We are all captive

And ransom captive Israel....

I was thinking long and hard about being a prisoner. What it means to be captive beyond the physical bars. I was thinking about what lies I have believed, lived in and trusted that inevitable make me captive. If truth sets free, then lies make captive.

Our culture is captivated or makes itself captive...by power, beauty, wealth, security and freedom.  All of these principals can be neutral until they are made into idols. We reflect what we worship.
One of the lies that I have believed is that my value as a human being is wrapped up in how I appear. So this lie has permeated how I feel about getting older, how I react to becoming marginalized, if and when I gain weight, how much I exercise, how my clothes fit, when and if I can eat and how I am compared to those around me.
I read this the other day and it rings so true for those who wrestle with body image, eating disorders and self loathing issues. 


Food is my enemy as it is my addiction
exercise is my tormentor
clothes are my chains and
comparison is my currency of value

Our isolation cells are just that.
So the truth is
My body is the holy temple of the Holy Spirit.
I am not to worry what I should wear
Beauty is deceptive and charm is vain
Food is for the stomach, it is to be enjoyed
My mind is to be transformed from this culture..the mold where I cradle our 'truths' needs to be     broken and my mind needs to be renewed.
I am precious in the sight of the Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth.

How this truth will set me free, is my every day prayer. Mindfulness and meditation will break the bars of molded lies that have wrapped around me a suffocating isolation and loathing.
NO MORE , I long to be free.
And you...what lies  strangle your joy and hold you captive?

O Come O Come...Advent

And ransome captive Israel, who mourns in lowly exile here until the Son of God appear..

REJOICE, REJOICE

It is in the waiting that  we understand hope. It is in the hoping we figure out Faith. It is in Faith that we love and it is in love, we know God.

What a poignant song this song of advent.  A lament almost, a plea for relief . Come, please come and see me for where I am. Collectively we sing and long for the begining of somethign differnt because our reality is suffocating. O Come, please Come.

In that longing is a simple command..REJOICE, REJOICE, He Came.

I have been listening to Rikk Watts of Regent College in Vancouver,WA. His series on Life in God is changing the way I think about everything I have learned and understood. I listen while I run to distract me from...well, running.  There have been times when he has said something so profound that I sit on my yoga mat and just ponder how this truth will change my life.

One thing I am hearing will  make Christmas different this year. It is the fresh perspective of God being here. God as a baby: the most approachable human being on earth, is a baby.  Not a baby in a temple, or a mansion, or hospital, or a suburb ranch house, but a baby in a manger.

O come, O come so we can.

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home

Happy Birthday to my Dad..85 well lived years.

Dear Dad,

What I do not have here is the middle years...the Start in Sumatra, through the Japanese camps in WWII to the reconstruction years in Holland, the meeting of Mom in France, to the start of the great adventure in Papua. I don't have the years where I got to know you...the years when you parented us in transitions; the years in Holland, in Pennsylvania, in Tennessee, then back to Papua.  The years of loss and heartache are also missing in these pictures as well as the years of growth and new discoveries as you and Elfrieda made a new life.What is true about all these pictures though, is that in your 85 years  you have a life well lived, a life so loved.

Heidi 

Ponder the path of your feet...

Prov. 4:25-27

Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you.
Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure.
Do not swerve to the right or the left; turn your foot away from evil.

How easy is it for you to get distracted?  There are times in my home where I clean distracted on purpose. I pick up one things to take to the bedroom and find something in the bedroom that needs done and bounce across the house that way, eventually getting it done. I love this way of cleaning because in the distraction of the moment even though I get things done it takes on the air of an adventure.  This is course can only be done if I have lots of time ahead of me and time isn't crunched.
If I focus...what takes me all day distracted can take me a few hours.

I live life often not in the distracted way but in the wandering, what will happen today, way.  In the past I was taught that God would direct my path and I often assumed in that directing it would come out of nowhere and certainly in a momentous kind of  way.  A kind of  haphazard, hopefully God will make sense of my life as I maneuver through. Always waiting for that specific calling, direction, feeling etc. where I will know the way forward.  Waiting on the Lord seemed literally that we were sitting and waiting for that specific direction to float down into our consciousness.

