Keep calm and carry on...

I found this quote on a journal at a bookstore. I buy a new journal every year with the idea that i will have enough profound thoughts to fill it up before the year comes to an end. Since I write here, most thoughts profound or otherwise don't quite make it to the journal. Out of habit I still do and this year the quote has become my mantra/motto/theme. This theme was based on an original WWII poster commissioned by the British Government Ministry of Information. It was mean to convey a sense of calm during uncertain times...and as we enter 2010 it seems to resonate again. I don't know how it is for you but for me and mine there is an uncertainty of what will happen in this coming year. After the accident 6 months ago I am so much more uncertain, fearful and fragile. When before I would anticipate the new, this year I am afraid of what may.
We begin this year with Scott going to Thailand for 3 weeks with the National Guard. Then he will be working in Tacoma if no work opens up here. This means he will be away from home from Sunday night till Thursday night. We have financial well as emotional hurdles to overcome and as uncertain as the times are I want to keep calm and carry on. I want the verse "may the God of hope fill us with joy and peace as we trust in Him, so that He may fill us with all hope through the power of the Holy Spirit" to be more then what we know but what we experience.
So this coming year if you wander it through with me, I hope to work this trust thing through. I really have no idea what will happen...but keeping calm and carrying on.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

From this day until the first has to be one of my favorite times of the year. Why you ask....PURGE....I get to purge the old year to prepare for the new year. We are going through all our belongings and see what we cannot use and give it away or throw it away. I LOVE this...there is something some therapeutic and cathartic about gleaning out the old year and preparing for the new....I will let you know how it all went. :)

Redemption

One of those things about my personality/strengths is that I look for connections in everything. It can be fun to do but often times if I can't articulate well enough it is hard to describe why I see a connection in random things and why that matters. This is done usually without even knowing it but lately as I have been inundated with seemingly random Christmas stories . I have been looking hard for the connection between a story like Rudolph and The Christmas Carol, Prancer and White Christmas, Miracle on 32/or 34th (can't remember which number) Street and It's a Wonderful Life. Every night on TV you can enter another re-creation of the Christmas Carol or a inane story about ....and here is the connection...redemption. Think about the stories...there is a broken situation...a realization of the broken-ness...a divine intervention...redemption. The divine intervention often comes in the form of 'Christmas magic', nevertheless there is restoration of relationships, a realization of what is important and poof....redemption IE: a made for TV Christmas special.
The irony in all of this is that in the birth of Jesus, there is no redemption YET. It is redemption at the start but not in its final draft. You have to have the story of the death and Resurrection to make the story of Christmas complete. Yet in the hoopla of this season, every story of redemption from the trivial of Elf to the profound of The Christmas Carol would not resonate if that wasn't all our desires. The desire of nations...this baby in the manger...redemption in swaddling cloths.

Santa Clause

Last night we were watching Miracle on 34th Street and I realized at the end of the movie how much I want God to be Santa Clause. Look...he is Just, the bad get what they deserve and the good get rewarded for good behavior, ever year not just at the end of time.
He gives you what you ask for...He is gentle and kind and never angry...We have had this image of Santa every year and I think every year we want God to be more and more like him. Our prayers become more like wish lists and when we get what we want we think it is a result of good behavior, or faithful prayer on our behalf. When the 'bad' people get caught or get ill, we silently think that God had it out for them and they got what they deserved.
I wonder if maybe we continue to encourage this idea when we share this holiday with Santa...slowly but surely God is morphed into a benevolent old man who listens to our list and gives us what we want if we are really really good.
Santa looks better in comparison to the Mysterious Almighty who comes as a weak baby in the middle of oppression and war. There is no nostalgic warmth, wintry snow flakes and cute little elves ... it is scary Angels, devouring dragons, evil Kings, meek Shepherds, pregnant teenagers, wandering wise men, smelly stables and a small village in a forgotten country far far away. That won't do for a Christmas card...Santa looks much better. A much better brand for the Christmas season.
BUT...the cosmic story is so much better. A present under the tree does not compare to freedom from guilt. Elves and the North Pole doesn't shine as brilliantly as the empty tomb. The benevolent old man giving us pretty trinkets doesn't carry the same weight as the simple words of Jesus when he said, let the little children come or you have to be like a child to get anything about me. I want what I want, He gives what I need. Santa is safe, God is Glorious.
Santa gives presents, God gives life. Santa smiles gently, God roars from the heavens and whispers in the wind.
I know, none of you thinks that there is any comparison but watch yourself and listen to how we talk about prayer and justice. Santa creeps in too often and not just in our children stories.
Better watch out...Santa is coming to a prayer near you.

Explaining The Story

As we entered into this season called Christmas it began to dawn on me that my Chinese students had absolutely no idea what Christmas was all about. So today I began to tell the story and realized you can't start in Bethlehem ... you have to start in Genesis. You have to explain the Roman Empire, Caesar and being Jewish. You have to describe what Angels may have looked like and that shepherds were afraid not because they looked like beautiful women but maybe because they looked a bit scary and large and maybe even fierce. You answer questions like; why did God choose Mary and why did they have to be in a stable with dirty animals? Mary must have been very sore and tired and large and uncomfortable. As I animated and explained they became engaged in this GREAT story. I never realized what a great story it is all by itself without the history of faith. Better with the history but as I finished with the wise men and the horrible deaths of the babies and the escape to Egypt one of the girls said in amazement...this is a great story you have to tell me more.
We need to remember this.. this is not only a great story, it is the first chapter of the best story ever....
If you have been reading my blogs lately you know there are several issues I am dealing with on a personal level having to do with the accident and its raminfications. Today as I saw the delight in the story, the questions and observations I realized in it all I have been given a most amazing gift. I told The Story for the first time to those who had never heard it before.

Mocha's visa

She is a funny animal. I was using this old visa for a book mark and had put it down as I read. Mocha is sneaky in that whatever she thinks is important and accessible she will attempt to procure. Then the game is on...she runs away, we chase and she is a happy happy dog. Her delight is our attention no matter what she has to do to get it. Lately, her MO is stealing whatever we have just used and is small enough to put in her mouth.

I gave her a chew bone the other day. Her very own 'Precious' and she has been very Gollum about it. If anyone walks in the room while the bone is near her she growls. If I walk towards her she growls, shakes, picks up her leg, lowers her stance and averts her eyes. Not too long ago she would have peed. She doesn't think it is quite as fun when we take from her what she wants, or delights in the give and take when it is her stuff. It is all fun and games when it is ours, it's all shakes and growls when it is hers.

We are so much better then a dog aren't we? Mocha wants everything ours, hers, theirs...in fun, in spite, in fear...she just wants it all.

Contentment...That would be the best Christmas Spirit EVER !

18%

I have no idea if you all do this but part of my relationship with God has to do with bargaining. If you will do this goes my prayer then I am supposed to do thaat. Such as...
If you help us with this then that means we have to do this...Direction Bargain
If I hear this song then I know you are thinking of me...Love Bargain etc. As I do it...I reprimand myself for the foolishness of it all but I do it anyway. It is the whole fleece thing which I know many many people do as they try and make sure that the direction they are going in is the direction they are supposed to be going in.
We have been waiting on the hospital to make a decision about the stack of money we owe them. It has been a six month process so there has been a lot of time to get really creative in the bargaining prayer department. It goes like this...So God, if you get them to forgive the whole debt then we will know for sure we are supposed to go on the mission field again. This is a win win for me...BUT then I think, well, I really want to be with Mijo as she finishes High school rather then send her to boarding school...so I have changed the request to ..If we get the debt forgiven we should stay here...Can you see how silly it all is to bargain with God about ANYTHING. I am so fickle and unsure and silly. Silly is a great word.
SO yesterday after all these bargaining prayers...the hospital comes back with, we will give you 18% off on your bill. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THAT ? I had to laugh which I did and have done quite often since. Nothing like a weird number to signify absolutely nothing.
So now what...what exactly am I trusting in God for...debt forgiveness, bank loan, ability to pay the bill without going into debt, FFA to take responsibility...I have no idea. I just smile at all the contortion I have gone through to get God to do what I want Him to do...like He is Santa Clause.
18% of the answer , I think it is 100% of what I needed. Life is always 18% of what we expect. A strange mixture of hope, dreams and reality all mixed together. God does not play games...He isn't a slot machine where all we have to do is put in the right prayer change and hope for the jack pot. I know He is not a formula to figure out...
This I have learned in this 18% answer to prayer.

