Why are you downcast oh my soul...

A strange word...this downcast...usually we use this in context with where we are looking.
In the context of Psalm 42 the verse I am looking at continues...

My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, from the heights of Hermon- from Mount Mizar.

Far away from Jerusalem..the place of worship was this land of Jordan and this Mount Mizar. The depth of who I am, my very soul, longs for the depth of God but I am so far far away.

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

No matter what I seem to do, no matter how much my soul pants for God my soul is downcast within me.

What an amazing Psalm of deep longing...and disappointment.
I say to God my Rock, why have you forgotten me? Why...

And there is no answer. The silence of God is terrifying and complete. But it is what it is...

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him...my savior and my God.

I guess it has everything to do where we are looking...Silence does not mean distance.

He smiled

He smiled as he tried to explain what it was about Americans that he found so amazing. By this time I am assuming most of the Chinese and Korean students are entering that phase where missing home is more powerful then being here. "Dream", he said " Americans dream". Good to know, I thought. He smiled really big..."Everyone here has dreams of what to become, big dreams. This I like. In China..we just become ...what is expected."

A long and winding road....

Each of the students that grace my room on any given day come full of issues that they would like me to deal with as soon as possible. The teachers speak too fast, the videos shown in class are too difficult to understand, the books are too complicated and the list goes on. I do what I can but in the middle of it all I keep reminding them...it is going to be difficult remember? It isn't easy for some English speakers to grasp what is going on in class let alone someone from another language group...but you do remember that is won't be easy especially at first...right? No matter what we do to help, it is still difficult. It is still English, it is still another culture, it is still another country. I keep reminding them that it will get easier...your ears will begin to follow the flow of each of your teachers...
Lately in our chapels we have been talked to on numerous occasions now about how badly our reputations are as Christians. No one seems to listen to us, we all have terrible reputations in the culture at large and we are making no impact for lasting change. I realize especially after this week and the 'pastor' in Florida that we have made some really awful publicity stunts...but I am also reminded that Jesus told his followers...we are going to be hated. If we follow Jesus maybe there should be some unease. People seem to like Jesus if you ask the man on the street, they just don't like his followers. I say...it is easy to like Jesus..hard to follow Him. I don't think he wanted to be liked as much as He wanted to be followed. It isn't supposed to be easy...we are very much like the international students here at LC. We are from another culture, speak another language and hopefully have a different perspective on the whole. It isn't supposed to be easy as much as we want it to be...nothing about that Kingdom is easy. It is contrary to everything this world lives for, runs with and loves. As much as we want to be hip, fun, cool and relevant...I think we are supposed to be a bit like how we are coming across. Not the wacky stupid stunts, or the moral majority political agenda...but the I won't live like that, I won't cheat, I won't live for the dollar, I won't make sex cheap, I won't think less of a race, gender, minority , I will be faithful, I will do justice, love mercy and walk humbly. I will follow Jesus and take up his cross and deny myself and all of that isn't easy or popular.

For the International students it will get easier to acclimate to this LC world...for us who want to follow Jesus, it never should.

God speaks " Jesus"

Reading a book on cultural IQ...best example of someone living in a culture not their own...The author wrote this and it keeps resonating with me...

Being 47

On this day we had spent too many hours sleeping on the floor, had wandered too many days in the rain, used too many holes in the ground for a bathroom and I was near the end of whatever rope I was hanging on.

The outside of my world as I turn 47 isn't the same but this is what I feel on the inside. A bit overwhelmed by the immediate pressures and perplexed by the state of affairs in my own mind.

I am very grateful at this time of my life...I am healthy, my children are well, I have the love of my husband, we are able to pay our bills, I really enjoy the job I have teaching but all I seem to see is the number 47 and it being 3 from 50. Why is it that we always wanted to be older when we were younger then all of a sudden we are older and want to be younger. It is as if there was a period of time we were happy to be the age we were but didn't know it at the time.

I want to be good with 47...48..and onward. I want to be sure that at any age is never to old for God to do wonders. I want to know that getting older does not make me irrelevant. I want to always be attractive to my husband. I want to be taken seriously when I say something because of the life I have lived and what I have experienced. I do not want to be marginalized because of my age or my gender or both. I want to be heard. I want the weight of the years to bear witness to God's faithfulness. I want to try new things and listen to advice. I want to love the young , admire the older , and learn from the middle. I want to speak up , speak out and listen carefully.

So a happy 47th..even if the happy part I am not so sure about.

First week...

It was our first week of school and we began well. We have a new Principal, I have a new room, I have a house in dis-array, my husband is gone till October, both my kids are in the high school, both my kids come home around 6 from football and drama, my son fractured his arm...We are all good. When things begin to pile up my body reacts. I get cold sores, my eyes get achy and my back twists in a knot. I am a little overwhelmed with-in the details. I know it is just a matter of getting into a rhythm of sorts and doing what can be done in the time allotted. I find myself at the end of the day wishing I could go to bed at 7 knowing I have to wait till 10.

I am tired for sure but it is the morning I am looking forward to...in the morning I don't feel so overwhelmed as thought the day with all what may happen is there to discover...who knows what will get done, what conversation I will have, what new thing I will learn. It is the night that brings me angst...what I could not do, what was not done, what person I was not able to to talk to, what phone call I did not make, what bill I did not pay.

His mercies are new every morning...I get that. Expectation is a great motivator. It is morning and I have the day ahead of me...I wonder what will get done, what project will be advanced, what message of hope will be communicated. It is what we all have...this day, this very day.