Spring resurrection

Intense...that is what my days have been in the last few months. Dealing with issues within and without. I am finding  myself listening to stories of pain and dealing alongside those who in my realm of influence who are just plain angry. Intense...

At the same time Scotty is away working hard like a farmer at harvest. I am alone many a evening pondering the best next step. I have also been figuring out what it is I need in my own personal life to fall back into step with the Redeemer.

Redemption is always our story but this resurrection season, I am not looking for redemption  as much as I need Resurrection.  I need to be made alive again...for it seems I have been nestling in death.

Wrapped as if in the tunic of death, wrapped tight in the confines of my own limitations and expectations.  I am waiting to hear him say..."Heidi, come forth!" Like Lazarus I will emerge into bright life having death fall away from me.

This is my Hope this Resurrection season.

Why the winding road?

There are several things that irritate me about myself and one of those things is that I can't let it go. I have to mull, think over, analyze, ponder, muse every thought that passes through my head. I end up being far away from where I need to be and always less sure of what I was sure of before I began.
Enough already ...

Lent

Can I give up going to church for Lent?  Would that be wrong...

Yes, it has been that long

It is already the middle for the month of February and crazy is understated in its description. I think it has been busy for many, but because my head was down and moving forward I did not look around to see what others were doing.  Life is funny like that...The more busy one becomes the more myopic the view, the more insular the perspective and the more lonely one  feels. Being busy even when not in your control...steals more than it delivers. What fascinates me is when being busy is chosen deliberately...as if being myopic, insular and lonely is the desired result.  Beign busy makes us feel important and necesary and relevant.. even though that is the intention it isn't the reality.
I really hate being busy...I hate not having down time, and lazy afternoons and evening full of meanderings in and out of the living room. Sometimes I can't choose the calendar events due to the requirements of my job but it has taken me a week to sleep well through the night, have my neck un spasm and have my legs not seize up on me while I am sitting down. 
As I wind down, Scotty is winding up. We call it the harvest time refinery style. He will be working 6 nights in a row, 10-12 hour days for about 6-8 weeks. He is also living on his own in a place close to the refinery so that he can sleep, eat and work without the interruptions of living in a family. He is harvesting...it is seasonal. In mid-April we should be back to 'normal'.
Choose well your 'busy' time...make it seasonal and temporary...long term unnecessary busy damages more then you can know. Just an FYI.

eating free

Since November I have been trying to change my diet so that I eat less carbohydrates. It really isn't that hard now and I have no idea if I am feeling better as I had felt good prior. I am turning 50 this year and I know as I have been told by many who have gone before that maintaining anything will be nigh impossible unless I am intentional about being intentional about my eating. I do love bread and any kind of potato but oh well.

So, I have been careful and diligent and all that wonderful discipline stuff that comes easy to some in my family (Scott).  On Friday night we watched a movie about the end of the world and in one scene a woman was saying that she was eating everything she wanted because the world was going to end...Made me think...How fun would that be, eating everything with no consequence.

Sunday we went to a restaurant in Anacortes and the only thing on the menu that seemed OK was this plate that had in its title...Mac & Cheese . I read eggs and bacon and spinach. Eggs, bacon and spinach doesn't have a lot of carbs...Mac and Cheese though...does.  Funny, how I overlooked the simple words, Mac& cheese.
As he placed this plate in front of me I gasped. There in all its yummy pre-apocalyptic comfort food wonder was  Mac & Cheese, with 2 fried eggs on top sitting on a bed of bacon . There was some green but more color then taste.  WOW...was it every GOOD. As I ate the first bite...I sat in wonder at how great it would be if there were no consequence to this plate of anti-healthy. The second bite was even better then the first...full of crunchy bacon, egg and cheesy macaroni. About the 6th bite...it wasn't tasting as wonderful...and then I just stopped eating. Scott asked me if I didn't like it...
" No, it is really very very good...I just have worked so hard these past few months that even though this is just one plate of food...the pleasure of the temporary taste does not outweigh the effort it has taken to get to this place where it wasn't missed."  The ability to pack it up and give it to my calorie burning son was a great victory for me....YES...food's pleasure does not win over my desire to be healthy. The meteor is not coming, I have not been given a pass to treat my concerted effort over these past months with something so deliberately bad for me.