What if...waiting on the Lord was kind of like pondering the path of your feet...intentionally figuring out the direction ahead.  I am not saying that God does not speak directly or specifically, but what if the pondering and figuring out is exactly how God leads you. What if it was that simple...
Keep your feet from evil...you know what that is...and ponder, move forward, ponder again and confidently move forward.  Even if it does not 'succeed'...maybe you have to change your idea of what success looks like.

Maybe for you, your life is a wandering kind of life. Maybe some are focused and efficient ...does it matter if you have pondered your path, turned your feet from evil,  kept your gaze forward/upward?

There is such freedom in that...I am where I am and will ponder when the road ahead gives me choices, knowing that if it is not towards evil, I can be sure it is the way to go.

That old feeling again....

We were 6 years old when we were sent off to boarding school. 1st grade, loaded on a little airplane for the next 4 months with a visit after 2.  I really had no idea how young six years old was until I had a six year old of my own. Dropping her off on her first day of school, 1 mile from my front door, caused me all sorts of angst. I can't imagine what my Mom and Dad were thinking. I do remember Mom never crying until we left...then looking over my shoulder, as the little airplane went hurtling down our little airstrip, I would see her pull the white handkerchief out from her sleeve, fluttering in the breeze like a sign of surrender. 

The week before was a slow withdrawal from family life to school life as we packed our little suitcases. We heard over and over again from my parents how exciting and fun being at school would be. They said it so often that we began to anticipate the 'fun' of it all knowing all along how terrible it would feel to be away from them.


I couldn't wait to see my friends, to be in school, to swim in the pool, Friday fun nights,  soft ice-cream, sunshine, 6 weeks break and everything that was orchestrated to give us a good place to go for 'necessary' school. For the most part our teachers and houseparents did a wonderful job. There were a few who made it  hard but for the most part it was fun, it just wasn't home.

 I will write soon about how it was at school, but for today I want you to know what it was like to be home. We were home only 4 months out of the year but it was the only time we were not one of the many...we were one of the few. We had our parents attention. The Nduga tribe lives in  many valleys where it rains most every day. Summer plans had to be crammed in before the afternoon rains; pick nicks,treks to the waterfalls, adventures.  Then we moved to inside fun...adventures with Lego, many many books, games and furniture forts.  We had clay in the back yard, parrots to avoid, turkeys to run away from, dogs to catch before they ate the chickens, ducklings to hatch and fruit to gather.

Christmas break sent us off to Karubaga where we visited a much more organized station with tennis courts and sunshine all day.  Christmas was spectacular...Mom was amazing in cooking on a wood stove and creating such a wonderful space for our family to celebrate.
We always counted the days...because there was never enough time.  Too soon we would start packing and preparing to leave.

Anchoring every time at home was the reality that it would end too soon. I could see through my young eyes that it was hard on my mom...it was hard on me...we pretended it wasn't.

This boarding school policy was short sighted and the ramification of this cycle long lived. I still unpack baggage from those years. It does not weigh me down, limit my progress or stunt my ability to thrive.  I am weary of the idea that MK's continually need 'help' to cope or the idea that MK's needs are that special. Our world is much too global now to have the market on issues.   Everybody has their stuff...mine is packaged in loss.

Scott is home 3 weeks then gone for 3. As we count the days he is home, it is a familiar feeling.

But, I should be ....

The thing about pain, disappointment, grief is that there is always someone else who is suffering more.  So in comparison...we should be grateful. It could be worse is a refrain bouncing in the back of my mind as I contemplate my own personal sorrow.  It stops me from sharing, from crying in public, from going out with friends, from having people over...I have no right to my pain because it is not nearly as bad as ______________. 

Currently in the lives around me there is unbearable pain of  a person losing their battle with cancer, a child who is suffering from an incurable life threatening disease, family pain and discord, loss...in all its shards.