Hope

May the God of Hope fill you with joy and peace as you trust in Him. (Rom. 15.13)
I have this thing for babies. I love to hold them for as long as the mother lets me. It is hard for me to think of Jesus as a baby. Babies...they are all about potential. What they will be doing rather then what they are doing. As babies ,we don't have to deal with anything but hope because the babies haven't disappointed yet...all they have done is come. Jesus is much easier to deal with as a baby but really not that easy to follow. Can't trust a baby with anything, can't depend on him, listen to him, or even emulate anything that he does. All you really can do with a baby is hold and love, feed and bath, change and burp. Christmas is like that baby...potential and hope.
Christmas is about the people around the baby...the mom and dad, the shepherds, the wisemen, the angels,their hopes and dreams, their trust. Good thing there is a trinity...because I can't begin to trust a baby.
May the God of hope fill you with joy and peace as you trust in Him. This is my Christmas verse...it is what is true and what is real. I need this verse to carve a beam of light in all the hoopla and business of this season. I am waiting for, looking at, hoping in...just like they did.

Christmas again...

It is that time of year when we turn our collective eyes and hearts to all things Holiday-ish. I come into the season a bit weary but nonetheless ready. This year our family's theme is Hope wherever we can find it and recognize it. So as my tradition I will be posting along that theme not only on advent Sundays but through-out the 25 days.

I have just finished reading a series of history books about the middle ages, Celts, Irish, Greeks and the early Jews. In this tapestry of information that I have ingested, the celebration of Christmas has certainly evolved over the years. One the more interesting items is that as much as we think that Christmas is being stolen from us by those non-religious...we started off the stealing it in the first place. We all know that Jesus was not born on the 25th of December and that this holiday of solstice was taken and redeemed by the early Catholic church. Many of the decorations we use today was used before for something pagan. I think it is a bit ironic how upset we get when people take Christ out of Christmas when we put Christ into Solstice in the first place. We made it Holy...but then we can make every day Holy.
It's really OK how anyone wants to celebrate this break in the winter doldrums. We need some light in these dark days. Re-placing the former with a better is a wonderful way to lighten up the dark nights. Why not make it Jesus' birthday, why not give meaning to presents and trees and garlands and food. But it isn't our holiday, we took it and remade it in our image. Today, even more so in the consumer laden, guilt giving , over-indulgence of a Western holiday gone amok.
Maybe we can relax about making sure everyone takes this holiday seriously... It is a huge undertaking and not really a fight we have been commanded to take. Now...Resurrection Sunday on the other hand...this is another story all-together. Let start by not calling it Easter.

Something Holy

Scott, Nick and I went on a long drive over the river and through the woods and over the mountains and through the snow and over the HUGE land mass of farm land in Alberta and Saskatchewan to surprise my Dad on his 80th. It was great and fun and wonderful as only they can do. Something happened on Friday that made me rethink what is Holy.
I don't know if you know Elfrieda, Elviera and Elsie but if you do ... they are pretty amazing ladies who have done pretty amazing things in their lifetime. They have gone overseas, as teachers and nurses, been loyal friends and tight sisters. They work hard, laugh often, love fiercely, pray deeply always unselfishly. I have had the privilege of knowing them all my life and I have always been the beneficiary of their knowledge, love and healing care.
Their older sister Anna is in a home that helps care for her since the accident. The accident that I wrote about almost 2 years ago. Before this accident Anna was in the middle of this trio, the only thing missing in her participation was that her name did not start with an E. She worked on quilts, puppets, gardening...constantly working with her hands on behalf of other. They were an amazing team of women...Anna would make, Elsie and Elviera would take what she made and would teach and organize ...
Now the three of the ladies go to Anna's home and love on her and if she is sleeping, love on every one else there. They come in with smiles and encouragement and warmth and love...Even if Anna is not sleeping and is attempting to eat in the dining room they walk around and hug, and talk and hold hands with the other residents. This is so much part of who they are...that I know they think of it as what any body would do. This is where they are wrong...there are not many like these women. Who so unselfishly day in and day out do a most Holy work.
Remember if you do this to the least of these you do it to Jesus. If they had nursing homes in Jesus day he would have said...when you came and visited me when I could not speak very well, when my mobility was so limited and I had become too old and hurt ... you came and brought me flowers. You fed me at lunch time so gently and carefully. You spoke the words of Psalm 23 so help me remember what I had always known. You brought me joy in your enthusiasm and love in your smile. That was me...
What they have done...what they are doing...Holy work and I am humbled by their examples. We get it wrong folks if we think what is done on the stage is what is Holy. This is where it happens in that small room, in that home in Warmen, Saskatchewan .

It's all good

Dog stole off the counter two of the three hagel boxes and tore open a cracker box looking for food. The basement has flooded and will flood again becuase of a window sill that is not quite sealed. My back is bothering me for some odd reason . It has been dark and rainy out for I don't know 2 weeks now YET , it's all good. I think it is the vitamin D I am taking every day....or I am loved. Maybe both...

Waffling

Here is the deal....I have not been a member of a church since lets say 10th grade. I have attended church, taught in church, tithed, etc. but have not seen reason to become a member of a church. I think we are members of The Church so being a member of a local church seems redundant. Scott and I are thinking of becoming members of the church we are attending and we have gone to the classes etc...now all we have to do is get in front of the church and say yes we do want to be members. Why is this so important? The church we have been attending is a local reformed church in walking distance from our house. This isn't saying much because if I stand on my roof I can count and see at least 8 churches in walking distance. The thing is ..I am not reformed. I like some things about the reformed church but not all.
I can say this about every flavor of church. I think of denominations as flavors of ice-cream. Fundamentally ice cream is made up of milk and sugar, then flavoring. So if the fundamentals are right (unlike the Mormon stake which uses soy milk) it is really what flavor you like. So to stand up and say to all...I like this flavor better then all the other flavors would be silly...I like a lot of different flavors and some...I don't like at all. Why can't I just say..I love Ice Cream and at this time, I like this flavor well enough but not exclusively. Every one gets so caught up in making sure everyone likes their flavor best and only their flavor when it really is all about the Milk and Sugar.
I am sure I will go ahead and become a member because it seems that liking and disliking flavors isn't how we want to 'do church'. I have to come up with a good enough reason though why we are becoming members...before tomorrow. I don't think 'it is in walking distance from our house' and 'I know some people' is a good enough reason. Now...if this church said to me, Hey Heidi, we know you like to preach and would love to use this gift of yours in this congregation...I would really like this flavor. But they don't like women to have this particular gift...then not alot of flavors do. Well, some flavors but I don't like the fruits and nuts they use in their mix.
Here I go a waffling...

Earning wrinkles and South Pacific

It is that time of year when I begin to think about a new hairstyle. I used to change my hairstyle every 6 months...Looking back I think I was a bit insecure about how I looked and thought that a new hairstyle would catapult me into beauty bliss. There were some that catapulted me in the opposite direction. I have one of those faces (thank you parents) that makes every hairstyle OK but no matter what the beauty technician said...there were times I wish I had been more forth-right.

Hairstyles and going to the salon is a distinctly female malady. But no matter how often we are told we look great, we gamble ...OK, I gamble and go back in again for that elixir of youth. I have been told that at this age...there are some hairstyles that are appropriate and some...not so.

So again age has limited the possibilities. I know, there are some of you that say...do whatever you want Heidi...but honestly...there are some hairstyles that the younger women should own and some only for us older folks. You see these wrinkles on our face that we have worked hard to earn gives us the exclusive domain of hairstyles that hide rather then expose, enhance rather then flaunt, simplify rather then complicate.

I have no idea if those wonderful ladies and few men know how much power they have in those scissors and combs.

When you have found her...never let her go.........

Hiding place or Boulder

The Holy can be either a Hiding Place or a Boulder in your way. Is. 8
I have been chewing on this phrase for almost a month now. It slides in and out of my thinking, and every time it gives me pause. Don't fear what they fear...Don't take on their worries.
This passage in Isaiah in context is warning Israel...The King of Assyria and all his power..he is coming like a flood.
Form a plan and it will be thwarted; make a respolve, and it shall nor be carried out. Call not alliance what this people call alliance, and fear not, nor stand in awa of what they fear. Yet He shall be a snare, an obstacle, a boulder in the way.
Protection in either case. We don't like the boulder...interesting that not only is He a obstacle, He is also a snare. I pray for open doors, straight paths, easy directions. Maybe we should also pray for the Holy Boulder...When things are not working out the way we think they should...like there seems to be something in the way...maybe the Holy is keeping us from something...teaching us to wait...teaching us that forward is not always the best direction.

