Single parents need a tribe: Part 2

My last post was parenting advice under 'normal' situations. What happens when you are in a situation where you are parenting single?

Since I did this for a season and parented under a situation where having a good marriage was a MAJOR work in progress...I understand this about single parenting. 

* you can be or are a most excellent parent.
* you have to work really hard at the simple things
* no one has your back
* you feel really alone and UN-prepared
* the double parents don't get it
* the church doesn't get it
* it is really hard

If you can move by your parents, your family...do it because Uncles and Aunts, Grandparent's make all the difference. If you are tribe-less, adopt a tribe from your church. Unfortunately you may have to initiate because  tribes are exclusive by nature, you have to push your way into a new one, create one or go back to one. 

If you belong to a big tribe, look around and see who else you can include.

If we belong to a big family group that is healthy and fun and strong...we unfortunately become more exclusive in fear that having someone come in will disrupt what makes our tribe function.  This is a shame, because it is this very group that should be most inclusive. It is the healthiest.

It takes tribes to work in tandem with other tribes to create healthy communities and specifically healthy churches and healthy parents.

Tribalism: loyalty to a tribe or other social group especially when combined with strong negative feelings for people outside the group  is usually what happens.

The church needs to figure this out...being a tribe where we belong to each other but not morphing to an ism.  Being an inclusive tribe cancels the ism.

That's my advice on parenting...
Next...our adventure to China starting 6/21 !

THE BEST parenting advice EVER!

 First of all, I have been wanting to write this for awhile. Everyone seems to be giving parents advice these days...thing to remember, the 10 most important things etc. I am going to join the fray but maybe with my little bit of back ground I may have some credibility.
I have parented under difficult circumstance: with an alcoholic, being food-stamp poor, homeless without family.
I have been widowed with 2 young young kids, single parented sent kids off to daycare and started dating.
I then married a wonderful man who became a step father, working through blended family issues.
I have worked full time  outside the home.
I have also worked with teenagers for the last 20 years. I may know some things about what works and what does not. NO Expert, none of us really can be...because our families are unique. BUT...there are some things I would like to say out loud on this matter. 
So here it goes...some things I wish for you to know as you parent in  the stages.

#1.  Tinies and Littles. Yes, the time goes fast, YES they are cuter then cute, YES, they are exhausting and YES, everyone will tell you that.  I was always afraid that once that stage was done, I would lose interest in all the other stages.
Every stage has its awful, its wonderful and its transitions hellishness. You can be sure that one day when it is the most awful some older lady will look into your weary eyes and tell you  to cherish the moment...they go by so fast. AND you ARE THINKING...not fast enough! 
It is common, these ladies ( I am of that age) have very selective memory.

REMEMBER:  Most things can be cured by a nap. Figure out what works for you and work it for you. REALLY, ask and watch what others do, they may have an easier way...try it! There is not a perfect system.  Parenting little people has been done before by many people, you are not the first. FB is ok for posting, phone calls are better for specific. Look around, whose kids do you like? Ask those parents.
The details of this age group are mind numbing...remember it's you they need. your face, your smell, your presence, your laughter. your boobs OR bottle.

What I would have done differently...not cared what everyone else was doing. A template is good for sanity.

#2. Tweens and Teens

I have been working with teenagers for 20 years already.  I was a youth pastor and now work in a High school with teenagers. I realize I have jumped a whole age group, but most of what I will say applies.  I have taught HS seniors a family Psychology class which by its nature delves into how we do family here in the US and over the years I have gleaned some insight.

