Being Mad

Have you ever been mad at someone and know that 1. There really isn't a good reason for you to be mad 2. They don't even know that you are mad at them 3. All the bad feeling you have had for them have been for the most part unspoken and 4. You secretly wish they knew but are happy they don't because otherwise you would have to deal with our own personal issues.

I realize how immature this sounds and passive aggressive but to be honest, this is how I deal with my anger. I have friends who are great unloaders...they tell who they are mad at, what they are mad about and what should be done. I have grudging respect for that but in retrospect maybe the way I deal with my anger is not so bad. Most of my anger towards someone isn't about them, it is about me. Something they have not done for me or should have done or could have done. In our American direct approach we are all for getting it out and dealing with it right away...I am a bit Asian in my approach. First I unload my anger on an innocent bystander ( husband). I see how he reacts to my anger and if he feels as strongly about my offense, then I feel justified. If he looks at me like I am a bit of a loony...well, I swallow my anger and wait till it passes. Just because I am angry does not mean my anger is justified...Just because I feel strongly does not mean that this strength of emotion needs to be unloaded.

I am a great swallower of anger..rarely have I ever unloaded on anyone at all, in fact I can't remember a time when I have. It isn't that I do not get angry, I just never feel that I have the right to fire at will. OK...I must confess, my children have received my anger justified or not. I seem to have no problems letting them know exactly how what they have done or not done has made me feel. Maybe it isn't fair that they see me in all my un-loveliness...maybe they see me for who I really am.

Boy, am I glad that they still love me....