Disobey your hope

In my ESL classes we are learning about feelings, characteristics and qualities. I was struggling to define the word " disappointed" when one of the students looked it up in her translator. The Chinese equivalent is to 'disobey your hope'. The circumstances disobeyed your hope, the feeling of disappointment disobeys your hope, your are disobeying your hope by being disappointed...whatever the meaning it is spot on.
I am disappointed when I have had an expectation, a hope, and that hope has not been met. The outcome dis-obeyed my expectation.
It is hard to deal with disappointment. It is hard for my kids to hear that they have disappointed me...more so then if they make me angry. It is easy to understand in light of disobeying some one's hope.
I think in a relationship with God, both of us get disappointed with the other. God does not come through...He did not do what I had hoped He would do...He disobeyed my hope. The question is...why do I have that expectation? Does He have to obey my hope?
Do I have to obey His hope for me? Neither is an Have To...I guess it would be better if it was a Get To.
The rub is...His hope for me is always to be my benefit. My hope for Him isn't.

Faith---full---ness

In my picture file on my computer is a bunch of these pictures taken from some telescope..satellite somewhere. This picture of a cosmic butterfly caught my eye...spectacular. The name of my file folder where I gather all these pictures is called faithfulness. What is it about the world OUT there that makes me think about God's faithfulness? The heavens declare the glory of God the Bible says, not so much about His faithfulness. I wonder why it speaks more to me about His faithfulness.
Maybe because what we see out there happened a looooooooooong time ago and we are just able to see it now. I think it says is that God likes beauty...granduer...spectacular...amazing..His perspective, faithfulness is not limited to a time frame. If you think about it long enough... I wonder how much of the fantastic is still not discovered? Faithfulness to what is unseen, undiscovered, unknown. Maybe...even...what is still unknown, undiscovered and unseen in the seeming nonsense of our lives is known and seen by Him. If He can make spectacular OUT there eons ago so that we can view it today...can you just imagine what He can do with all that we are doing today for the eons ahead.
I've been reading history books about the Irish, the middle ages, the Jews and the Roman and Greek empires. In every time period people had a unique and different relationship with God. How did someone know during the middle ages have a relationship with God? They did not ask Jesus into their hearts, have a personal relationship with God..yet... we can't write those generations of people off as though they did not know God. I think we become myopic in what we think is true faith...We limit God's story by defining Him by today's cultural reality. Just like this butterfly in space...we can't even begin to see the faithfulness of God written throughout each history's reality. We can't even begin to see the faithfulness of God written in each of our own daily realities. It may not be seen in this generation...but faithfulness is always seen in every generation by the faithfulness of the generation before.
Trust me..I am listening to myself. :)

1 in a billion

In my ESL classroom, I have the privilege of teaching Chinese students as well as Korean. One of these is a beautiful young girl from China. This week she feels far fay away from home, misunderstood by her host family, frustrated with the language and lonely. As she sat in my room struggling to say what she feels, she put her head in her arms and just began to weep. Of all the ESL classes, in all the US schools, this 1 in a billion Chinese student sat in a class with a teacher who understood everything she was going through. I could have wept with her...as I remembered my own longing in a boarding school so far away from my family and my home. I put my arms around her and waited for the tears to stop. Another student who is her advocate, she translates for her, told me that she (my homesick student) just needs to be loved. I know this feeling...I understand this loneliness...I get to wrap my arms around her aching heart.
So when I wonder why I am here at this time, maybe it is for this 1 in a billion.

Monday Morning...

I heard on the news this AM that the Atheist in the world have split into two different factions. One's that turn to ridicule those who believe and the others who want to engage in dialogue. One is called the fundamentalist atheists and the other a more kinder, gentler version. I am still wondering what to do with this kind of information.
I could not fall asleep last night till late so as a result this morning came early. It was dark and cold in the house...so definitely a Monday morning.
Nick came home with all sorts of stories from his hunting trip. What he is most proud of is the shooting of a small squirl and the subsequent skinning. OK...no mangy pelts in the house, we already have a pheasant in the freezer.
I can't seem to engage myself into gear this AM...something is absent.
I think my last post was a bit too personal...Oh well...
It is Monday Morning...

Seeing the edge...

The silence of the house this morning reflects so well what is going on internally. Mijo is at a retreat, the boys are hunting...I anchor the family. They can fly because I can stay. These past weeks have been difficult for me. In light of the past posts maybe I should just wait till things look better. There is an assumption on my part that many have stopped reading and I am now writing more for internal clarity. Clarity I need. I was talking to a friend yesterday and as I talked I grew weary of hearing myself so if that is true, I am sure it was true for him. There is a weariness in the core of my soul. I am tired of trying to put the right spin on life, tired of trying to find the good. Even as I write that last statement...I realize how little people want to hear this drum-beat of heaviness. So if you are reading...I understand. Trust me, I am so very tired of me as well. So don't read on if you are looking for good news...
So what happened Heidi...who/what stole your perspective and joy?
After the BBQ...it took 4 weeks to get the money. I was so hesitant to have a fund-raiser for all the reasons that happened. I realize now that as we count the money...it is so little in comparison to what is needed. Every little bit helps is the mantra. It is a big bill...and when all is said and done, financial security makes me feel secure.
In the last five years of my life with Curtiss, while he was drinking, we were really poor. I lived in a wrecked trailer in a trailer park with other broken down people. It would have been the trailer park that would have been hit by a tornado if we were in that part of the world and it would have been a favor to the community around. We were an eyesore. While Curtiss was wandering the streets, folks would wander by this trailer of mine looking to see if we would buy their food-stamps. You see...since I had two small children and no money I was on food-stamps and well-fare. Before we were sold this trailer by folks who were out to make a buck (long story) we were homeless. Friends of my Dad forked over money to help us buy this shabby home on wheels in the middle of poverty. Being married to an alcoholic makes friends hard to come by and family even less. I have no idea what if anything the church did.
So I know financial insecurity...I don't like it at all. Trust in the Lord, He will provide. No...only in the US do we think that God is obligated to keep us financially secure. Look around the world, there are many many poor who love Jesus and live in poverty. All this to say...I am sitting on the edge looking over the side and wondering what next...what hammer will fall down this time.
So to whomever is reading...this time I hope not many at all...I can't seem to wrap this one up in a pithy lesson learned. I'm mad at the horse owner who made little of my fear, at LC for so many many promises made and un-delivered but at myself mostly. I should have, would have, could have...so many many things.

Went to a wedding...

I went to a wedding last night for a former student of mine, wow...beautiful bride and handsome groom. Everything was lovely and as I watched her dance with her new husband I remembered what she was like in my class.
This is one of the joys of teaching...watching what students become. I think when we teach long enough we begin to think that what we see is all they will ever become. The awkward, lumpy, aggressive, dramatic, shy, insecure teenagers who grace our classrooms are just that but not yet done. I always picture them as lumpy clay where we make an indentions in their formation but we are far away from making the final cut. We are pressing in some features, detailing some lines , and if not careful making some serious marks. It is an awesome task to be a teacher...it carries serious ramification when done wrong. BUT...we are in the process of formation and when given the privilege of forming a good line it is just that a privilege.
This girl who danced herself into being a wife...was not awkward, lumpy or insecure. She was/is graceful, beautiful and talented. She invited me in anyway...and I walked along with her in her journey through high school and beyond. What a gift she gave me as her teacher and now her friend.

It has been two whole week since I have posted...anything.

I think it is because I have started a quilt and I find myself drawn to complete that one task. So much of my daily routine is on-going rather then completing. In fact everything is on-going. There isn't much that we can start and finish and then be done. So in making a quilt I find the satisfaction of starting something and then being intimately involved with its completion. Just me and the sewing machine making something out of scraps of material into something I will use and cherish for a long time. It is necessary for me at this time to be doing something with my hands and not so much with my mind. I find that with all that has transpired with me physically in the last few months...ironically, I have been mentally possessed. Trying to solve the conundrums of faith, and American culture and raising teenagers while wondering what I really need to do to make a difference if there is a difference to make at all.
Someone said to me once...and I sure wish I could remember who to give credit where credit is due... that often times life is lived as though we were driving looking at the rear-view mirror. We see where we are going by looking only at where we have come from. So we never go anywhere we just leave where we were...I think that has been me. I don't know how to wrench my face forward...to live expectantly, with anticipation and hope. I want to use the rear-view for what it was intended...to give warning at what may be coming up because of where I have been rather then having where I have been be what I focus on.
We glance at our past to make reference to where we are but not to dictate where we are going or where we should be. Arn't there verses upon verses that tell us to press on, make every effort, forget what is behind, walk by faith not by sight etc.
How do I wrench my head forward...for me a great segue has always been to make something with my hand presently that I will use in the near future. An accomplishment of sorts that is tangible that has nothing whatsoever to do with my past, my angst , my thinking, my desire for credible answers. Making quilts is a very present kind of enterprise. It requires concentration, creativity, practical skills but very little verbal skills. So....looking forward to the road ahead...I am going back to my quilt. :)

A debt of gratitude...