  Ps. 31: 1 I take refuge in you, LORD. Please never let me be put to shame. Rescue me by your righteousness! 2 Listen closely to me! Deliver me quickly; be a rock that protects me; be a strong fortress that saves me! 3 You are definitely my rock and my fortress. Guide me and lead me for the sake of your good name! 4 Get me out of this net that's been set for me because you are my protective fortress. 5 I entrust my spirit into your hands; you, LORD, God of faithfulness— you have saved me. 6 I hate those who embrace what is completely worthless. I myself trust the LORD. 7 I rejoice and celebrate in your faithful love because you saw my suffering— you were intimately acquainted with my deep distress. 8 You didn't hand me over to the enemy, but set my feet in wide-open spaces. 9 Have mercy on me, LORD, because I'm depressed. My vision fails because of my grief, as do my spirit and my body. 10 My life is consumed with sadness; my years are consumed with groaning. Strength fails me because of my suffering; my bones dry up. 11 I'm a joke to all my enemies, still worse to my neighbors. I scare my friends, and whoever sees me in the street runs away! 12 I am forgotten, like I'm dead, completely out of mind; I am like a piece of pottery, destroyed. 13 Yes, I've heard all the gossiping, terror all around; so many gang up together against me, they plan to take my life! 

  14 But me?

 I trust you, LORD! I affirm, "You are my God." 

Often times in the moment, my prayer is simply...

"You are my God, I have no other. Have mercy not only on me but on every story I know, and every story I will never hear. I know if what gives me pain is hidden in plain view, we are all the walking wounded." 

I think it is more honest to be wounded and grateful, grieving and joyful, disappointed and hopeful, doubtful and faithful.

I keep forgetting this.

I rejoice and celebrate in your faithful love because you saw my suffering— you were intimately acquainted with my deep distress. 




I should be everything that I am...and so should you.

  

Pearls

Droplets hanging on a spiders web.
Tenaciously hanging on...like pearls of wisdom. 

Wisdom was used by the Almighty to create the foundations of this world and the glories of the Heavens.  Wisdom is more precious then rubies and to be desired more then gold. To be envied is the one who finds wisdom and the one who gets understanding. Her ways are more precious, nothing we desire compares to her. Her ways are pleasant and all her paths are peace. She is the tree of life. Wisdom is life to  your soul, keeps your feet walking securely. You will not be afraid and your sleep with be sweet.

Wisdom is female.

She stand in the market place and calls out to all who come by...
Folly is also female...she brings destruction.

I wonder .

More to come....as I ponder. 

"It takes a long time to grow young"

“For we have sinned and grown old and our Father is younger than we.”           ------G.K. Chesterton

 

 And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory are being transformed with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.  1 Cor. 3:18

But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind. Is. 40:3

 

 

“It takes a long time to grow young.”  P. Picaso

 

 “It does not take much to make us realize what fools we are, but the little it takes is long in coming.”
― Flannery O'Connor

You got me when I was an unformed youth, God, and taught me everything I know. Now I'm telling the world your wonders;  I'll keep at it until I'm old and gray. God, don't walk off and leave me until I get out the news Of your strong right arm to this world, news of your power to the world yet to come, Your famous and righteous ways, O God. God, you've done it all! Who is quite like you?  You, who made me stare trouble in the face, Turn me around; Now let me look life in the face. I've been to the bottom;  streaming with honors; turn to me, be tender to me, and I'll take up the lute and thank you to the tune of your faithfulness, God. I'll make music for you on a harp, Holy One of Israel.
  Ps. 71:17-22

Now for something completely different

In my drop box I have a collection of photographs from my youth, my parents youth and pre-children days. I look at my parents...

and think...OK, these cats were cool !
I mean, they should have graced the pages of some Paris style magazine, since that is where these two met each other and lounged gracefully I am sure in some cafe.

