Nothing is quite as clear as an xray...you know all black and white,until it isn't clear enough. The spine doctor let me know today that since I am still in pain, my left leg hurts when I walk, when I lay down on my back...I feel it in my legs etc. I need an MRI to be sure but he thinks that maybe my spine has narrowed since the accident and I may need surgery.
Sitting in the parking lot after the appointment I wondered how to feel. Scared, overwhelmed, angry, sorry for myself...ambiguous. It's all good until you hear different. Before today, I was sure the news would be good news. Something like...Wow, Heidi I am amazed at how amazing your amazing spine is amazingly healed. Maybe not to that degree but close. Like tomatoes from the garden... they don't come only when you need them, they come all at once in great abundance. I thought good news would just continue to pour in about this accident that occurred 3 months ago. Money would cover all expenses, bones would completely heal and my spine would just be strong and handle the crushing.
So dear readers...today I am not doing real well. No matter how I feel it doesn't take make my back better. If I am mad, sad, happy, joyful, overwhelmed...my spine is. So I am ambiguous...but I am sure things will clear up sooner then later and the sharp edges will poke through the ambivalence and I will be hurting.
2 comments:
Heidi - Life doesn't seem to be as smooth as we would like. The challenges we face are the things that keep us hanging tightly to our Heavenly Father's hand. Job's comment (Job 23:10) comes to mind - "But He knows the way I take; When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold." Job didn't say it was a fun time, but he had a sense that he would be pleased with the refining that God was doing in his life. I trust that TODAY you will feel His hand holding you tight and that SOMEday you will see how God has made your "gold" pure and precious through this time of refining. - lew
Remember you are imprinted in the palm of His hand. Love ya, Dawn
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