Memorial Monday on Tuesday: Losing our way

When God says He will lead the blind in a Way that they do not know and in paths that they have not known...is He talking metaphorically or literally?  Is. 42:16

Lately, I can't seem to find my way out of this sense that I am not where I am supposed to be. It is a unsettling. I am not restless, I am unsettled.

I am parked but lost a little. It may be the season of life, when everyone in my life is twirling in all different directions. Or, that the days ahead are less then the days behind and I feel like I haven't lived well, or at least fully.

Maybe, I just need the sea for I have done the sweat and the tears. 

It was Memorial Monday yesterday...having Scott in the National Guard and Nick as a Marine, I am praying that this day is never so personal.

Monday on Tuesday: But you said 'No".

So I ask, what will save me what will make me strong?

My limping Hip was pronounced in the last few days as I struggled with God. I was doing my Jacob again  with God on the river banks.

 Every day when possible I walk by our local river, lately running with our dogs Mocha and Chino.  I take this time to pray out loud. Lately as I have worked on my running form, I have been silent. Waiting
It is my where I do my Jacob, I wrestle with God.

The Holocaust is my pivot away from the goodness of God, for in those stories, that evil, that window into the heart of man and the Silence of God I waver in my faith. I cling to what I know of His goodness for the absence of God makes me so afraid. 

I stand in your Holy Throne room
   and tremble in fear and awe
I come anyway not because you are safe
I am still afraid
    mostly of your silence in the face of evil
I come anyway not because you will do what I ask
    for you do not
I come by your invitation, not my absurd idea that I have any righteousness
    or any right
I am not alone when I stand before you
Never alone

Is. 30
Returning and resting will save me
Calmness and Confidence will make me strong
But I said no....

Yet, the Lord is  waiting to show me favor..

Waiting

I will say yes

A moment on Monday: I willl again...

I have been sitting in the book of Isaiah for awhile and there are surprises and truths sprinkled in the strangest places. I know the rules of hermeneutics and sound interpretation, yet I think that wordings and phrases can pierce through as if that set of words were written just for me on this day. I don't use them as a holy tea reading, point and accept kind of methodology. Yet...I do believe that the Spirit of the living God infuses His word with moments for the day.

Isaiah 29: 14 ...Therefore, behold, I will again do wonderful things with this people, with wonder upon wonder...

I will again, what lovely words those are.  The Love affair that God has with his people is brutal.  His love affair with me is the same. He comes, I leave. He urges, I turn away. He calls, I ignore.
He will again do wonderful things, He will again...
If I treated my husband the same way I treat my God.. I don't want to think about it.  It isn't about shame, it is about longing. His longing for me that I always forget in the equation. 

It is the hard truth about faith...to believe that longing for me is true.  He is the groom waiting. I have no idea why He loved/loves those children of Israel, I guess if He can them, He can me. They seem a bit more difficult to love.
 Hee hee, that is funny I love that Again and Again and Again He will do wonderful things with this person; this hard to love, difficult , stubborn person.

A Monday in May

A colleague asked me if I had ever thought I would be a part of a military family.
No, I did not choose Scott with this in mind nor 13 years down the road did I think I would become a spouse of a deployed guardsmen.  My wonderful husband who I trust, lean on and rejoice in will be absent from me for a year starting January 2016. I will be that spouse waiting, while he is that spouse serving.  Of course, things can change...they can not go, Scott can get disqualified etc. but for now that is the road before us.

When we returned from Papua a few years back, he missed a deployment then and that is a good thing. I was not ready to trust God. I would have thought back then, if I made myself sick with anxiety and stress,  of course,  God would make it better and change the circumstances.  Because like any 2 year old, I could hold my breath long enough and flail around long enough to get my way...right? 

 I think when God tells us not to be afraid, He is really telling us
Stop thinking we can control everything by worry. 
When He says be anxious for nothing, He is saying
Stop holding your breath dear...I know better.  I've. Got. This. 

'This' being what I am afraid of; losing, death, loneliness, distance, change in him, change in me and on and on it goes. 

For YOUR steadfast love IS before my eyes,
AND I will WALK in YOUR faithfulness.

When do I stop holding my breath and start holding His Hand?

 Today is a good day.

Monday Musings: Starting again...again.

Yes, it has been awhile
I have lived in  vacant spaces for a few months
It has not been healthy
It has been unproductive

Writing is a creative outlet for me
Being creative is a sign of living
I need to thrive, again
I need to write


I am going to try and write every Monday. For sure at least once a week but if something happens or a random thought is caught in the passing wind, it will be more often. They may be random topics, but mostly, I think, it will be about being a woman of this uncertain age, coming to an understanding.
It is not inconsequential that at this time of our lives, we have the most to say but have the quietest voice on the stage of our culture.
 I am not a fan so I will be loud on my own little stage...be loud with me. 

We are all captive

And ransom captive Israel....

I was thinking long and hard about being a prisoner. What it means to be captive beyond the physical bars. I was thinking about what lies I have believed, lived in and trusted that inevitable make me captive. If truth sets free, then lies make captive.

Our culture is captivated or makes itself captive...by power, beauty, wealth, security and freedom.  All of these principals can be neutral until they are made into idols. We reflect what we worship.
One of the lies that I have believed is that my value as a human being is wrapped up in how I appear. So this lie has permeated how I feel about getting older, how I react to becoming marginalized, if and when I gain weight, how much I exercise, how my clothes fit, when and if I can eat and how I am compared to those around me.
I read this the other day and it rings so true for those who wrestle with body image, eating disorders and self loathing issues. 


Food is my enemy as it is my addiction
exercise is my tormentor
clothes are my chains and
comparison is my currency of value

Our isolation cells are just that.
So the truth is
My body is the holy temple of the Holy Spirit.
I am not to worry what I should wear
Beauty is deceptive and charm is vain
Food is for the stomach, it is to be enjoyed
My mind is to be transformed from this culture..the mold where I cradle our 'truths' needs to be     broken and my mind needs to be renewed.
I am precious in the sight of the Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth.

How this truth will set me free, is my every day prayer. Mindfulness and meditation will break the bars of molded lies that have wrapped around me a suffocating isolation and loathing.
NO MORE , I long to be free.
And you...what lies  strangle your joy and hold you captive?

O Come O Come...Advent

And ransome captive Israel, who mourns in lowly exile here until the Son of God appear..

REJOICE, REJOICE

It is in the waiting that  we understand hope. It is in the hoping we figure out Faith. It is in Faith that we love and it is in love, we know God.

What a poignant song this song of advent.  A lament almost, a plea for relief . Come, please come and see me for where I am. Collectively we sing and long for the begining of somethign differnt because our reality is suffocating. O Come, please Come.

In that longing is a simple command..REJOICE, REJOICE, He Came.

I have been listening to Rikk Watts of Regent College in Vancouver,WA. His series on Life in God is changing the way I think about everything I have learned and understood. I listen while I run to distract me from...well, running.  There have been times when he has said something so profound that I sit on my yoga mat and just ponder how this truth will change my life.

One thing I am hearing will  make Christmas different this year. It is the fresh perspective of God being here. God as a baby: the most approachable human being on earth, is a baby.  Not a baby in a temple, or a mansion, or hospital, or a suburb ranch house, but a baby in a manger.

O come, O come so we can.

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home