In reality, they were in the jungles of Papua, Indonesia. They were raising 3 kids in a tent with no running water with people who had not yet wandered out of the stone-age let alone into the 20th century until My Dad  trekked into their valley September of 1963.   
I am humbled by their stories, their boldness, their trust, their courage... their really cool clothes/style.
Looking at them from this perspective...our generation, we have lost some of the cool and most of the courage.
Me,  looking out from those baby eyes, how could I have known all that was normal for me then is amazing from these 51 year old eyes looking back.

What a legacy ! 

Curtiss Lee

Curtiss would have been 55 years old today. We met at Moody Bible Insititute and married the year we graduated. This picture was taken at CMA conference in Pyramid, Papua on July 13, 1985.  6 months later my Mother left this earth and 14 years later Curtiss followed.
This man captured my heart with his passion for the Lord, his sense of humor, his love for adventure and his love for me. He played scratch golf and wrote poetry. He loved his friends and loved his family and wrestled with demons of addiction and self worth.  To say we had a lovely and peaceful marriage would be false, there were some years that were hellish for both of us. When he died at the early age of 39 he had driven most demons away and had lived shame free for a year. He is the father of both our children and has left his legacy imprinted on their personalities and features.
There are times when I am still angry for the years swallowed by addiction and its aftermath. I have another life now but on this day and April 26th, the anniversary of this death...the life we had comes back into focus. It is strange to speak of a former husband, I know. It is at times awkward when I call Scott, Curtiss though that happens less and less. Most the people I see on a daily basis never knew Curtiss or my life with him. I wonder what my life would have been if he was still in it. If we would have worked through our issues and had a good life. If his love for his kids would have given the impetus to live sober. He was such a good soul, such a peaceful and broken man. When I hear the phrase from Leonard Cohen's , Anthem...

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.


We are all cracked open with our own brokenness...if ever I saw light shine through broken though was in the life of Curtiss Lee.


September 4, 1959 - April 26th, 1999

A conversation can change things

Since he has been able to pick up a stick , this boy of ours  has played a soldier, walking around our neighborhood in full camouflage and pretend rifles and hand grenades slung over his little shoulders. When I married Scott coming from a family of Marines, being a Marine himself, must have been a gift from the God he was getting to know. I was sure this was going to be a phase...like being an astronaut or president.
As he got older, he immersed himself in WW I and II history, military history and reading soldier stories of old and present. I began to understand that this was not a little boys imagination but a young mans ambition and my Mama influence came into full force. I was using my 'amazing' persuasive powers to change his mind.
I have worked on him for the last 4 years and finally when he decided to go on a mission to Palestine with Pioneers, I thanked God I had a year more to talk him out of it or God  who if course was also  on my side, would change his mind while he wandered in the "holy" land.
Last week at the fair which comes here every summer, Nick went to talk to the Marine recruiter...on a whim, a short conversation changed to a long conversation. It seems that if you go to a country that is hostile to the US after the age of 15, your security clearance to do anything in the Marines is significantly limited. He could be a cook...maybe. You would think that this would be an answer to my many years of prayer, he would go on his mission and never go in the Marines,
 OR...go on his mission, which is the Marines.

In churches, I always have found it amazingly ironic that students who go on mission trips, or go to YWAM  get prayed for in  front of the church.  As if what they are doing is more important than a student who is working a job or  going to University where their faith will be tested and their opportunity to be a witness more profound then a 10 day mission/tourist trip or a 6 month long discipleship course. I think if every student was sent out with prayer support from their church body, than students would realize they are always on a mission to bring the Kingdom of God wherever they are planted. There is nothing we do that is of more value then something else in kingdom building.There are some things however,  that are more difficult.

I think going in the Marines will be difficult for his mind, body, and soul as a Kingdom Builder. I would have asked you to pray for Nick if he was going to Palestine, I need to ask you to commit to pray for Nick going into this mission, the Marines. You won't have to support him financially...but can I ask for your prayer support?

