no regrets

is thinking, rethinking, remembering, prioritizing, investing, trying, moving on... everything besides regretting.

This was posted by a friend of mine on her fb page. It is so profound in so many ways that it made me pause. Regret is shame that won't go away, loss that won't stop eating away at every memory, disappointment that has no possible alternative ending. We are told to live life with no regrets but that is nigh impossible and all of us carry some if not the burden of regret into our every year. What if...I should have...book end periods of time which only seem to reflect all our failures and mistakes. Some regret plays itself out every day in consequence. What are we supposed to do with regret?

God regretted making man as He looked at the lengths we would go to run away from all that He is. So regret isn't a sin or a sign of moral failure. God did not make a mistake when He made man but even in His perfect love...our sinfulness gave Him pause. As difficult as it is to regret, it gives us humility.... Not in how we have failed but that we can fail and fail so miserably grants us a true mirror into our soul. We can easily forget, how much we need to be rescued, how everyone is drowning in their own regrets...that humility escapes our outlook and we become arrogant, pious and useless. Regret is humiliating...

No regrets is possible only if we ignore the capacity to sin and are ignorant of our own failures. There is no pain free life...There is forgiveness. Humble yourself the good book says...and He will life you up. Remember regret in light of humility...in that is redemption, the lifting up.

(when I say that God regretted making man which was right before the flood...I am not at all saying that God sinned..or failed...only that the feeling of regret is not in and of itself sinful)

Thank you...

She is a tiny little woman. Hanging on to her son she is about to leave here in Lynden. They have been traveling from the East coast to the West and this is the final stop for her only child. He is one of our wonderful International students from China. He is looking with anticipation at this brand new school, she is only looking at him. We made shaky introduction through the interpreter and as they begin to leave she starts to cry. She grabs my hand and in every tear coursing down her face she is saying to me...please take care of him... "thank you" she says instead..."I will take care of him" I said to her. How could she know how much I understood exactly how both of them feel. How many tears were shed on the airstrip of that tiny little village as we waited for the plane to come and carry us away to boarding school so many years ago.
I hope she knew somehow that I knew what she wanted to say.

Nicklaus Paul

I was really surprised 14 years ago when I found out I was pregnant with this boy. It took so long to get pregnant with Mijo I was sure we were done. If Mijo was a blessing then Nick was the bonus. I have had the privilege of raising a girl and a boy and yes...they are very different. Nick did not have to talk till he was 2...his two moms made sure that every attempt at vocalization was preempted, we already knew what he wanted. Lazy little loved on boy! He is a wonderful person to discover. He is funny at the weirdest times, compassionate, kind and thoughtful. His interests lie in opposition to mine but then he is a boy. He could not wait to embrace Scott after Curtiss passed. I think there was a strong desire to shed some of this female attention he was surrounded by for some good ole male energy. I remember on our wedding day how often he said Dad...for he had been waiting so long to just say those words. He shoots and hunts, plays ball and grunts,, protects and stands up for what is right. He is becoming a man and we watch with much anticipation and pride. Happy Birthday son !

Following

With all the emphasis on leadership these days, I wonder how good we are at following? The ironic part of this is, a great leader has to follow. Listening to and abiding with good advice is an act of following. Acknowledging weakness which graces a humble spirit is a good follower/leader. We are always both...leaders and followers.

I have this aversion to following. I never think anyone knows better how to get somewhere then I do. It is an Achilles flaw in the arrogance of it all and I have and will continue to suffer consequences for that 'aversion'. There is merit in having a critical eye for those who are in front of the pack, keeping them accountable to the principles and visions of the organization/church/team/committee, whatever. There is nothing more frustrating though for someone in leadership who has abided by those principles to have the followers always digging in their collective heels just because they can. Leadership is a title given, trust in direction is a relationship earned. But, if the leader has been placed in leadership by those who we have trusted , it follows that we should follow. I am not talking about politics here...that is a leadership title where trust has to be earned by visible action. We can't 'trust' those who put him there because a majority mind isn't trustworthy.

I am talking about our chosen leaders in the circle of our day to day routines: our work, our church, our homes.

Maybe it is just me, I need to give people the ability to lead me and I need to learn how to follow. I think this shows a respect that I would want if given that leadership role.

Change

This is what I think I need to change...

• My default to hibernation
• My inclination to skepticism
• Snarkiness
• Thinking my opinions matter more then they should
• Faithless-ness

Change always involves buy-in by those who will be most affected. I buy it!

the road ahead

The other day Scott and I were talking about our future and where we think we are going to be in the next 8 years. Mijo and Nick will have both graduated from High school and we will be..well, 8 years older. We had no idea where we would be...and that is a wonderful thought.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and light unto my path...

In our culture...planning ahead is a requirement. Think about the insurance plans you now pay into for what may/will/should happen in the future. The classes you take to make what you are planning for happen. We all assume that we can look far enough down the road to make all necessary adjustment in the here and now to make the then and there happy, safe and rewarding. It is a matter of seeming control but it isn't a matter faith. I think we can plan, that is how we are wired...but I think we should plan like the drive we took through Yellowstone.

We arrived at the part at 10:30 PM and had to find our way to our cabin. There are no street lights, or easy road signs, a bit of an oversight I think. All we had was a direction, a promise of a cabin , our 'lamps' for 'feet' and a light for the path. We had 'faith' in the directions we were given and trust in the car we were driving. Outside was the vast unknown of wild Yellowstone. I think this is what faith looks like. We know our destination, we have our directions, we enjoy the company in the journey and we go only as far forward as the 'light' directs. The Word is a light for the path in front of our feet...we have faith that when/and if the road turns we will know what direction to go when we get there. At this moment we go with what we know to do in the here and now...

