A picture

As far back as I can remember, this picture has graced a prominent place in our living room and continues its place of honor in Dad and Elfrieda's home in Saskatoon. It is so familiar to me but still I always pause to look at it again when I am in their home. You would think it is a maple tree in a fall setting but rather it is a tranquil very tropical, Indonesian home with this extraordinary red tree.
 I don't know anything about where it was purchased, who painted it and where it is...yet, it has graced all our homes in Indonesia, Holland, Pennsylvania ( 2  houses), Tennessee, back in Indonesia, Saskatoon, Kelowna and back in Saskatoon.
I have always liked this painting...it's the red tree that draws you.

We dropped Mijo off at Caperwray Harbour just this past Friday. It was 32 years ago I arrived at the same Harbour, a year younger and weary already with the weight of the world. As we said goodbye at the dock and we left her crying and uncertain, I realized how much stronger she is and how much more whole she gets to be starting out her own life.

Like this red tree so prominent in this picture so is the baggage of my life. I wondered as we made our long way home, when would I be free of that residual baggage. Is it a choice that I have to make? Or will it always be present in every 'home' I settle?  Have I been so marked that every goodbye and every transition will be fraught with so much anxiety? 

Big Sigh... I have no idea except that leaving her there was hard on me. Her taking her first steps away from me...makes me feel that the best of my life's work is winding down. I hope this is not true...but it is how I feel. When Nick leaves...will I be finished with all that is important? 

Maybe the red tree is what also defines my strength...even as I see it as my weakness. What I have called my wounds has been what has made me resilient and adaptable. Maybe, but more often I think it makes me brittle and unforgiving. I guess that's the choice I have with that ever present red tree.