Memorial Monday on Tuesday: Losing our way

When God says He will lead the blind in a Way that they do not know and in paths that they have not known...is He talking metaphorically or literally?  Is. 42:16

Lately, I can't seem to find my way out of this sense that I am not where I am supposed to be. It is a unsettling. I am not restless, I am unsettled.

I am parked but lost a little. It may be the season of life, when everyone in my life is twirling in all different directions. Or, that the days ahead are less then the days behind and I feel like I haven't lived well, or at least fully.

Maybe, I just need the sea for I have done the sweat and the tears. 

It was Memorial Monday yesterday...having Scott in the National Guard and Nick as a Marine, I am praying that this day is never so personal.

Monday on Tuesday: But you said 'No".

So I ask, what will save me what will make me strong?

My limping Hip was pronounced in the last few days as I struggled with God. I was doing my Jacob again  with God on the river banks.

 Every day when possible I walk by our local river, lately running with our dogs Mocha and Chino.  I take this time to pray out loud. Lately as I have worked on my running form, I have been silent. Waiting
It is my where I do my Jacob, I wrestle with God.

The Holocaust is my pivot away from the goodness of God, for in those stories, that evil, that window into the heart of man and the Silence of God I waver in my faith. I cling to what I know of His goodness for the absence of God makes me so afraid. 

I stand in your Holy Throne room
   and tremble in fear and awe
I come anyway not because you are safe
I am still afraid
    mostly of your silence in the face of evil
I come anyway not because you will do what I ask
    for you do not
I come by your invitation, not my absurd idea that I have any righteousness
    or any right
I am not alone when I stand before you
Never alone

Is. 30
Returning and resting will save me
Calmness and Confidence will make me strong
But I said no....

Yet, the Lord is  waiting to show me favor..

Waiting

I will say yes

A moment on Monday: I willl again...

I have been sitting in the book of Isaiah for awhile and there are surprises and truths sprinkled in the strangest places. I know the rules of hermeneutics and sound interpretation, yet I think that wordings and phrases can pierce through as if that set of words were written just for me on this day. I don't use them as a holy tea reading, point and accept kind of methodology. Yet...I do believe that the Spirit of the living God infuses His word with moments for the day.

Isaiah 29: 14 ...Therefore, behold, I will again do wonderful things with this people, with wonder upon wonder...

I will again, what lovely words those are.  The Love affair that God has with his people is brutal.  His love affair with me is the same. He comes, I leave. He urges, I turn away. He calls, I ignore.
He will again do wonderful things, He will again...
If I treated my husband the same way I treat my God.. I don't want to think about it.  It isn't about shame, it is about longing. His longing for me that I always forget in the equation. 

It is the hard truth about faith...to believe that longing for me is true.  He is the groom waiting. I have no idea why He loved/loves those children of Israel, I guess if He can them, He can me. They seem a bit more difficult to love.
 Hee hee, that is funny I love that Again and Again and Again He will do wonderful things with this person; this hard to love, difficult , stubborn person.

A Monday in May

A colleague asked me if I had ever thought I would be a part of a military family.
No, I did not choose Scott with this in mind nor 13 years down the road did I think I would become a spouse of a deployed guardsmen.  My wonderful husband who I trust, lean on and rejoice in will be absent from me for a year starting January 2016. I will be that spouse waiting, while he is that spouse serving.  Of course, things can change...they can not go, Scott can get disqualified etc. but for now that is the road before us.

When we returned from Papua a few years back, he missed a deployment then and that is a good thing. I was not ready to trust God. I would have thought back then, if I made myself sick with anxiety and stress,  of course,  God would make it better and change the circumstances.  Because like any 2 year old, I could hold my breath long enough and flail around long enough to get my way...right? 

 I think when God tells us not to be afraid, He is really telling us
Stop thinking we can control everything by worry. 
When He says be anxious for nothing, He is saying
Stop holding your breath dear...I know better.  I've. Got. This. 

'This' being what I am afraid of; losing, death, loneliness, distance, change in him, change in me and on and on it goes. 

For YOUR steadfast love IS before my eyes,
AND I will WALK in YOUR faithfulness.

When do I stop holding my breath and start holding His Hand?

 Today is a good day.