* The worse thing that can happen to your child is that they no longer want to have a relationship with you. It isn't how they mess up, its how you will when they do.
*The most Toxic parent is the one who thinks they can control the outcome. When you want to control, you think you are God. If you follow God in your desire to control, they will reject not only you but the God you are following.
* Mom's if you are controlling and Dad's you have given up...your kids are not doing well and neither is your marriage.
* If you want your kids to follow Jesus, have a good marriage. If you want your kids to become independent, have a good marriage. If you want to show your kids spiritual leadership, have a good marriage. If you want to be the man of the house, love the woman of the house.
*Mom's if all you think about is your kids and their success...your marriage may not be one. 
* If as parents you have never asked your kids forgiveness for how terribly you screwed  up as a parent for  a lot of things your have said, not said or done. WHY the hell not? If you don't , why should they?
Say it all this way...it makes sense.
I am sorry for  ...................................
it was wrong because  __________________
In the future I will.............................
Will you forgive  me.

THE most IMPORTANT PARENTING ADVICE, it is the most difficult to work on. 

A  GOOD MARRIAGE

It is the center of whatever wheel your family turns on.

I know this is a departure for what I usually write but realized the other day...I know about parenting being in my job...maybe it will be helpful. To be hones thought, those who are willing to change usually are good parents to begin with.  Those who don't, aren't.
I do not speak from a place of perfection..I do speak from experience. On this day...Scott and I are doing well, I am so grateful that we both work hard at this. Mijo and Nick are both pursuing whatever majors I had nothing to do with...we all love each other anyway.

Cracking up, cracking in.

We ( Scott and I)  are going to China in about a week. We are not traveling there by train but will be traveling in country by their famous bullet trains. I am so excited and so nervous and then of course full of anxiety because I am flying there.  As you may know by now, I do not travel well and went to the doctor yesterday to get me some strong anti anxiety pills. The first I have gone to such lengths to help me in the journey. 

It is a work/vacation where I hope to make contact with families of students, students and maybe even some schools.  I have never traveled to China...I hope it will help me understand that amazing giant of a country that has played a role in everyone's history. 

 

I read about a person who traveled a lot by plane and was probably about as afraid of flying as I am. What I loved about his post is not how afraid he is but how brave he felt every time he flew.  I don't often get to face my fears willingly as I do when I fly. If I want the benefit of travel then I pay the cost of fear. It is a comparable exchange of emotions. I earn the joy of a new place through  the pain of a familiar fear. It is always worth it, it is always emotionally exhausting.

The window above is from Alcatraz. It a window adjacent to a row of cells, not quite low enough to see outside but big enough to let in the light. A window frame of what was, what is and what may be but just out of reach. There was a beauty in the intricacies of the bars, bars that really were not necessary... it is an island. I see fear the same way. It is a window into what and who we trust.  The bars of fear are unnecessary because we put them there ourselves.  Fears isolates and imprisons, creating an island of what could be but isn't. I will wrestle these bars in a few days. I will long for freedom and negotiate with the Almighty for good weather and calm flights.  I will also take some medicine, that's the sunlight.

I am so cracked. Oh Father, let the light in !

Monday memories: graduation

One year ago...my last was graduating.  In  one of those time warp kind of things, a year has blown by and I am closing up another year of teaching and preparing for the summer. How is it that life goes so fast?  I was sure that this year would slow down as I did not have skin the in the game.
It did not.

3 years ago, this one was leaving the nest and just like that , she is 20 and finished with 2 years of college after 1 year at Capernwray.  I spoke at that graduation, I do believe it was just yesterday.

I don't want to live looking in the rear view mirror. If I did, I would miss what is coming. I am not nostalgic for those days, I love who these two are becoming. I'm just afraid that  before I know it, I will not be relevant, current or necessary.  As much as I think teaching is a vocation for the ages, there comes a time when my age alienates me from conversations.  Not yet, but maybe sooner then I realize.

The rhythm of the school years lends itself to reflection. We are at the crossroads of students making BIG steps forward; excited, scared and ready.  We take 3 months to get ready to cycle through the next batch. Hopeful that we will also be excited  to begin another year, scared that we will forget that this is such a fragile time and ready to walk them through.

Next Monday I'm on summer time... yes, yes and yes.