The silence of the house this morning reflects so well what is going on internally. Mijo is at a retreat, the boys are hunting...I anchor the family. They can fly because I can stay. These past weeks have been difficult for me. In light of the past posts maybe I should just wait till things look better. There is an assumption on my part that many have stopped reading and I am now writing more for internal clarity. Clarity I need. I was talking to a friend yesterday and as I talked I grew weary of hearing myself so if that is true, I am sure it was true for him. There is a weariness in the core of my soul. I am tired of trying to put the right spin on life, tired of trying to find the good. Even as I write that last statement...I realize how little people want to hear this drum-beat of heaviness. So if you are reading...I understand. Trust me, I am so very tired of me as well. So don't read on if you are looking for good news...
So what happened Heidi...who/what stole your perspective and joy?
After the BBQ...it took 4 weeks to get the money. I was so hesitant to have a fund-raiser for all the reasons that happened. I realize now that as we count the money...it is so little in comparison to what is needed. Every little bit helps is the mantra. It is a big bill...and when all is said and done, financial security makes me feel secure.
In the last five years of my life with Curtiss, while he was drinking, we were really poor. I lived in a wrecked trailer in a trailer park with other broken down people. It would have been the trailer park that would have been hit by a tornado if we were in that part of the world and it would have been a favor to the community around. We were an eyesore. While Curtiss was wandering the streets, folks would wander by this trailer of mine looking to see if we would buy their food-stamps. You see...since I had two small children and no money I was on food-stamps and well-fare. Before we were sold this trailer by folks who were out to make a buck (long story) we were homeless. Friends of my Dad forked over money to help us buy this shabby home on wheels in the middle of poverty. Being married to an alcoholic makes friends hard to come by and family even less. I have no idea what if anything the church did.
So I know financial insecurity...I don't like it at all. Trust in the Lord, He will provide. No...only in the US do we think that God is obligated to keep us financially secure. Look around the world, there are many many poor who love Jesus and live in poverty. All this to say...I am sitting on the edge looking over the side and wondering what next...what hammer will fall down this time.
So to whomever is reading...this time I hope not many at all...I can't seem to wrap this one up in a pithy lesson learned. I'm mad at the horse owner who made little of my fear, at LC for so many many promises made and un-delivered but at myself mostly. I should have, would have, could have...so many many things.
5 comments:
I don't know any pithy lessons that wrap this up either...Dear God, I think what happened is s****y! Why? It's too long a road, God, and we all get weary having to walk it so far...I'm tired too of people always expecting some triumph at the end of hard times. Not that You never provide, or You don't care -- but sometimes, life is just hanging on by your fingernails... that's just what it is. We'll not always find those plains of pleasantry...You are there, I believe it -- but what do You want from us when the going is like this?? I honestly don't know, and maybe there is no answer...But I hope we will see Your help, Your care here soon...
Heidi - I confess I am more of a lurker than a responder to what you write. But you need to know that I always read what you write. (I know that I sometimes blog because I need to - but when no one responds, I also wonder whether I really NEED to.) I believe that sometimes the lack of comments is because your readers/your friends don't have answers to the questions and situations you present to us. As a result, we have no words to use to respond. Instead, we walk away pondering.
I'm not sure that we are feeling negative or down, but just that you have been thinking out loud and we carry your thinking away to mull over. Then we don't have the urgency to come back and respond.
You need to treat us like students - give us a "homework" deadline - ie by Oct. 31, I expect you to write your thoughts and reflections on "Seeing the edge."
No? You're right - this is a blog. We are blessed if someone responds. The purpose for blogging needs to be an internal or eternal purpose.
I've watched one blogger really struggle with his reason for blogging. Formerly the reason was to keep his elderly father informed of his activities and challenges. His father died suddenly. So the question seems to be "Why am I doing this now??" Some of us who enjoyed his blog may lose that privilege since the "purpose" has changed.
Does any of this help in any way??? - lew
I meet with a group of women at church. We are all old (70+). I asked what they see when they look in the mirror. They said, someone who is old.
Well, we are created in the image of God. Do you see that? No, they did not usually. Neither do I. HOWEVER, one of my nieces just gave birth to twins. I see God in those babies. And it stuns me sometimes that God has made all these promises about being involved in our lives. As I approach the end of my lifespan, I TOTALLY understand how you must be feeling. Life takes so much COURAGE, and while I know He is there, I agree that a lot of life is just hanging on by your fingernails....
Heidi - I always read your blog. I was one who pleaded with you to continue it. I seldom respond, but I am ALWAYS challenged, pithy lessons or not.
I appreciate your honesty in sharing where you are at and in this case how your past has contributed to that. I think if most of us who trust in God as our help, our comfort, our refuge were honest we all face "fingernail" times. We even find we have bitten those off and are left falling! In those times I pray I have friends who recognize my plight and hold me up in prayer and support. It is in these days especially I am holding you up.
Please continue to blog.
Dear Ladies...thank you so so much for responding...I know you all read...I maybe just did not want you all to really read this one..though maybe I really did...anway. In no way did I want to make you feel as if you are obligated to read at all at any time. Thank you thouhg...Heidi
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