Yesterday evening the LC, FFA put on a BBQ Fundraiser for me. What a humbling experience to see all these people come. As I mingled from table to table to say thank you to as many people as possible, instead of feeling awkward I felt loved by folks who knew me well, those who knew me little and even those who did not know me at all. Really, what can I say that would express the magnitude of gratefulness? This BBQ marked the end of the long road from May 23rd. It began in company, endured in company and ended in company.

Harvey who sang to me and prayed for me while we waited for the ambulance...
The whole team who prayed, carried and worked to get me out...
Carol who called my family and said what needed to be said when it needed to be said...
The medical staff who gently put all the pieces together...
For Dr. Miller who always brought calm and a moment of his time...
Everyone who came and sat with me in the hospital room...
For Dawn who brought the sunshine every time she came...
Those who built my ramp so I could get in and out...
For all the flowers that filled my room...
For all the meals that we so gratefully ate...
For Elfrieda....too much to list for so much she did...
For My Dad who gently filled our home with his love...
For the money that was given and the notes that were sent...
The emails, the Facebook messages, for the cards...
For my brothers who called...
For the many phone calls from so many who needed to hear me and I needed to hear from...
For the students who prayed and gave...
For the sign in my room...
For the books that Jeff and Anita dropped off...
For Kristi who trimmed my hair and Dawn who washed it...
For the plants from Mrs. Unema's Biology class that are still growing in my yard...
For the ladies that came and sat with me and talked and made me laugh..
For my sister-in-law and father-in-law who made the long drive to check in on me...
For Mijo who stepped up and became...
For Nick who would always do without complaint...
For First Reformed who prayed for me every week...
For everyone who keeps asking if I am ok...
For Gerrit who called and made sure always that we were taken care of...

For my Scott who became my voice of reason, gentle reminder, strong will, silent strength...

And finally, for all who came to the BBQ, for the many hands of my co-workers, for the encouragement, for the effort it takes to put something like this together.

To my Father in Heaven who made the space between heaven and earth a lot thinner...

A debt of gratefulness...

All at once

It is one of those late summer hot days here in Lynden. It will be grand to get some things done in the yard before the rains begin. It is also quiet in the house...Scott is away for the next three weeks for work and since he is always the first one awake and making noise...it is quiet in the house. Kids are sleeping in on their one day of the week...school has been in session for two weeks now and they are learning how to juggle all the details of their very busy lives. This week...I turned 46 and the doctor told me that I would not need surgery (yet) and that I could do as much as I could do and finally get rid of my HUGE black brace I have been wearing for 3 months. Every morning my first waking moment, I pray a prayer of thanks...I have been sleeping all through the night without aide and without much pain. What a gift. Yesterday, with some monetary gifts from Scott's union and family we were able to pay the last 2 doctor's bills off, now all we have is the hospital bill. All at once it seems the clouds have parted and the sun (flower) is shining.

So I sit here in the silence of the room..wishing my husband here but knowing his absence means he has work. I am so grateful for the reprieve, for all the good news, for all the blessings...that a weird painful part of my journey though far from done is so much better. I am breathing, bending, picking up, walking...when in June this was so far far away from my reality.

These days are breathers. We all have them when things seem in order and there is a relative peace. As much as I want these breathers every day... that isn't life.

At this very moment as I write these words...Mocha is throwing up in the kitchen. Morning peace has been officially broken .... So much for the breather....BUT, at least I can bend over and clean it ....

Grief's work and Grief works

On the way to the Mbua, we went and visited Nduga's who lived in Wamena. This lady being hugged by Scott had just lost her son to AIDS. She hugged and wept on every one of us. We held her, hugged her and passed her on to the next set of arms. A few days later she arrived in the Mbua and the minute she walked off the airplane, a group of ladies surrounded her and sat on a rock near the airplane and just wept.

Every time I saw her in the next several days she was weeping and being held. She embodies what grief feels like.

A friend of mine the other day said that I was dealing with grief. The loss of health, the loss of mobility, the loss of what may have been and for what may come. I know grief, she has been my companion for many many years. She comes to me like this lady did and holds on to me and weeps. I don't do this often but there are times when I stop and count, not my blessing but my losses.

She (grief) has walked with me in the boarding school of Sentani, the immigration to the States, the leaving of my parents back to Papua, the death of my mother, the death of Curtiss, being homeless, loosing two well-loves jobs, leaving Papua... loosing my health. She has whispered on many nights and graced many mornings with her melancholy. She hangs on to every hope and shadows every prayer. Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted. Grief isn't wrong or right...grief is. We did not want to hang on to this lady, she was dirty, she smelled, she did not speak our language...but we did.

Grief's work is an on-going choice to hang on or let go. Grief works to change our perspective on the temporary and set our eyes on the eternal. Loss lingers and deepens our joy. Though weeping may endure for the night, joy comes in the morning. There is nothing quick, easy or gentle about grief...she invades your space, overwhelms your senses and hangs on for dear life. She embodies all that is broken and lost and missing. But...and again I walk with her in company...I become something new from what I have lost. I am humbled by my loss, long for what is eternal, more gentle with others, have a deeper understanding of what matters...and sad. But...I will be comforted and the arms will surround me, I will be passed from arm to arm, I will have time to sit and weep...I will get up again and go forward.

And may you to be comforted in your grief as it works in you and through you.

This I know, she has come and found all of us.

Ambiguous

Nothing is quite as clear as an xray...you know all black and white,until it isn't clear enough. The spine doctor let me know today that since I am still in pain, my left leg hurts when I walk, when I lay down on my back...I feel it in my legs etc. I need an MRI to be sure but he thinks that maybe my spine has narrowed since the accident and I may need surgery.

Sitting in the parking lot after the appointment I wondered how to feel. Scared, overwhelmed, angry, sorry for myself...ambiguous. It's all good until you hear different. Before today, I was sure the news would be good news. Something like...Wow, Heidi I am amazed at how amazing your amazing spine is amazingly healed. Maybe not to that degree but close. Like tomatoes from the garden... they don't come only when you need them, they come all at once in great abundance. I thought good news would just continue to pour in about this accident that occurred 3 months ago. Money would cover all expenses, bones would completely heal and my spine would just be strong and handle the crushing.

So dear readers...today I am not doing real well. No matter how I feel it doesn't take make my back better. If I am mad, sad, happy, joyful, overwhelmed...my spine is. So I am ambiguous...but I am sure things will clear up sooner then later and the sharp edges will poke through the ambivalence and I will be hurting.

The audacity of the request

I don't ask for much...I need to ask for more. In this past mess of medical bills etc. someone asked one of my Doctors to forgive my debt to them. I was a bit taken back that 1. he would assume to ask for me 2. that he would ask for such an audacious thing. Long story short, the debt was not forgiven but halved. This gave me pause. Can things really be that simple? Just ask? I am always taken back by those who do...you know, the people who ask you to do this, take you there, give you money, use your stuff. I am always so surprised by the request that I usually say yes when I really wanted to say no. I am so impressed with the audacity to ask. I may even talk to the hospital and see what they can do about the money I owe them :).

We are supposed to ask, I think. I know God invites our requests all the time. I think we need to make the requests Big and Bold but not in the Santa Clause kind of way. There are boundaries to requests not only on the human side but also in the heavenly side of things. We don't get because we don't ask...interesting Bible verse! SO what are you asking for lately?
I asked the school to forgive my first two months tuition until we get some financial control over the bills? I haven't heard yet how they will respond, but I asked.

What if they say no...what if what we asked to happen does not. What if we don't heal, don't get the raise, don't get married, have a child, get that job, stop that addiction, get happy and the million other audacious requests? Does the relationship hinge on the request being granted? When you say no to a request does that change the relationship you have with that person? It can, but should it?

I want to be a person who asks extravagantly not only with my heavenly Father but with others. But in the same audacity be OK with the no's, maybe's and not right now's. You see, just because I ask doesn't mean it will be granted, but I need to ask anyway.

A different Pattern along the same

Father in Heaven...

The Holy Other, the One who is not common or earthy or time bound or moody or distant or silent. The Holy Other: creator, sustainer, healer, provider, jealous, redeemer, savior and friend..The One who isn't us, limited in time, energy and interest. Who isn't distracted by the moment, the silly or the useless.

