A picture

As far back as I can remember, this picture has graced a prominent place in our living room and continues its place of honor in Dad and Elfrieda's home in Saskatoon. It is so familiar to me but still I always pause to look at it again when I am in their home. You would think it is a maple tree in a fall setting but rather it is a tranquil very tropical, Indonesian home with this extraordinary red tree.
 I don't know anything about where it was purchased, who painted it and where it is...yet, it has graced all our homes in Indonesia, Holland, Pennsylvania ( 2  houses), Tennessee, back in Indonesia, Saskatoon, Kelowna and back in Saskatoon.
I have always liked this painting...it's the red tree that draws you.

We dropped Mijo off at Caperwray Harbour just this past Friday. It was 32 years ago I arrived at the same Harbour, a year younger and weary already with the weight of the world. As we said goodbye at the dock and we left her crying and uncertain, I realized how much stronger she is and how much more whole she gets to be starting out her own life.

Like this red tree so prominent in this picture so is the baggage of my life. I wondered as we made our long way home, when would I be free of that residual baggage. Is it a choice that I have to make? Or will it always be present in every 'home' I settle?  Have I been so marked that every goodbye and every transition will be fraught with so much anxiety? 

Big Sigh... I have no idea except that leaving her there was hard on me. Her taking her first steps away from me...makes me feel that the best of my life's work is winding down. I hope this is not true...but it is how I feel. When Nick leaves...will I be finished with all that is important? 

Maybe the red tree is what also defines my strength...even as I see it as my weakness. What I have called my wounds has been what has made me resilient and adaptable. Maybe, but more often I think it makes me brittle and unforgiving. I guess that's the choice I have with that ever present red tree.

What should have been said...

What Obama should have said…

As Americans we have always dealt with people in our midst who believes in awkward, divisive, inflammatory and rude opinions. As a government because they are allowed to say it, produce it and celebrate these inconvenient and often times stupidly wrong ideas, I cannot apologize for what I have not said or believe.  I will acknowledge with you that this person’s opinion and his expression of his opinion has offended you and enraged your beliefs.  As an American, I acknowledge his freedom of expression but wholeheartedly express my opinion that what he said and did was offensive and stupid.

I, personally, find it offensive that you have taken this one man’s  obscure, asinine expression as a wholehearted disregard from the majority for what you honor and hold sacred. We are not a target for your anger; we are not an expression of this one man’s opinion. And though we allow his expression of stupidity, we will not allow your expression of physical brutality and anger toward innocent Americans go unanswered.  You may tell us we are stupid and ignorant, but you cannot kill us because you think we are. 

If your governments cannot tell the difference between the two, maybe they also do not need the financial and economic support we have given over these past months and years and decades. We want to be a good neighbor in our global economy but we cannot be held hostage by violence from your radical groups because of some radical ignorant  thinkers on this side of the world...  You may be angry, you may write and scold and harangue…but you cannot kill and destroy, for that we will hold you accountable.

random opinionated thoughts

I am so tired of playing nice to the radical Muslims of the world and in saying that am I now a target?  I would ask as God says, that revenge belongs to God...is theirs not big enough to take care of being insulted? Revenge is mine says the Lord...Why do they believe it is theirs?

Politicians cannot tell the truth...don't know the truth...are unable to see the truth...don't care about the truth. It is hard to believe anything that comes out of any of the talking heads.

I think the biggest misunderstood aspect of Obama is that he is not of this culture or of any, really. He is a third cultured person, being raised in a culture not his own and really not knowing where he belongs.  Being a TCK myself, I get his ambiguity because fundamentally he has no loyalty. Loyalty to a culture is what differentiates those from being on the outside and those who belong.  He has always been one looking in. It isn't right or wrong, it is just what it is. IT is hard though if you are the head of a country where your loyalty to its cultural heritage is ambiguous.

Marriage is hard but worth every and all effort to make it spectacular...it is a direct road to being content.

Trusting God is the hardest aspect of faith not because He isn't trustworthy but because our discomfort doesn't seem to be an aspect of high importance. 

Money, the need for, the desire for, the necessity is a god that runs closest to our need for an idol.

Being a middle age woman has to be the most powerful, overlooked age group in our country. When our looks become secondary to our influence, we seem to garner less attention but more respect.

No matter how much Romney seems the be an answer to some of the woes , it bothers me that he is and will be so easily influenced by the man he thinks is a direct apostle from God, his Elder. That his faith though moral in its behavior is exclusive and secretive in its membership.

Seeing the forest for the trees...

or something like that... Or is it , the trees for the forest...
Someone who "can't see the forest for the trees" has typically become so focused on details that he or she begins to ignore the overall situation. People might also phrase this expression as “you can't see the wood for the trees,” which is the more common form in the UK. A person accused of being unable to see the forest for the trees may want to take a step back from the situation, to regain a wider perspective on a problem.

Oh, google you are so succinct in giving wisdom. The Bible being a bit better on the topic " Teach me to count my days...O God".
" Today when you hear His voice"...
The Bible, it seems, on one hand tells us to keep count of the trees yet on the other hand, tells us to embrace the forest with all the trees.

There seems to be a collective weariness in my home as well as at school. It may be just me as I concentrate so on the day to day that I am losing sight of the Big Picture. 

Myopia isn't healthy or productive or fun or essential or interesting or life giving or beneficial or good. It is easy and lazy to think that my world and my issues are of utmost importance. We are told to lift up our heads...literally when I am walking around and figuratively when I am being myopic. See that the world I have been called to inhabit, the sphere of influence I have been stationed in...is not so much about how comfortable and I happy I am.
 I  have been hugging my personal trees and I need to see the forest I have been called to wander in...Life up your head, Heidi...look around.

On the eve...

I turn 49 years tomorrow and even though this picture is when I was a bit younger, this may be the vision I have for this last remaining year in the 40's. Age is so relative to perspective, health, outlook, personality and numerous other markers that a number means so little. A baby of 1 month was sent home to his His Heavenly Father just two days ago...and this will be the 3rd this year of babies I knew who had not celebrated their first birthday. These little lives in their moment of earthly time had and continue to impact the lives of those who loved them. So, what really does it mean that I turn 49? As internal as I am, I wonder if I am becoming someone of significance.
I look over the side of this mountain called life and I know longevity isn't promised nor is comfort. I know because the road I have traveled to be here is marked by tragedy and intense joy. I know that relationships matter and that relationships take time. I know that getting things are fun and traveling is so much fun, as I know that having nothing and coming home has its own amazing comfort. I know God is mysterious and I come to Him with much more trepidation for I know what He allows. I know that we all suffer our private griefs and deep sorrows and shame.  I know that we all need more time then we have to be what we want to become. I know that evil is real and that the enemy continues to prowl mercilessly in search of devouring whatever is good.
I sit on the edge of 49 and I am very gratefull for good heatlh, wonderful family, good job and enough to give away. I am also sobered at what may lay ahead....

Psalm 71: 17-21
God, ever since I was young you have taught me about what you have done. To this very day I tell about your wonderful acts.18God, don't leave me even when I'm old and have gray hair. Let me live to tell my children about your power. Let me tell all of them about your mighty acts.19God, your saving acts reach to the skies. You have done great things. God, who is like you?20You have sent many bitter troubles my way. But you will give me new life. Even if I'm almost in the grave, you will bring me back.21You will honor me more and more. You will comfort me once again