There is a lot of fear in this decision...not him,I have never seen him more sure. I am afraid because I know God does not necessarily keep safe. I know the business of the Marines is war...
He wants to be an Honorable Warrior.
He wants to honor God in the Marines...I wonder at times if that is possible.
I know, I know....

One conversation...

N3um56be97rs and idols

^{1 John 5:
18} We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the One who was born of God keeps them safe, and the evil one cannot harm them. ¹⁹ We know that we are children of God, and that the whole world is under the control of the evil one. ²⁰ We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true. And we are in him who is true by being in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life.
²¹ Dear children, keep yourselves from idols.

There is so much in those 4 short verses and I have had these verses in mind all month...what surprises me about 1John though, is how he ends. He has not spoken about idols in all 5 chapters. It is as if it is a PS: Oh, children...keep yourselves from idols. 

On my walk today I was thinking about idols. What makes something an idol?
I think it is any thing or person  that generates strong emotions and in which we think lies our happiness, safety and fulfillment. My idols are money and numbers. 
Money because the lack of it makes me afraid and more of it makes me happy. Numbers, and this is a bit of a sneaky one but so amazingly pervasive...
Think about how numbers can make a difference in how you feel about yourself and others. How a number can make you feel discontent, insignificant and prideful; age, weight, size, miles run, hours spent, money saved, money earned. Everything we are comes down to numbers...numbers create a boundary in which we choose to live. 
How often a day can be ruined by a silly number on a scale or written subversively in my wrinkles. How about a number on a pair of jeans, dress or shirt which is bigger or smaller than what we anticipated and how that can affect our day positively or negatively. That number has ruined many a young woman's life as that number has dictated whether she can eat or not. If a person has a number attached to their person as to the numbers of years they have been given to live, we choose to respect or not respect. A year of my life was thrown for a spin because I was turning an inevitable number...

What do you do with idols? You find them, you burn them and you repent from them and begin every day from that day forward to untangle the web of lies that idol has wrought upon your soul.  Then you read the verses before verse 21...

¹⁸ We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the One who was born of God keeps them safe, and the evil one cannot harm them. ¹⁹ We know that we are children of God, and that the whole world is under the control of the evil one. ²⁰ We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true. And we are in him who is true by being in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life.

Heavens declaring loudly

Same sky, different nights...exploding glory.
 I am in need of perspective these days. Things are not quite working out as we expected or at least hoped for and  we are in a place of uncertainty. Focusing in on our life, our circle of concern and I am lost in the myopia of the moment. I look outside of that circle and I see quite a few of our friends and family struggling ..I look farther and the whole world  is unraveling. It seems that a thread has been pulled and every day brings further proof that things are uncertain the world over.
Then on a given evening I glimpse outside of my front door and  the heavens are shouting, loudly, boldly that beauty belongs even in the middle of uncertainty. Creator God says that the heavens declare His faithfulness, His glory. If He is so bold to declare, in moments, spectacular beauty for anyone who wants to look, can I also believe that the same God can make sense of our uncertainties?  Can beauty for all be an expression of love for all? And when I see beauty in His creation I can be assured of His love.  And if He loves, He is present in all that is uncertain.
Beauty to Love to Hope to Peace, in all that is uncertain.

right to be right

I don't know what it is about us but we like to put 'them' into boxes.  So far there are quite a few boxes to separate and segregate just with a casual wandering through my fb news-feed and twitter account. These are boxes by the way that we give each other in the fold called the family of God; conservative, progressive, evangelical, fundamentalist, pentecostal, orthodox in every flavor, liberal, right-wing, left-wing, emerging- emergent- emerged...I don't know. This of course isn't including the myriad of denominations, creeds and ism's of particular issues whether it be gender issues, roles in the church and family, what is sin, poverty, compassion, missions, modesty, parenting, marriage, persecutions of and by. We collectively hate them and love others.  What is a family, a relationship and when should we be mad at or offended by a corporation, country or collective thought that is popular at the snapchat moment.