Your Kingdom Come

Make thin the thick walls of what seems real. The wall of anxiety that threatens trust. The walls of fear that unhinge our faith. The walls of culture the influence our perspective. Make thin the space between what is heaven and plant it here on earth. Help us see your perspective on our earthly reality, your spirit invade our earthly space. Shift our perspective to see your work in the daily routine, in conversations, in interactions. Help us, help others see you. Your Kingdom here already..pushing through the darkness, bringing order to chaos, hope in despair, encouragement in the afraid, healing the sick, freedom from addictions, beauty in ashes, comfort in grief.
Heavens influence in earthy endeavors.

Give us this day our bread

Help us taste the food and savor the gardens plenty. Help us eat enough but not too much. To eat so that this body is nourished so it can heal wounds, fight diseases, mend bones, provide energy, see, taste, feel, listen to this world we live in. So we can use this body to your glory...

Forgive our debts...

You give us all that we need to build bridges to the people in our life. We have built walls, teach us how to take down each brick. Un-build the walls and make the bridges. The moments we think revenge, the slips of bile that explode out of our mouth that kills reputations, slanders personalities. Help us put the brinks we want to throw into a a path we can walk on. However long the road, however high the wall help us begin today.

Lead us not...

It is easy to sleep with the enemy who knows what entices and attracts, distracts and destroys. The sin that so easily entangles because it isn't hated. The greed, the envy, the pride, the sloth, the avarice, the rage. Help us see, lead us to the place where we have been tied up and extricate ..do the surgery..cut us off...make us aware. Deliver us from the footholds he has stood on...his intent.

For you are what is powerful, what is right, what make beauty beautiful, what makes good..what is true. Amen

A charity case

Have you ever been? A charity case, that is. Aren't we all?
Dear friends of mine are putting on a fund raiser for me this coming September. I am a charity case but somehow that isn't a place I really want to be. If we pulled the phrase apart it would mean that in our case specifically we need some charity, love, attention, benevolence. Walking this bumpy path these past months since the 23rd of May I have been wrapped up in the love, attention, benevolence of family and friends...why when it involves money do I squirm. Not having medical insurance has made this accident much more then just a physical healing but still...a fund raiser for my medical bills? I have become a charity case and it is so terribly humbling. Being short on funds for tuition, bills etc has become a reality and in the absence of our ship finally coming in we are in for some lean months/years. What if the ship was in the form of benevolence...charity from a community who cares? Why am I so uncomfortable, so embarrassed at the idea of being in this position?
I don't know how to say thank you enough...how do you ever repay such kindness?

7th inning stretch

I have always thought that baseball games run too long. I keep telling Scott that they need to end in the 5th inning or at the very latest the 7th but the 9th....it just makes for a long and very tedious event. Nothing exciting happens until the end anyway so cut it off sooner and get it over quicker. As you can tell I am not that big a fan of baseball games but there is merit in the suggestion. Nice of them to let us all stretch during or after the 7th inning. I really don't know because I have stretched many times before the 7th inning and will have left viewing the game even before that 7th marker.
We have hit seven years in our marriage. It really does not seem that long compared to my peers who are nearing their 20th or 25th even. I feel we have packed a lot in theses 7 to count for more. We don't have an itch as much as we need a stretch. It seems unlike a baseball game the action has been non-stop since we have said 'I do' that at the moment we need an 'OK already'. Our start was a bit shaky and to be honest I knew we would last due to the stubborn streak of my husband but I did not think we would have a good lasting...I remember him telling me that he wasn't leaving so we could have a bad marriage or a good marriage but we were having a marriage until one of us died...it was up to us. He was hoping for a good one since he has waited 40 years to get married.
So we are at our seventh inning stretch and good news...we are getting to the place where we have a good marriage. We could use some less turbulent times but maybe that is what has made us forge something worth-while. I have no idea what will transpire in the years ahead, good or bad. I hope for good times to out weigh the bad but I am confident in the companion I joined 7 years ago. We are at least looking forward and not so much inward...not working so hard to get along that we get along quite well. I am so grateful for Scott's tenacity and God's grace...Now, lets just get back to the game.

Rough Patches

On our trip to Sequim we took a drive up Hurricane Ridge. It is pretty amazing to see all the Olympic mountains from the comfort of your car. A lazy man's way/or a blessing for the handicapped way to see what would normally take a looooooong hike. From the parking lot you can walk a bit to an overlook to look at the the straights...from one direction the Olympics, from another the Ocean...It is Grand. I was in the wheelchair at this time and Scott, wanting me to see the other view pushed me up a hill on the way over. Around the corner there in the middle of the path was a huge snow patch. No big deal when you are using your feet...a big deal when you are on wheels. Scott never to be hindered looked ahead to see if and when we cross this rough patch if there was one farther up maybe a bit more rough. This patch was it...he turned me around and began to drag me with my feet straight up in the air over the snow. In my fear of falling out of the wheelchair I was giggling so hard at the awkwardness of it all. In my most fearful stretch I suddenly felt strong arms holding me stable...our host Tom had come around just in time to see if we needed any help. With two strong men struggling to haul me over the snow I was able to see the view and the patch of snow that looked like a heart.

I think you know where I am going with this...it is even a saying I am sure you have used or heard. "I'm going through a rough patch at the moment". Another phrase has struck me as well, 'the joy of the Lord is our strength'. What I think this means...there are moments in every day where joy bubbles through the patches. For me it isn't something I initiate or muster if I think hard enough...joy is when the space between heaven and earth becomes a bit thin by moments outside my doing. I am becoming aware of these thinning moments because I know they will come; it is a hummingbird in the feeder, Mocha my dog being a goof-ball, a round full moon gliding through the night sky, flowers that won't stop growing, a good meal, a good conversation, chores getting done. I begin to see that if something is good and brings a measure of joy or peace it is like those strong arms of Tom helping me over the patches while Scott pulls me through.

We can be the joy of the Lord in others rough patches...bringing hope, peace, comfort, humor and everything that makes the journey do-able. Joy bubbles and maybe joy looks a lot like you.

Being a favorite

I was on the phone with someone the other day and they said nonchalantly...you are one of my favorite people. That phrase always stops me in my tracks because I am a woman who has no favorites. I am not talking about people....I don't have a favorite anything; movie, drink, supper, color, place, ice-cream etc. This drives my daughter crazy who has favorite everything. But to be a favorite person...wow, that makes my whole day. I wonder how one becomes a favorite. As parents we are warned against having favorites and as a teacher the warning is valid but not do-able. We all have people, friends, students who connect with us in a different ways. I like to be with some students more then I like to be with others but I work really hard at making sure no-one knows who so that I can treat everyone with the same respect.
I sometimes wonder if God has favorites. He chose Israel. He loved Jacob but hated Esau...David was a man after his own heart but did not have the same to say about Saul or even Solomon. He heals some but not others. Some get an easy ride in life while others suffer. Jesus chose three out of the twelve to be spend more time with...maybe they were his favorite. This makes us uncomfortable, what if I am not a favorite of God. What if I am one of the many in the crowd that followed Jesus but were never named or taken aside for special treatment. Like one of the 5000 who experienced the blessing of eating but was never part of the relationship. Even as I write this I am uncomfortable...am I a favorite?
Maybe...maybe if God is our favorite, we are His. I am not saying favorite god amongst all the others we have...like a flavor of ice cream. Mijo and Nick are my favorite children, I have no other. I love other children and think them wonderful but no one will grab my heart ever the way these children of mine will. Is it the same with God...or is that the same with me. He is God, I have no other.
Don't you want to be His favorite...are we already? If we all are then no one is...Does it matter?
That's what I am thinking about this AM....

Dwelling in the shadow

Shade has been of great importance these last few days. Hitting the 100 degree mark in the PNW is not only unusual it is brutal, most of us don't have AC. Why would we have AC when normal high temperature are in the 70-80's. There are drastic measure, like moving to the basement to sleep, closing up the house so that the coolness of the night stays as long as possible, turning every fan on high all day..etc. Finding shade is key to keeping cool.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of
the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, " He is my refuge, and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust". Ps. 91:1

For me, the weather is the least of my worries because life is brutal.
I have a friend who can't produce blood platelets and they don't know why. Another is battling cancer, another can't find a job...How do we walk in the shade, find the shelter we need to rest from life's brutal heat?
How do I find shade with mounting bills in hand and a crushed vertebrae? We look at each other and think...well their need for shade is so much more extreme then mine...I'll stay out here in the sun. But that's the beauty, the shadow is big enough for all of us no matter the brutality we live with. As we dwell...we rest, find refuge and find the fortress...we just dwell. Going back to the question...how do we dwell?
How do you?