That road ahead...will always be hidden in the dark.

My Mijo

This girl of mine is turning 16 today. She was induced after a somewhat difficult pregnancy. We were so surprised to be having her that waiting one or two more days was OK. She came with enthusiasm and has lived every day with that same energy. She is beautiful, smart, talented, gentle and kind. She loves Jesus and is trying to figure out how to follow him in a culture that thwarts every forward motion. She has written her own stories, sung her own songs and loved her own life while honoring her parents.

I often worried I would have a hellion as a child simply as retribution for my own ways as a teenager. Why I was given such a gentle gift that I do not deserve I do not know...but I am so grateful.

Pain is mainly in the ...back.

We are in the middle of a huge remodel project that has involved complicated steps. Since Scott works in Tacoma from Monday through Thursday night we have had to do the majority of work on Friday and Saturday. Nick and I do prep work during the week like moving and digging and taking things down etc. It is crunch time here and as we scramble against rental time and daylight...I have re-injured my upper back. Not the place where I injured it last year but a recurring injury that causes me chronic pain. I overdid it in one of these flurry of activities and was lying on the ground next to all the cement and gravel wondering why I don't stop when I get the warning twinges. Scott keeps telling me to take it easy but as he labors under the sun I don't feel quite right just sitting here typing on the computer...but that is really all I can do and even sitting here my neck, arm and upper back remind me how stupid I can be... Our neighbors also did this same remodel on their basement but their church came out and helped them...a bunch of the guys in their church came out and put up what needed to be done. What a great church right....they are Mormons and they really seem to take care of their own. I have been wishing the same...from our church, from any protestant church. It seems a good thing...

Needless to say...building a wall is tedious to begin with and a man who is by nature meticulous and methodical...they will be beautiful walls.

All this to say...wish I was not in pain...wish we had help...wish it could be done sooner then later...can't wait for everything to be in order again. Being in limbo isn't a land I enjoy visiting.

8 years...

I was telling my brother-in-law the other day what was so amazing about being married to Scott. For the first time in my life...I am in a safe place. Scott brings with him a loyalty that frames my fears of abandonment. He brings a protection that is the foundation against my anxiety. He loves that gives me freedom. It has not been an easy 8 years at all: Scotty has lost both his parents, I have suffered major injuries and job loss, we have traveled over seas ( that wasn't hard though), he has worked away from the home more than once, anger/stubbornness and silence has ruled many a day, financial burdens....we have endured and overcome. I can remember a specific time when things were at the bottom...we could not get on the same page no matter what we tried. Scott was going to marriage counseling by himself as I was too stubborn to go...we were ripping each other apart and I was so sure that this person would leave again so I was going to make sure to be preemptive.

I told him he could leave if it was too much for him. He quietly said..."I am not ever going to leave, Heidi...we can have a terrible marriage for the rest of our lives, not what I wanted, but we can because I will never leave you". That turned me around, I breathed again...I was really truly safe.

Do you hear the rumble?

The engine of Fall has started to rumble. Even though we are still smack in the middle of summer, our attention is towards the Fall. For Pete's sake, the first 'not really real' game of football is on TV today! Registration for classes is this week, people are leaving to go college, teachers are beginning to think about lesson plans. I am in high anxiety because the basement project is not done and the kids have no bedrooms. BUT...Fall is still coming and as much as I want to play the music really loud to drown out the sound of that engine...I can feel summer coming to an end. I am ready for the routine of school, the interaction with students and peers, the energy that teenagers always bring to the table. Nick is in the HS this year and Mijo is running the last of her laps. Her mind has already started with her life after HS and Nick is trying to figure out how to negotiate the halls and schedule in the here and now.

BUT...there are only so many summers and this one is coming to a close. I wonder if the speed of time is directly related to the growth of children . Time is visually recorded in the growth of our children and advancement of their schooling. Time for us is recorded on our faces, in our hair, on our bodies but only incrementally. Having another birthday does not bring new freedoms as it does for the younger humans. Another birthday means we have advanced another year towards that other RUMBLE we seem to hear more clearly with every extra candle we blow out. The rumble of getting older...

When I was young I those who were older were grand and awesome, wise and smart. I wanted to be them...I am getting to be them and I wonder when I will be all that. I do not want to be afraid of the RUMBLE...I want to embrace life is all its stages as I have in our children. I do not not understand the indignity of old age and the homes that hold so many. I sort of wish there was a button we could push to turn the engine off when we are done rather then having it sputter and linger on. I hear both rumbles clearly, one I anticipate the other I dread.

belies the fear within

Mijo and I had a great time in San Fransisco...Lisa and her mom gave us such a gift of adventure and fun for which we will always be grateful.

I learned something on our boat trip out in the bay ... I am afraid of more then I realized. In this picture you can't see it but underneath the merry smiles I am dealing with fear. We hit some swells while were were under the bridge, nothing extreme of threatening but suddenly the same fear that attends when I fly in an airplane settled on me. My first reaction was ' Great...now I can't travel in a boat either' which has been my all time dream way of traveling, boat and train. Where did that fear come? Why here and why now? As I tried to analyze this new anxiety I wondered if it was because of my accident with the horse last summer. A seemingly 'safe' activity that turned out horrible wrong. Will I now be saddled (excuse the pun) with this burden of fear whenever I embark on any form of transportation other then a car? If this is true...I will certainly be hobbled (can't seem to stop) in any attempt to travel. Maybe I should go back on a horse ...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...that form of transportation has a mind of its own which as far as I know is not true for planes, trains or boats. What do we do with irrational fear that has a rational basis: Planes do crash, boats do sink trains do derail and horses do buck. Cars on the other hand...crash all the time!

I really do not want to be afraid anymore, so where do I go from here? How do I become a brave and confident traveler?