Small victory in the long road before me....

Within..

Once, having been asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, Jesus replied, "The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation,  nor will people say, 'Here it is,' or 'There it is,' because the kingdom of God is within you." Luke 17

I pray the Lords prayer often for the simple reason that often times I have no idea how or what to pray.  It is my template to work from, to work around, to work through.  These days I am praying the Lords prayer often because I have no idea how to pray for all that is going on around me. 
Our Father...Thy kingdom come and Thy will be done...here like it is there. 
Funny, in Luke, Jesus tells us that it isn't a matter of here or there but within. The kingdom of God is within you...His will is within you...I know what the pharisees were asking...they wanted to know when the physical rule of God would come. When would the physical rule of God come and make all things right...
Lately, it seems that God's physical rule is the only thing that will work anywhere. The idea that the Kingdom of God is within me does not give me comfort because I can't seem to make anything right.  I can't erase the bad, the ruined, the destroyed, the wounded, the broken. 
Yet...as plain as day Jesus says to me, the Kingdom of God is within you. So does that mean when I pray Thy Kingdom come, I am asking for His will to be done through me not in spite of me or through others? That He limits Himself again to the outworking of His kingdom through the cracked and broken vessel called Heidi, or George, or Harold, or Jane etc. 
 Boy, I wish He didn't or wouldn't...I would rather He take it upon Himself to work outside all of us because we are soooooo not doing any of His kingdom good enough. 

So, practically speaking..today I need to live out His Kingdom that dwells within. 
How do I do that?
Kind words...practically speaking.

Purses

33Sell what you own. Give to those who are poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out. Put away riches in heaven that will not be used up. There, no thief can come near it. There, no moth can destroy it.

 

34Your heart will be where your riches are.  In this section of Luke 12 , Jesus says a lot of things we would rather ignore. Things like not to worry, sell what we own, he did not come to earth to bring peace...which seems in contradiction to the Angels song at Christmas. Little nuggets like what we say in secret will be proclaimed from the mountain top, he comes to bring fire to this earth...persecution and pain and ...get a good purse. I love purses, maybe that is why this verse speaks to me. Of course it speaks to me because it says what I want to hear. If I love purses...Jesus is telling me to provide myself with what I love.  What I carry in my purse is a bit like an emergency kit...it is a 'what if ' kind of purse. What if I find myself in a once in life time situation...I will have something in my purse to carry the day. Like our shoes and our hair...purses proclaim to the world in a oh so subtle way what we want to project about ourselves. A non-verbal expression of our very personalities. The bigger , the more prepared..or the pain in the shoulder.    BUT..Why would Jesus after telling everyone to get rid of everything then tell them to make sure they have purses that will not wear out?  Wouldn't the purses be that very thing that carries our treasures?  The treasure that is supposed to be somewhere less permanent?  Here they are to have purses but a few passages before, they weren't allowed to carry purses. These 'purses' the men carried was for their money...they were the original wallets. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? I think it is the same reason we carry small purses when we know we have errands to run. Jesus speaks in parables to confuse, he speaks clearly to convict, he speaks tenderly to comfort and sometimes he speaks practically to calm.  I think the latter is what he is saying. Maybe something like..."Stuff, money and things are a spiders web that will entangle you and give you a false confidence. You will keep thinking that the more you have the safer you will be and I am telling you the opposite is true. Carry what you need...because for all practicalities, people need to be paid for the necessities. But in this small but tough purse carry what you need to do what I ask. The bigger the purse does not mean the better prepared but the more encumbered. Careful the spiderweb of imagined need or imagined confidence. Riches are bigger than any purse can carry...so let your treasures be unconfined and your necessary money where it belongs, in a simple bag." When I am running errands...I carry my wallet and phone. It keeps me focused on the task at hand, unencumbered. If I am in need...I call/pray.