Bless be the ties that bind....

Fairmont Hot Springs in beautiful BC, Canada a rag tag assortment of people came together from Australia, Netherlands, France , Canada and the US. Our common denominator is that all our parents are siblings...we are the vanderbijl tribe. The tribe from Canada were our hosts and as all 80 or so of us who gathered were given a most excellent gift...the time to get to know each other and to connect. They had us organized in activities but loose enough to just sit and chat (for me that was the only activity I could do). I have always known my family from a distance but to have them gather in one place, to plunge so completely in this gene pool was refreshing and comforting. There are the people who are related to me and if I call them up in the middle of the night to tell them I have landed in their country and need a place to stay...they will come just because I am kin. I love that...not because I would but because I can.
As a whole we see the familiarities and muse at the choices our parents made to conributee so completely into where we have all ended up. We see how our parents are aging and we wonder together what we will do. We amuse ourselves watching the next generation tumble and fall and wonder and grow. We make plans to go to Australia because that lost tribe of vanderbijls are just so cool...and not only because we have never met them but they have such a great accent. We dream about our visit to the Netherlands and think how fun to listen to the language and land of our heritage. We kick ourlseves that we haven't driven to Calgary more often to say hello to that amazing Verhoeff/vanderbijl clan of giant hearted people.
Now there are faces to names, stories to families, memories shared...ties that bind that make us so blessed.

Testing God

And Satan took him up...hey, throw yourself off... no worries your angels will catch you. Jesus said....don't test God. This verse he quoted was taken from Exodus 17 where the Israelites one more time complained at a moment of crisis. You see they were in a place where they could not see a way out and the first thing out of their mouth was " Is the Lord among us or not". Don't test the Lord as you did at Massah...don't.

My faith is insipid. Yesterday we heard that maybe the insurance company of the school would not come through on our behalf...it does not look encouraging. So as I peruse the bills one more time what do I think..."Is the Lord among us or not?" My anxiety level reaches shrill and panicky and I look around and begin to wonder if God is anywhere. He will leave us, He left us...we will wander homeless in Bellingham bankrupt and penniless. Satan whispers....hey throw yourself off, it's hopeless Heidi...was He ever there...ever?

Don't test God...like you did at Massah...like you do very time there is a crisis. You forget what was done, is being done and will be done...just don't do it. So in this journey through a sort of wilderness, I/we walk into another mountain precipice. Before I launch out in fear, I'll step back and realize He hasn't brought us this far to let us go or toy with us in the falling...He is among us.

Old Woman Walking

It is pure joy to be shuffling around the house...I am walking on the treadmill at 2 miles an hour and most the time I can walk without aide from one piece of furniture to another. The spine doctor told me to do as much as I can to strengthen my muscles in the back because that would be the only thing that would help. Looking at the x-ray and the disc sitting there all crushed i get a sick feeling at the pit of my stomach at what could have been. I cooked supper last night and got a list of projects that need to be done around the house. My reign as functioning adult is nearly complete, I don't know for sure if the kids are that excited about that now that I can check their progress. When I am still I can almost pretend nothing has happened but in every movement I am reminded at how far I am from where I was. I am not discouraged...I still am grateful because I am an old woman walking and not a poor woman in a wheelchair.

Being necessary

Needing to be wanted...wanting to be needed. One thing about Papua that I have missed is that being there whatever talent you have or consider having is needed somewhere. Here in the US...most the time you do what you are good at or what you are certified to do. We stay in our fields of expertise, this is especially true in education.
I just got a list of the needs at HIS for the coming year...it was like a shopping list of what we could do in our fields of expertise but also in the realms of what we could do if needed.
At LC I am there but if I wasn't there would be another just as qualified. We have lines of people waiting to fill our positions when in Papua you could be the only one able to do what is so desperately needed. Being necessary is such a wonderful feeling.
There is a danger though in loving that feeling and that is feeling like you are the only one who can fulfill all those needs. Being expendable in the realm of the employed hopefully makes you work hard enough to be necessary. If you are the only who can do whatever it is to be done ... maybe you then don't work as hard and begin to feel that you are too necessary to be replaced.
It is a conundrum... I just miss being necessary in all realms of what I can do.

2 AM....musings

I don't know if you know this but around 1 -3 AM your body is at its lowest for a certain chemical that helps the body deal with traumatic stress. I wake up at this time every night with pain and anxiety. I did not know about this physical aspect of my body till I talked to the Doctor. There is this gland near the kidney that produces I don't know something that makes the stress of a trauma do-able. Amazing what the body can do but man would it be nice if it did not ebb at the darkest time of the night.
I wake up slowly usually because there is pain and then I can't sleep for about an hour or hour and half. My mind seems to work really well then and while I pray through all my fears and pray for others in their fears and then I gently fall back to sleep. Pain is a weird thing...we desperately need pain to warn us and guide us. At the same time we hate every minute it is doing its job. I am reminded that if I did not have pain I would not have any use for my limbs because I would be paralyzed. I would sleep well...I just wouldn't feel at all.
I have this image constantly in my mind surrounding the accident. The horse keeps landing and breaking me and the image haunts me. Maybe my mind is dealing with the trauma in real time like dreams deal with life in sleep time but it is disturbing.
I am on the mend and it will take as much time as it will take. I will loose all the hard work I did prior to accident but I will heal. I am praying that as my body heals so will my mind. I am praying that at 2 AM I will keep praying and not sink into fear that edges ever closer. I will work at not being so myopic and look beyond the limitations of my circumstances. I pray this will be a chapter in my life that will end soon with all the lessons learned.
Thank you for being a part of my journey. Writing it down helps define my thoughts...this is helpful.

Sequim away ...

Our wonderful friends invited us to come away with them to Sequim, a little town far enough away to feel like a vacation. It was quick, wonderful and refreshing. Thank you Tom and Dawn, I felt almost normal.

This has been one of those weeks where everything seems to be too much. 1/3 of this summer is gone without much of anything done...well, except the whole body healing and everything. The view from the wheelchair is limited and somehow the grand story of it all is lost in the mundane of getting around the house without scraping the walls and doors with the wheels. The family is a blur of activities around me as I watch from the center. It may all change tomorrow and I will be able to walk again but in my mind I am fuming at the stupidity of it all.
Getting phone calls from the hospital about the bills, waiting forever on the insurance report from the school, ARGH.......I want, wish, hope, desire, long..........oh well.

On the side of the mountain on Hurricane Ridge was the remnant of the snow melt shaped like a heart. You can see it in the picture above. Scott pushed me up and over patches of snow to get to this look-out and there for all to see was this text message from God. Remember, I have been looking for the meaning in all of this and have yet to see the good in it all...but maybe all I need to know is that I am loved no matter what. Loved...not only by the Almighty but by so many more. I can't forget the outpouring not too many weeks ago and even the gift of seeing this heart given by friends. I will not forget...and this will encourage me.

Fighting

I have found something strange over the years...no one really talks about the fights they have with their spouses. It's like talking about how much money you make, it is just taboo.
I think we need to talk about our fights more often for the simple reason that we need to know that our marriage isn't the only one that has rough spots. We need to know that there is something normal about fighting, or maybe the way we fight needs some outside referee's. I think we don't talk about things like this because appearance is so important. We don't want to look foolish, or petty, or less then perfect especially in a most significant relationship.
I propose we talk more about our fights...bearing each others burdens and all. So in the end,we realize we are not alone, marriage is hard work but worth the humbling.
Scott and I will have only been married 7 years this August. We have fought a lot. I think it is because he is really stubborn, I know that I am. The first two years were ...well, awful. He had been single for 40 years and I came into our marriage with a but load of baggage. I remember him going to marriage counseling by himself because I was too stubborn to go with him...another story. Many issues ...many issues but 7 years later we are much stronger and better, but we still fight.
We had another one this week and over the same issue...I need to trust him with parenting. It has been 7 years and I am still thinking he needs my help to parent Nick and Mijo. I somehow in the grand scheme of things need to protect these children from this new parent who has just come into the family. Nick does not even remember Curtiss so that excuse doesn't work anymore. These children have always been ours to him but for a long time they have been just mine. This week after another fight I asked him if I was wrong for butting in yet again in his attempt to get Nick to do his chores. He said...yes, you are wrong. I knew I was but this time when he asked me if I thought I was wrong instead of deflecting or yes-butting...I said emphatically ...Absolutely. He rolled over and went to sleep...I sat there and thought maybe, maybe we have come to the end of one of the cycles.
The next day I was talking to Nick about doing his chores etc. and I said" Nick, please do your stinking chores so that your Dad won't have to yell at you the rest of the summer". He looked at me and said "what if he only has to talk to me sternly", no wonder he gets in trouble.
It is hard to be completely wrong when you think you should always be right...what arrogance on my part. Humbling to loose so rightly.

