I don't know if you know this but around 1 -3 AM your body is at its lowest for a certain chemical that helps the body deal with traumatic stress. I wake up at this time every night with pain and anxiety. I did not know about this physical aspect of my body till I talked to the Doctor. There is this gland near the kidney that produces I don't know something that makes the stress of a trauma do-able. Amazing what the body can do but man would it be nice if it did not ebb at the darkest time of the night.
I wake up slowly usually because there is pain and then I can't sleep for about an hour or hour and half. My mind seems to work really well then and while I pray through all my fears and pray for others in their fears and then I gently fall back to sleep. Pain is a weird thing...we desperately need pain to warn us and guide us. At the same time we hate every minute it is doing its job. I am reminded that if I did not have pain I would not have any use for my limbs because I would be paralyzed. I would sleep well...I just wouldn't feel at all.
I have this image constantly in my mind surrounding the accident. The horse keeps landing and breaking me and the image haunts me. Maybe my mind is dealing with the trauma in real time like dreams deal with life in sleep time but it is disturbing.
I am on the mend and it will take as much time as it will take. I will loose all the hard work I did prior to accident but I will heal. I am praying that as my body heals so will my mind. I am praying that at 2 AM I will keep praying and not sink into fear that edges ever closer. I will work at not being so myopic and look beyond the limitations of my circumstances. I pray this will be a chapter in my life that will end soon with all the lessons learned.
Thank you for being a part of my journey. Writing it down helps define my thoughts...this is helpful.
3 comments:
Heidi, when I was in my 30's I was hospitalized for 2 months. I won't go into detail except just to say that I was in so much pain, I didn't think I much wanted to keep going. I just got so tired of it, and yes, I experienced those strange times in the middle of the night (like you mention).
WELL, during one of those times, another patient was brought in. It was a man who had been in a helicopter crash and had been horribly burned. His pain was so great that they could not keep him in the bed. He got up and ran screaming down the hall. I lay there and imagined what it might feel like to be burned like that, and suddenly my own pain seemed not only bearable, but relatively minor! I have never forgotten that. What a strange world pain inflicts upon us.
Thanks for letting us in on the challenges you have at night. I am often awake during that same time frame (not b/c of pain - just awake). During that time frame last night, I was able to more intelligently pray for you, having read of the things that you are working through. May you know increasing peace instead of panic, freedom instead of fear and joy instead of the jarring pain process. - lew
I too, often have that 3 o'clock wake time...the "witching hour", I call it, as it is often filled with anxieties of all sorts...Now, when I get up to read b/c I can't stop my frantic mind, I will know I'm not alone, and will pray for you. So glad you can walk/shuffle again...I pray that it will grow less painful each day!
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