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He is and will be now for awhile....exhale....Scott that is.

Hedging the bets

Yesterday in class a student was talking about his bad luck. In his broken English he was telling us that even though he prayed he has much bad luck. He had lost in playing his xbox games, it had rained when he left the Y so his ride home was wet but the worse was that he had gone to the bathroom and while there realized that there was no toilet paper. To make matters worse, there were no males in the house he could call to deliver the toilet paper since they had gone hunting. He was left with only females which he could never ask to deliver the TP...he got stuck twice not having TP. "Bad-luck, I have to take two showers. But I pray", he wondered.

"So, who are you praying to?" I ask... knowing that he is not a believer."God and Buddha" he said."Buddha lets us talk to anyone".

So what do I do with that?

Might as well be me

In my last post I shared how difficult it is to talk about our personal faith...I might as well start. As you know by now Scott has been working away from home for about 8 months now. The last 7 weeks he has not been able to come home on the weekends because he has been working 12 hour days seven days a week. It is harvesting season , it will come to an end but I am finding something strange happening in our relationship. We talk to each other every day but we have less to say. His world and my world don't Venn diagram anymore. We have no intersecting areas, not even with the children. I can try and explain what is going on here and he there but the distance has become more then just miles. It isn't lack of interest or lack of love or lack of anything but time together. When you are in sync with someone, communication isn't difficult. Scott and I are out of sync which a week together will remedy. Don't know if that would help with my relationship with God.

The verse in Psalms that tells us to be still and know...that wonderful verse that puts our life on necessary pause...In Hebrew 'be still' means 'Enough' ! Enough and Acknowledge that I am God...not so much a necessary pause but an abrupt command. Stop it...Stop musing, commiserating, doubting, wondering, wishing, wandering away...Enough! Acknowledge God for not being what you expect, not running to your every whim, bigger and better then you imagine, not Santa Clause, apart from your human imagining, outside of it all and inside all at the same time, Macro and Micro, the Grand story of Time and the intimate story of place...

What I know about Scott belays any fears of distance and being out of sync. I know his loyalty to me and his love for me...I know we will both work hard to get back on the same page.
God is asking me to do the same about Him...Enough already , know me..we can get back on track, Anytime!

A safe place

In class we were discussing normative behavior at LC, this is my Psychology class. A comment by one of the students struck me. "There really are no safe places to express what you really think or feel. One way or the other you will be judged or talked about for what you really think."

I have two Dutch boys in class and they were bemoaning the fact that here in America we all seem so afraid to really say what we are thinking...about politics, religion and sex. I think what we are most afraid to really talk about is our faith...I know this is true in my classes in this Christian school. If I want to shut down a class room quickly all I have to do is ask people to say something personal about their faith. Some will talk about politics, social issues, drinking habits even their sexual escapades but they won't broach their faith with any ten foot pole. It is private, personal and none of your business.

There is a lot of Dutch in me in that I have no hesitation about telling people what I think. I do it less and less though because I have come to realize that so much of the time we aren't really listening to each others point of view but waiting for our soap box to preach. I really don't mind a good discussion about opposing view points but it gets so personal so soon that it is better for the discussion not to even begin. It is kind of sad because we are not listening and learning from each other. We are not being that iron that sharpens iron.
I agree with those students...I also wonder where the safe places are for us adults?

Not talking enough

Scott has been away from home a long time. He used to come home on weekends but for about 5 weeks now he has been away. I have gone to see him for an evening but for the most part...I have been alone with my thoughts. Like this tulip petal on the ground...my thoughts when not expressed become quite disconnected. One of my strengths is connectedness...the ability to connect random things, thoughts, happenings, etc. together and make some kind of sense. Another one of my strengths is ideation and intellection...I love to learn new things, think about things and come up with new ideas for about everything.

( Those of you who do not know about these strengths...it is a psychological profile we have done in our school with students and teachers to have a handle of our 5 major strengths out of 37. It has been very helpful in figuring out who we are from our strengths.)

The problem is that my head becomes very full if husband isn't around to talk too....my brain just gets fatter and fatter. I am an introvert by nature...sitting at home with a good book (gathering more ideas and thoughts) then go out and about. All is well and good and balanced only if husband is here to help drain my thoughts and ideas. He has the patience to listen to me and gently let me know how off base I have become or the best to tell me he has never really thought of it that way.

He has been gone too long...I have been thinking too much...fat head needs patient ears !!!!!

Being Mad

Have you ever been mad at someone and know that 1. There really isn't a good reason for you to be mad 2. They don't even know that you are mad at them 3. All the bad feeling you have had for them have been for the most part unspoken and 4. You secretly wish they knew but are happy they don't because otherwise you would have to deal with our own personal issues.

I realize how immature this sounds and passive aggressive but to be honest, this is how I deal with my anger. I have friends who are great unloaders...they tell who they are mad at, what they are mad about and what should be done. I have grudging respect for that but in retrospect maybe the way I deal with my anger is not so bad. Most of my anger towards someone isn't about them, it is about me. Something they have not done for me or should have done or could have done. In our American direct approach we are all for getting it out and dealing with it right away...I am a bit Asian in my approach. First I unload my anger on an innocent bystander ( husband). I see how he reacts to my anger and if he feels as strongly about my offense, then I feel justified. If he looks at me like I am a bit of a loony...well, I swallow my anger and wait till it passes. Just because I am angry does not mean my anger is justified...Just because I feel strongly does not mean that this strength of emotion needs to be unloaded.

I am a great swallower of anger..rarely have I ever unloaded on anyone at all, in fact I can't remember a time when I have. It isn't that I do not get angry, I just never feel that I have the right to fire at will. OK...I must confess, my children have received my anger justified or not. I seem to have no problems letting them know exactly how what they have done or not done has made me feel. Maybe it isn't fair that they see me in all my un-loveliness...maybe they see me for who I really am.

Boy, am I glad that they still love me....