I have found something strange over the years...no one really talks about the fights they have with their spouses. It's like talking about how much money you make, it is just taboo.
I think we need to talk about our fights more often for the simple reason that we need to know that our marriage isn't the only one that has rough spots. We need to know that there is something normal about fighting, or maybe the way we fight needs some outside referee's. I think we don't talk about things like this because appearance is so important. We don't want to look foolish, or petty, or less then perfect especially in a most significant relationship.
I propose we talk more about our fights...bearing each others burdens and all. So in the end,we realize we are not alone, marriage is hard work but worth the humbling.
Scott and I will have only been married 7 years this August. We have fought a lot. I think it is because he is really stubborn, I know that I am. The first two years were ...well, awful. He had been single for 40 years and I came into our marriage with a but load of baggage. I remember him going to marriage counseling by himself because I was too stubborn to go with him...another story. Many issues ...many issues but 7 years later we are much stronger and better, but we still fight.
We had another one this week and over the same issue...I need to trust him with parenting. It has been 7 years and I am still thinking he needs my help to parent Nick and Mijo. I somehow in the grand scheme of things need to protect these children from this new parent who has just come into the family. Nick does not even remember Curtiss so that excuse doesn't work anymore. These children have always been ours to him but for a long time they have been just mine. This week after another fight I asked him if I was wrong for butting in yet again in his attempt to get Nick to do his chores. He said...yes, you are wrong. I knew I was but this time when he asked me if I thought I was wrong instead of deflecting or yes-butting...I said emphatically ...Absolutely. He rolled over and went to sleep...I sat there and thought maybe, maybe we have come to the end of one of the cycles.
The next day I was talking to Nick about doing his chores etc. and I said" Nick, please do your stinking chores so that your Dad won't have to yell at you the rest of the summer". He looked at me and said "what if he only has to talk to me sternly", no wonder he gets in trouble.
It is hard to be completely wrong when you think you should always be right...what arrogance on my part. Humbling to loose so rightly.
4 comments:
Though our children only ever had us as parents, we too have had (and continue to have)many conflicts over his way vs my way with the kids. I think the way he interacts inhibits relationship. He thinks the way I interact inhibits the growth of responsibility. We are both right, and both wrong...If we would just be willing to accept that neither of us is right ALL the time, we might be able to perfect a balance that benefits all...Pride is the great preventer...Too late I realize that letting Randy make his mistakes with the kids would have been less harmful than all my intervention to avoid hurt... Foolish me...I recommend tongue biting -- in the long run, it hurts less.
I may have some teeth marks on my tongue...great advice. Thank you:) HP
OK, our kids are grown and we still disagree at times about how to relate to them. I am of the mind to be forthright and get things in the open while Ron's approach is to see if a good opportunity might arise to address an issue. I term this as "sweeping under the rug" or as not dealing with things. We even use hand motions or even a nudge under the table when one of thinks the other should chill. So, Heidi, if you think this issue will go away as soon as your kids are out of the house, think again! avl
Indeed, we argue! Just last week, in the midst of one of these arguments, I stated unequivocally, "YOU ARGUE WITH ME ABOUT EVERYTHING!" My husband thought a minute, then said, "Well, you are arguing too."
"I never argue," I told him.
"Well, what do you call it then?" he asked.
With a grand flourish, I replied, "I just state facts!"
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