The woman in the mirror...

All these pictures of me have been taken in this past year. Lately, looking in the mirror has caused me some concern. I don't know about you but as much as I wish it did not matter...it does. It matters way to much and that has been reflected in the money I have spent on hair color...make-up...clothes. I yearn...actually yearn for the promises made in the make-up aisle to be true. If only this cream would erase all those wrinkles, lighten those spots, brighten my eyes, whiten my teeth..erase, blend, hide, take away and make me young-ish again.

One of my ESL students told me to stop wrinkling my forehead when I was talking, he told me it would make my wrinkles there deeper.

I was sitting with a dear friend the other day and she said she had come to a decision in her life. She was watching her daughter try on a pair of shorts she had worn not too many years ago...she remembered how she freaked out at that time for the 10 pounds she had gained. Today, looking back she wishes she had just enjoyed how she looked rather then how she didn't. So she has decided that when she looks in the mirror today, she will be grateful because she could and may look a lot worse a few years down the road.

This is true for most of us...the best years for how we appear are most likely behind us. As I get older I wrestle with this conundrum. I am much more confident in who I am, what I think, what I know...so much less in how I appear. Where is that sweet spot? Where your confidence matches your appearance? Where one doesn't trump the other? Did it come and go without me even enjoying the moment?

Will I like the woman in the mirror and give her a break? Let her grow old, let her have grey hair and a wrinkled brow with humor and grace? Will I enjoy the freshness of the young without grieving my own losses? Ahh these intimate questions of self-worth. In this humorless society that glorifies beauty and minimises grace...how do I negotiate these waters? Will beauty shine through me even if I don't wear it on me?

When I see her, this woman in the mirror...we'll smile. Today...some of the creams are working, the grey almost looks like blond and if I don't wonder too much I won't wrinkle my forehead. We'll be OK and OK isn't bad.