The drum beat of war

"War is a red horse, bloody and cruel making life insufferable and horrid". E. Peterson

It's the unease that we feel that erodes our belief that everything will be OK.  The survivors of Sandy hook have hardly buried their little ones when the eyes of our corporate selves are riveted on another disaster. We wait not ever patiently for the answer of who was it, why did they and what now. We are being dragged from sorrow to sorrow in the seeming every increasing drumbeat of war. James calls it the war inside of us...we want something we can't get it...the worse of humanity displayed for all of humanity.
We work so hard to keep ourselves safe from the evil that rages. There isn't a life that is not touched with that stain.
If we shut off the screens can we live in oblivion? Is it the ability to know and see the pain that makes our worlds so small and danger so near?  We hear those drums because we know it doesn't matter anymore where you live as to how safe you can be. I have heard it in every interview at every tragedy..."we didn't think anything like this could happen here!"

We wonder the same things...we rage against the same evil...we stand useless in its aftermath.
But...

God, has a body....He has hands and feet and a mouth and a heart. We need to stop fighting each other...start fighting in the real war. 
Every bomber, every shooter if  they lived here in the US  was a neighbor in a community with a church.
Do not misunderstand, we are not responsible for the actions of a madman...I am just communicating that in our neighborhoods there are broken people who need to feel the arms of a God who has a body. We need each other, in community to stand against the evil that breaks and blows up and shoots down. We need each other to hope...because when we are with each other...God uses His body to heal, to mend broken hearts, to mourn, to rejoice...to fight another day.

a taste of a great read....read more if you have time.

Why doesn’t God just heal? He does heal, but slowly. Why? God loves each person so much He does not root all that is wrong immediately. If He did, then the structure of our being; body, soul, and spirit, would collapse. We would be mere rubble. Instead, he invites us to be transformed by renewal.
Our physical renewal begins in aging, moves through death, into life. We can, justly, put of this process, but not stop it, because the problems in our physical nature run too deep for superficial cures.
The same applies to our minds and souls. We can be saved, and once saved our healing can begin, but only begin. The problem is too deep for quick cures. You can “pray away” the problems, but only over long periods of time and with great suffering. The final cure, the severe mercy to heal our broken state, is death. We are judged by Christ’s merits, die with Him, and then come to new life.

 http://www.patheos.com/blogs/philosophicalfragments/2013/04/09/my-son-my-son-on-the-death-of-a-child/

Spring resurrection

Intense...that is what my days have been in the last few months. Dealing with issues within and without. I am finding  myself listening to stories of pain and dealing alongside those who in my realm of influence who are just plain angry. Intense...

At the same time Scotty is away working hard like a farmer at harvest. I am alone many a evening pondering the best next step. I have also been figuring out what it is I need in my own personal life to fall back into step with the Redeemer.

Redemption is always our story but this resurrection season, I am not looking for redemption  as much as I need Resurrection.  I need to be made alive again...for it seems I have been nestling in death.

Wrapped as if in the tunic of death, wrapped tight in the confines of my own limitations and expectations.  I am waiting to hear him say..."Heidi, come forth!" Like Lazarus I will emerge into bright life having death fall away from me.

This is my Hope this Resurrection season.

Why the winding road?

There are several things that irritate me about myself and one of those things is that I can't let it go. I have to mull, think over, analyze, ponder, muse every thought that passes through my head. I end up being far away from where I need to be and always less sure of what I was sure of before I began.
Enough already ...

Lent

Can I give up going to church for Lent?  Would that be wrong...

Yes, it has been that long

It is already the middle for the month of February and crazy is understated in its description. I think it has been busy for many, but because my head was down and moving forward I did not look around to see what others were doing.  Life is funny like that...The more busy one becomes the more myopic the view, the more insular the perspective and the more lonely one  feels. Being busy even when not in your control...steals more than it delivers. What fascinates me is when being busy is chosen deliberately...as if being myopic, insular and lonely is the desired result.  Beign busy makes us feel important and necesary and relevant.. even though that is the intention it isn't the reality.
I really hate being busy...I hate not having down time, and lazy afternoons and evening full of meanderings in and out of the living room. Sometimes I can't choose the calendar events due to the requirements of my job but it has taken me a week to sleep well through the night, have my neck un spasm and have my legs not seize up on me while I am sitting down. 
As I wind down, Scotty is winding up. We call it the harvest time refinery style. He will be working 6 nights in a row, 10-12 hour days for about 6-8 weeks. He is also living on his own in a place close to the refinery so that he can sleep, eat and work without the interruptions of living in a family. He is harvesting...it is seasonal. In mid-April we should be back to 'normal'.
Choose well your 'busy' time...make it seasonal and temporary...long term unnecessary busy damages more then you can know. Just an FYI.

eating free

Since November I have been trying to change my diet so that I eat less carbohydrates. It really isn't that hard now and I have no idea if I am feeling better as I had felt good prior. I am turning 50 this year and I know as I have been told by many who have gone before that maintaining anything will be nigh impossible unless I am intentional about being intentional about my eating. I do love bread and any kind of potato but oh well.

So, I have been careful and diligent and all that wonderful discipline stuff that comes easy to some in my family (Scott).  On Friday night we watched a movie about the end of the world and in one scene a woman was saying that she was eating everything she wanted because the world was going to end...Made me think...How fun would that be, eating everything with no consequence.

Sunday we went to a restaurant in Anacortes and the only thing on the menu that seemed OK was this plate that had in its title...Mac & Cheese . I read eggs and bacon and spinach. Eggs, bacon and spinach doesn't have a lot of carbs...Mac and Cheese though...does.  Funny, how I overlooked the simple words, Mac& cheese.
As he placed this plate in front of me I gasped. There in all its yummy pre-apocalyptic comfort food wonder was  Mac & Cheese, with 2 fried eggs on top sitting on a bed of bacon . There was some green but more color then taste.  WOW...was it every GOOD. As I ate the first bite...I sat in wonder at how great it would be if there were no consequence to this plate of anti-healthy. The second bite was even better then the first...full of crunchy bacon, egg and cheesy macaroni. About the 6th bite...it wasn't tasting as wonderful...and then I just stopped eating. Scott asked me if I didn't like it...
" No, it is really very very good...I just have worked so hard these past few months that even though this is just one plate of food...the pleasure of the temporary taste does not outweigh the effort it has taken to get to this place where it wasn't missed."  The ability to pack it up and give it to my calorie burning son was a great victory for me....YES...food's pleasure does not win over my desire to be healthy. The meteor is not coming, I have not been given a pass to treat my concerted effort over these past months with something so deliberately bad for me.

Small victory in the long road before me....