So sorry

I realize as I lay in bed last night that the list of unravels was pretty insignificant comparatively...I was feeling bit sorry for my self but would not say it in so many words so I waxed eloquent when in reality I think I was whining. So I am sorry, I am very grateful just a bit overwhelmed...this too shall pass. Thank you for your understanding....

Unraveling

We all have had it happen... there is loose string on a favorite sweater and you pull on it thinking it is just an aberrant string needing to be trimmed. You commence to pull it out and find out only too late that you have started the unraveling of a wonderful sweater. It is a kind of a strange thing to experience...there is something kind of fun about the unraveling but at the same time you know there is no way to get it back to the way it was and the sweater has lost its sweater-ness. These past few days as I sit in various places in the house I feel like this horse accident was the start of the pulling. I am sure it is the view from the wheelchair that inhibits perspective but still I am unsettled. It is the little things ...the little strings that by themselves are OK but when they follow the big pull...I feel like I am being unwound.

My camera was broken by the horse...I can't replace it at this time but ...
Our lawn mower broke down completely can't be fixed its too old...has to be replaced.
Every one needs to go and see the dentist...
The dog continues to be ill with only a large vet visit to help her.
The downstairs rooms need to be done this summer to give the kids their own space but ...

I think under any other circumstances I would take this in stride as a normal part of living here in the US...its just that is it all happening right now. The horse trip...pun intended...unraveled me in the out-of -the -blue kind of way. I am a bit jumpy to the uncertainty of it all. I wait now for the " WHAT NOW".
But...and there is always a but... I think that this is normal when accidents happen. When I have some distance from the moment I will see the bigger picture. Maybe not...but the view from standing will have to be better then the view from the wheelchair.

Once upon a time

Not too many years ago we went on a road/camping trip south through OR, CA , NV, AZ and UT and had a ball. I looked at the kids yesterday in their final performance of 'Honk' and realized that amazingly they are much bigger, older and even more wonderful. Mijo was assistant director and Nick was the turkey in this summer theater group.

I really enjoy being their mom and these past few weeks as they have had to serve me hand a foot...not a complaint, not a one.

Once upon a time I also did everything for these two...now they do so much for me. I don't want to think about them going their own way not too far in the future. Will I be ready for their absence?

I will cross that bridge when I get there...now, I enjoy the collected moments.

Mobility

I moved all the toiletries to the bathroom from my bedside. I washed my face at the sink and I now use the toilet rather then the commode. I eat at the table, watched a movie in the living room and made myself a cup of coffee. The X-Rays last week did not show vast amounts of improvement but my body is getting stronger and at times I think I should be able to get up and walk around as if nothing happened at all. We went to Sonics yesterday for an outing and I am able to get into our SUV with no problems at all.....MOBILITY means freedom even if it is limited to wheelchair boundaries. WOOT WOOT !!!!!!!

I also get frustrated quicker, loose my patience and wonder how to fill my days. I have been wondering lately what I am supposed to learn from this other then horses are unpredictable and crazy. I have experienced so much through the love of others that the lesson of community has been imprinted forever on my soul. A friend the other day also made me realize that I can relax in the search of meaning...sometimes you just love God in the middle of it all even if there seems to be no over-arching lesson.

So I'm crazy woman in the wheelchair for the next few weeks...hopefully when and if you come by for a visit you won't encounter the impatient, cranky, wacko that seems to come to the surface a bit more often.

Then they left

Dad and Elf left this morning... so sad to see them leave. I told them the other day how much I would miss them realizing that wherever they go they are missed by someone. They are just those kind of people...loved and always missed because wherever they go they leave in their wake people who they have blessed. They embody the hands and feet of Jesus and their gentle and kind hands will be sorely sorely missed.
This journey of dependence has humbled me not only because I am so dependent but that whose who have served me have done so so graciously and wholeheartedly...how could I ever repay such kindness.

Target on the back

This isn't a target...it is the dome in our capitol but it looks like a target.
Someone asked me the other day if I was mad at God. I'm not mad...a bit confused but not mad. I'm going to talk a bit about how I think about events like this. Some think that God being sovereign means that God controls everything. I don't believe He controls everything in the sense that we are the puppets under the puppets masters control. Good and bad things happen to us but when the bad happens we so desperately want to figure out why. I don't know if we go through as much scrutiny when good things happen. Do I think I was spared ...absolutely. I also know those who weren't. It is so confusing to try and figure out the why...I'm trying to stay in the what now.
We also know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose. I can already see some of the good...I am grateful.
Why in all the trail rides that LC has taken all these years, with all sorts of teachers skilled and unskilled, did I get the privilege of being booted off? Why in all the years of having insurance and nothing happen did the one time we did not have insurance something happen? I don't know...and won't ever...I just need to know...what do I do now?

Why didn't you have insurance

Of all the questions people may want to ask but never do is why we don't have medical insurance. Those of you who live in countries that believe that health care should not be an option may not understand how amazingly expensive any medical care is and why everyone in their right mind gets insurance.
We have always had insurance until this year. We have never used any insurance that we have ever paid for out of pocket but we have always been insured. Most people get their insurance from the companies they work for but because I am not full time at LC and Scott's company opted not to give this benefit we have paid all our insurance...until this year.
When we went with MAF last year to Papua, we let go of the insurance we had to go under the care of MAF's. In letting go, coming back we would have to start all over getting insurance and staying on with MAF's was way out of financial range. I also expected to work a lot more hours at LC but when we came back that was not to be true. Scott has worked consistently but has not had the turn-around work he usually gets every year...all this to say, financially we have not been able to get an insurance we could afford. Which brings us to this point where everything you don't want to happens happens when you don't have insurance.
To say that this is scary is an understatement...the hospital bill came in today and we haven't even received the doctor's bill yet. You know how bills come and you have 30 days to pay it off, the hospital wants its money in 2 weeks. Please don't misunderstant they deserve to be paid and we will attempt at a payment plan or get a line of credit from the bank...something. We are responsible for the service rendered...it is all so overwhelming. I am numb at the mountain ahead...please pray that we have wisdom on how to proceed.
I wanted you to know we were not being careless with this...

Still here...

You know when you wake up in the morning, right before you know you have to get up, and you lie there just enjoying the moment. I get to still lie there. As the mornings come and go and the home wakes up around me the only thing that pulls me into a sitting position is how badly do I need to go the the bathroom. Using the facility which is a handy little commode pulled close to the bed entails pain and that wakes me up quicker then any cup of coffee ever has. Talking about coffee, can't really go through withdrawal headaches if you are on pain meds...I no longer need my AM cup of coffee!!!! Unfortunately there is no medication to get the bladder to stop expanding.
When I am still on my back I don't feel any pain. Maybe a twinge here and there but nothing intense. When I move I am reminded of why I am in bed all day long.
I have made some great strides in the Independence of things...I can get on the commode and off on my own. I am getting to be a wiz at moving to the wheelchair and back and I think I can be in the wheel chair for about an hour, maybe hour and a half without having to get back to bed. The next big deal will be getting in the bathtub and having a real shower/bath.
This week I will get some xrays and see where I am progressing. This will be encouraging I am sure. We are sorta moving into a routine of sorts in the family...I really wish some free time for Scott, my companion in good and bad times. Mijo and Nick have a drama to work on for the next two weeks so they won't feel like their summer is just taking care of Ma.
I'll be here figuring it out or at least trying to.

Nursing assistant

I can't remember a time when I have been so dependent on everyone for everything. Going to the bathroom, moving, getting clean, eating...and the list goes on and on.

Elfrieda, my Dad's wife and my wonderful friend, has been my nurse these past few days. She is a nurse and when we were in Irian Jaya growing up I wanted to grow up and be a nurse just like her. She gently gives me back my dignity my helping with all the things that we do in the privacy of the bathroom. As she washes me clean from the days perspiration and helps me into some clean clothes I realize that she is in her tenderness doing a Holy thing. It may be doing things to the least of these that please God but I think it is also doing the least of things. Like washing the feet of the disciples...unless you are willing to do these kind of things...you won't know what it means to lead.

In the hospital the nurses assistance are the ones who do all the dirty work..clean the bedpans etc. Being on the receiving end ... I think it is holy work. There is something about giving dignity to the hurting that is a Great work. Jesus is called the Healer, maybe I understand Him better as the Nurses Assistant. He doesn't just come and diagnose..he comes and cleans me up.

