellowstone. On one of the mountain ridges was this HUGE statue of Jesus...think Rio's Jesus but a bit smaller. I could not figure out what that white blob was in the distance and not until we looked at it through the binoculars did we figure out that in fact it was a statue of Jesus in really Pope looking robes. So what do you think it means not to have graven images of God. I really don't think anyone is worshiping this icon of Jesus...it would take some hiking and climbing to get anywhere near...but what makes us want to take all this effort and energy to make an image of Jesus. It kind of reminds me of the Buddhas strewn all over the world...and a Buddhist will tell you that no one is really worshiping Buddha ...for he is not a god...what are they doing then with all these icons? What are we doing with all these icons?

I used to have pretty benign feeling about the Catholic church. I watched a documentary about the pedophilia rampant in the ranks of priests and my feelings are not so benign...maybe that system has become more malignant. From the icons/graven images to the candles, from the priests/nuns to the popes... rotten in the core.

We need the concrete to make the divine accessible...if God seems distant lets make him tangible. Jesus was human...Jesus is God...lets make an image. God said no before...maybe there is still a no now and the Church lost its way centuries ago. I have no hatred, I have much respect for some...but maybe it is time for a reality check to principles that tradition holds dear but not so much the Bible. What has this church built its foundations upon...maybe it is time for this edifice to crumble.

We protested many years ago...shall we protest again for this soiled bride? In the eyes of the world we are all called Christians...the tangible Christ. We are the images of God...not standing on a mountain ridge in pope robes but driving cars, loving kids and neighbors, working hard at every job. God saved his Image to be reflected in flesh...starting with Jesus continues with me. He still says No to sticks and stones and statues in Butte, Montana.

Opine: expect, believe or suppose

We took a trip to Yellowstone National Park. Nick and I and small dog, in a car, on the road for a looooooong time. To opine about the trip, I was looking forward to beautiful landscapes, long deep conversations with my 13 year old son, and eloquent thoughts about deep things on quiet mornings. One out of three isn't bad, it is quite beautiful in Yellowstone. What is really ironic about this pristine, in the middle of nowhere national park is that there are so many many people. Long conversations with 13 year old sons never happen when you sit in the car for 14 hours, it is usually when you want to sleep at 10 PM. Quiet morning are not quiet when you have a small puppy who wants to play the moment you open your eyes. What we opine usually isn't what transpires.

If we are stuck in what we opine, we can't see what is. That's what plans are...ideas of what should happen, but they are just ideas. So often what we plan is what we suppose should happen rather then what could happen. If I stuck on what I thought should happen I would have been disappointed in what did. Lots and lots of people but because of this we were able to see many more animals...lots of eyes to see shadows on the mountain side. 10 pm is a great time to talk, I don't have to think about what is on the road and I can listen wholeheartedly to what he wants to say rather then what he should say. Because puppies get up early, we started the days much sooner and saw Yellowstone wake up cool and crisp.

Opine and let go...

When do you let it go...

When will what I was become less important then who I am? As I reach the middle earth of living why do the whispers of my early years sound louder and louder? Do I have to listen...or am I finally able to understand that all my years make up all my life. The lonely 6 year old, the confused 13 year old, the angry 17 year old, the hopeful 21 year old, the curious 25 year old, the confident 31 year old, the grieving 35 year old, the restored 41 year old...she is all here. But...when can I silence the younger Heidi with the maturity of Heidi the 46 year old.

I work with high school students who carry their younger wounded selves close to the surface. The inability to carry some of their grief is understandably...I have enough years to hide the worst of mine but these students don't know how and somehow I don't really want them to...How to help them deal though is tricky. How do you deal with wounded souls when the wound was inflicted to a soul being formed...there is so much confusion.

I find my 46 soul protecting my 6 year old and 11 year old soul...but when can I just be 46 and look forward to 83? Do I drag all these years with me or can I be 46 whole, rather then a collection of bad and good years. If I live quickly in the dash...is bringing the past dragging the run? I think I am tired for that reason...I can't embrace my future because I have carried them all too long. They are me...but they can't define who I will become anymore.

Can I let her go? Do we really have to take our history so seriously?