We have various numbers of steps to repair, fix, overcome, rethink get right all of the above: 7 , 8, 13, 21, 56 steps to everything.  There are articles I read that I won't go to the comment section because inevitable there is a yahoo who thinks swearing and ALL CAPPING will change everyone's opinion just because he/she swore and ALL CAPPED.

We are so earnest, so desiring for the other to come over to our side of the issue. We are so sure we are so right about so many many things. If only 'they' could see how stupid, lost, angry, un-educated, miss-informed, self centered, liberal, conservative, immature, young, old, traditional, progressive 'they' are...if only.

Where is love? How are we at that? 1 John is pestering me because I am not good at love...the love each other commandment ... We have to love each other...if we don't we cannot call ourselves children of God no matter how right we think we are about anything.
Love trumps everything...the right to be right, more right, better right, theologically right, fundamentally right, biblically right, denominationally right, politically right, educationally right, materially right, racially right, culturally right, historically right, constitutionally right.
Trust me, after writing right so many times...it has lost its meaning.
Love doesn't.

The Play Button

The berry's are coming...all of them at the moment at the same time. Strawberries, raspberries and even the blueberries. It really is a lovely delicious time here in the PNW.  All the young folk are working, nice thing about living in a rural community, there is work for the teens.
I'm on pause at the moment.
Scott is home and not working. This is hard for a lot of reasons but he isn't one to sit still.  Mijo is working and loving on people...she is seldom home if she can help it. Nick is working in the berry's and is home to sleep. We just found out that his leaving this Fall is postponed for 6 months so we are trying to figure out the next immediate step for him.
I'm on pause.
At Costco the other day, the cart rolled over my toe...so literally, I can hardly move.
I'm on pause.
I don't do well on pause, I lose perspective. I feel every ache and pain. I auger in on things that should be left well enough alone. I muse and ponder. I withdraw. Pause isn't good for me.

I am looking for the play button.

A hard necessary mission

Look close enough in Creation anywhere and you will find echos and shadows of the Creator's love for beauty. Jesus points us there in his walk about here on earth but probably not in the places you would think. We don't ever read about Jesus gazing at the beauty of a sunset or marveling at the intricacies of a gnarled olive tree. If Jesus was taking pictures of what He thought was the best of creation and the beauty of His handiwork...always people, always people. 
I know He enjoys His creation...and the beauty and color and composition and nuance of design...but it was people, broken, stinky, sick, malformed, bitter, angry, funny looking, volatile people He wanted to be with.
I live in a really beautiful corner of the world. It is pretty magnificent with snow capped mountain, oceans, rivers and tall spectacular trees. We collectively  don't take it for granted and we imbibe in its beauty as often as we can. More often then not I have heard people say that they feel closest to God when they are out in His creation. I am sure , they don't mean people. Maybe being with people is where God should be most understood.
I think that the driving motivation of Gods kingdom is restoring, rebuilding, cherishing, establishing relationships with him and with others, period...that is it...all it is...all the time.
I think the driving motivation for the  anti-god is breaking, tearing away, isolating, using and abusing relationships...all the time.
You want to know what God wants you to do with your life...what He did/does with  His; healing, establishing, building, mending, strengthening relationships. It is in building communities , being inclusive not exclusive, forgiving, serving, showing hospitality.
If you are an introvert, it is stretching your comfort zone and making the initiative.
If you are an extrovert, it is listening more and seeking the other into your circle of friends.

For this introverted soul it is a hard , necessary  mission.

A little road trip

14 hours to Billings. 1 dead deer, 1 crunched ford fiesta. Left on Wednesday afternoon and arrived on Thursday afternoon with a hotel stay in the middle. 
8 hours to Saskatoon on Friday morning. Green rolling hills of Montana, miles and miles and miles of green grass land in the Saskachewen prairies.
8 hours back to Billing on Sunday...miles and miles of GRAND landscapes the other direction.
14 hours back to Lynden on Monday.
44 hours in a vehicle to see the people I love, priceless.