I could never be as kind or patient as Elfrieda when it comes to serving the sick...but my goodness I can be patient, kind and tender in the places He has called me to serve/lead.

Her tenderness to me changes the whole day for me...it really is that simple.

For better for worse, in sickness and in health.

Maybe in the marriage ceremony they should also ask...would you be willing to change your wife's' bedpan when she is unable to move out of her bed?
In the many things that have transpired over this past week and there have been many...the constant amazement for me is how much my husband loves me. When he was changing one of my bedpans at the hospital because I was uncomfortable having the male nurse do so...he said as he gently manoeuvred me...I kind of assumed we were going to help each other when we were old, this seems kind of soon. Another thing that has humbled me beyond understanding is how much people seem to care for me. The love, care and concern that has been poured out in such abundant measures has shifted my whole mental landscape.
I have been so grateful this past week in every painful, uncomfortable, intense moment that I was spared so much worse. I am able to heal...I am able to feel...I am here. This is a new thing for me...being so helpless, so in pain, so dependent and so thankful at the same time.
I will have time to write...so come long with me and share my journey as well as yours.

His Name

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. Let your good spirit lead me on a level path. Ps. 143;10

He who forms the mountain, creates the wind, and reveals His thoughts to man, he who turns dawn to darkness, and treads on the high places of earth - the Lord God Almighty is His name. Amos 4:13

I walk the dog on this road and these verses accompany me. On this particular day, the wind was blowing pretty hard, the mountains we visible and I thought...what thoughts would be revealed to me as I felt, heard and saw Amos 4:1 . However, I just heard the wind, walked the path and saw the mountains.

The interesting things is that every time I walk the dog on this path I think of this verse. Now in the routine of the walk I can picture Him treading on these high places of earth, and here in Washington we have some of those high places. How magnificent a picture to elevate the mundane. His thoughts are revealed and these are His thoughts. He is the Mountain Former, The Wind Creator, The Day Changer, The Treader of High Places...That is His name. I can see His name everywhere...stamped on the every day. In my routine, He is.

The woman in the mirror...

All these pictures of me have been taken in this past year. Lately, looking in the mirror has caused me some concern. I don't know about you but as much as I wish it did not matter...it does. It matters way to much and that has been reflected in the money I have spent on hair color...make-up...clothes. I yearn...actually yearn for the promises made in the make-up aisle to be true. If only this cream would erase all those wrinkles, lighten those spots, brighten my eyes, whiten my teeth..erase, blend, hide, take away and make me young-ish again.

One of my ESL students told me to stop wrinkling my forehead when I was talking, he told me it would make my wrinkles there deeper.

I was sitting with a dear friend the other day and she said she had come to a decision in her life. She was watching her daughter try on a pair of shorts she had worn not too many years ago...she remembered how she freaked out at that time for the 10 pounds she had gained. Today, looking back she wishes she had just enjoyed how she looked rather then how she didn't. So she has decided that when she looks in the mirror today, she will be grateful because she could and may look a lot worse a few years down the road.

This is true for most of us...the best years for how we appear are most likely behind us. As I get older I wrestle with this conundrum. I am much more confident in who I am, what I think, what I know...so much less in how I appear. Where is that sweet spot? Where your confidence matches your appearance? Where one doesn't trump the other? Did it come and go without me even enjoying the moment?

Will I like the woman in the mirror and give her a break? Let her grow old, let her have grey hair and a wrinkled brow with humor and grace? Will I enjoy the freshness of the young without grieving my own losses? Ahh these intimate questions of self-worth. In this humorless society that glorifies beauty and minimises grace...how do I negotiate these waters? Will beauty shine through me even if I don't wear it on me?

When I see her, this woman in the mirror...we'll smile. Today...some of the creams are working, the grey almost looks like blond and if I don't wonder too much I won't wrinkle my forehead. We'll be OK and OK isn't bad.

So....what are you thinking?

I took a field trip with the Seniors at LC to 3 worship centers; Jewish, Muslim, and Buddhist. This is right up my alley of interesting things to do and it was in all the usual ways. Remarkable how sincere we are in our faiths.
We love our places of worship, we have all the right answers, we order our lives in certain ways and we even have the answers to why the other faith is wrong in what they believe. The problem always is what do we do about Jesus.

If we talk only about God we can kind of ..except for the Buddhist, have an understanding but it all falls apart when we talk about Jesus. That whole trinity thing just messes up the Jews and the Muslims. What to do about Jesus...what to do...
Oh I know...make him one of the prophets or don't talk about him at all.

OR...Let Him translate you from the domain of darkness and bring you into the kingdom of Light. (Collosians) I'll go with The Translator....I want to follow Him.

My daughter the matchmaker

..Just a short peek at Mijo..just a taste on how well she did in Fiddler on the Roof.

What a gift to me she is...

Am I missing something?

Dreams, visions, a Word...I have always wanted this kind of relationship with God. Direction via dreams, assurance via a word spoken, confirmation from an outside source about an inside truth. I have been to many a meeting where God speaks to someone about something and I have waited for that word for me. Friends of mine have dreams, invitations, visions about the next place they are to go...what they are to do and for what great plan they are a part of.
Am I missing something in my relationship with God? Is that kind communication for only the few? Am I just in a wrong denomination? Wouldn't that be sad if God did not communicate in this fashion because the denomination did not think He did...that would be so sad.
I know people limit God's expression, I don't want to. I would be overjoyed to have a dream, a vision and Word of confirmation...anything. BUT...and there always seems to be that big BUT, my relationship with God runs in the normal parameters; A feeling, a sense, a great verse, beautiful creation, a good book. I feel I am missing something though...like I have been swimming in a pond when I have been invited to swim in the Ocean. I just don't know how to get there...or even if I am invited.

It's all good

If we parrot truth does it become real?

Don't worry...God's in control...of what?

in all things God works for the good of all those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose...What's good? Whose called? What purpose?

I have been thinking lately that when we parrot we sound a lot like a flock of irritating sea gulls. I have been seeing sea gulls flock over the newly sprayed hay fields when we are out running Mocha. We don't have screeching parrots here but we do have disgusting sea gulls.

Truth is powerful but not coming from every mouth or beak.

Things have been a bit off lately...but not from the usual sources.

Scott has been layed off for a month now and as finances become a bit tight...I'm good. He is an amazing layed off person, he cooks, cleans, does laundry, makes lunches, goes grocery shopping . I am on vacation while I work.
I am an ESL teacher at LC. I have no training or expertise in this area and next year I will be doing more with the international students. But...I'm good. It isn't what I'd like or even what I am qualified to teach but somehow this new direction will work.
I don't have a community of friends or even family...It's OK. I have no idea what dysfunction my family works in but we don't talk, communicate or seem to matter to each other. As the years go by with promises made and un-kept to keep in touch I wonder what fundamental aspect of family we have lost. There is a big family reunion this summer and though I am looking forward to being there...there is also an unsettled angst. This is discouraging but it is not new.

What is new ... a sense of unraveling. As if what I have always known to be true somehow does not make sense anymore with what I know to be real. My past has had a profound impact on my present and if I don't take the time to figure out when the unraveling began, how will I contain the fray? Maybe it is reaching the middle years when both beginning and end are in perspective. What have I done that matters,what am I doing that matters, and what will I do that matters.
I think this is what is the core of all our questions...Do I matter?

I don't want parroted truth, I want to see it, I want to know it.

...I am loved though, and I love...maybe that is all that matters.

Spring

We have had spring break here in little ole dutch town. We had enough warm weather to encourage the tulips to open up their hearts and I got my hands dirty cleaning up the flower beds. Enough sun to remind this corner of the world that it is time to change seasons and let the flowers out. The darkness of the winter, the unending rain goes quietly into the night and we are reborn in spring.

It isn't hard to wax on and on about spring because the hope is so needed after the gloom of winter. For me ,particularly, who wants to curl up tight in a fetal position when it gets cold, the spring gives me permission to change.

In the tropics there is no season except the dry and wet season. There are no remarkable events to usher one season onto the next and months are only distinguished by holidays. Don't get me wrong... I would live in warm every day if I could but there is something life giving about the change of season.

Spring helps me change, gives me perspective, lets me anticipate, makes me more aware, slows me down, heightens my senses, makes me restless, motivates me to clean house and soul, and wakes me up from my winter slumber.

It is also the season that begins with Easter...how amazingly appropriate. There is nothing as stark as winter or as fresh as Spring. There is nothing more stark as death or as fresh as new birth...both are Easter.

It is time to be reborn this Spring; let the olds things pass away and make a way for the new.